Corrupt a Wish - The Inevitable Return

[DiebytheSword]

Dokugreggu starts off with his nefarious Red 40/Red Bull combo, but soon adds the afore mentioned mountain of cocaine to his problem by eating Zeo's cat. The power flowing through his veins allows him to defeat Avenger, but the anti-hero of our story, Cucumba, stops him. "Only I may destroy Avenger."

You clash, and your Red/Red(Hyper) faces off against Cuc's Mtn Dew Votage/Bad Blood Sugar(Grouchy). All the while, Avenger slumbers in a healing tank, multiplying his power level. Things get really ugly when Sub helpfully pours beer into the tank, giving Avenger beer muscles (and a slight buzz).

You know what happens when the Hero and Anti-Hero of our story start working together, right?

Also pants. Because you demanded them. In the plan.


I wish the pants reference had a backstory.

 

[Avenger]

Granted. A thousand years ago, history was forged in the needle of a young woman, cursed by the faces of a thousand eagles. Her skills were unsurpassable, and one day a mighty king requested her services. The king demanded that she make the most pantsy pants of all pants. Pants to rule all other pants. Surely enough, the woman created the most pantsy pants, but she was murdered to prevent her from ever creating another pair of pantsy pants. Hundreds of years later, Cucumba's ancestors come to have the pantsy pants, using them largely to control cocaine production. Inevitably, Cucumba himself wears the pantsy pants, not knowing of their dark history. Zeo, fuelled by rage and grief over his dead - but amazing - cat, tracks down Cucumba and his pair of pantsy pants, mortally wounding the anti-hero of our story in a battle that left Cucumba highly bemused. Oh, and Dokugreggu trips and falls, inadvertently burning down an orphanage. The small part of Doku's consciousness still remaining in Dokugreggu is tormented by guilt, and leads Dokugreggu to consume vast quantities of girly drinks. He is mocked by more manly drinkers.

I wish Zeo's cat didn't die.

 

[Dokutayuu]

There's nothing girly about tea!

Granted! After ignoring continuity, Avenger, the hero of this story, and his sickeningly nice sidekick, Doku, venture back in time to prevent Zeo's cat from dying. However, this is a relatively cunning plan by Grega, who steals their trousers, preventing them from saving the cat. With 24 hours remaining, can the dysfunctional duo cover their shame?

I wish Avenger had an amazing plan to re-cover their legs.

 

[Cap J]

Granted, using only a field full of flowers Avenger comes up with the genious plan to cover his and his sidekick's unmentionables in bees. Their enemies are suitably intimidated.

I wish I could command bees to do my bidding.

 

[The Deco]

Bees do as you wish now, but then a Jedi comes up and uses his Jedi Mindtrick on you and commands you to command the bees to attack you. You now have dozens of stings all over your body, regretting you wished for it at the first place.

I wish people would only listen to either classic rock (50s-90s), classical music, jazz, folk, folk-rock, old school rap, reggae and that all pop artists, pop supporting record companies and radio stations would cease, desist and die/explode.

 

[Dokutayuu]

Granted! However, your wish goes too far, eliminating more musicians as it progresses. Eventually, the only song left is Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up". Coincidentally, the youtube recommendation thread dies.

I wish Avenger, the hero of our story, faced his new enemy, Bee General, in an oddly specific showdown involving pandas.

 

[Viper]

Granted! However Both Bee and Avenger are turned into pandas. The battle begins as Bee slowly pats Avenger on the back. Avenger counters the pat by doing a barrel roll, but (being that panda that he is) falls asleep giving Bee the chance to finish him. With his eyes burning with panda anger, Bee charges towards Avenger. As luck would have it, Bee steps in a pile of panda poo the shrewd Avenger left before his unexpected nap. He then slips and falls unconscious.
Hours pass, with both our protagonists dreaming away of panda strippers, then suddenly, without any warning, Bee and Avenger (still pandas) wake up. Staring blankly ahead, with their lethargic bodies slowly shivering, in our protagonists minds only one thought can be heard...
"There is only the panda!"...

I wish I worked as a soul reapper.

 

[Avenger]

You are! But Soul Reapping is a brand new form of rap, predominantly practiced by Romanian men with a lack of rhythm. You are ostracized for your awful love of soul reapping, but keep doing it... until your closest friend dies while soul reapping live for sixty skinhead Romanians with a panda fetish.

I wish microphones could turn into chairs.

 

[Didgy]

Granted. All microphones can now turn into chairs. However, this means they record your rectal gasses as they come out of your hiney and for the sake of national health, it is also broadcasted directly to the Federal Army of Rectal Termination, which then streams it to YouTube. Due to your massive amount of polution, the Federal Army of Rectal Termination shows up at your house in order to execute you. **** happens.

I wish I was the best athletic... In the world.

 

[Cap J]

Granted, you are the best athletic in the world, whenever an athlete does athletics, it just means they're doing you. Some can go for hours and hours. Some are rougher than others. There are so many people that you can never rest and end up going mad from lack of sleep.

I wish I could crack and egg and have bacon fall out of the shell. :O

 

[Avenger]

You can, after humanity's successful hybridization of pigs and birds. Sadly, this also creates the feared Swivian Flu, which kills everyone on Earth.

I wish Cap J had bacon-tasting beer.

 

[DiebytheSword]

Voila! He has his swine/swill, however this allows for all sorts of chicanery. You see, as the bacon fat dripped into the brewery's vats, the barley, hops and yeast overcame some adversity and pulled their **** together. Suddenly there is razorback bread, wild boar yeast (marking a dramatic change in the way Janssen Pharmaceutica, makers of monistat, operates their business), and tailgate parties where the ribs are enough, because they contain 10% alcohol. Its the beginning of the end. Catdogs bark at fire engines while Dogcats scratch your face off for petting them wrong. Pat from SNL remains the only unchanged, unhybridized thing on earth. You reflect on this solemnly as you watch your world burn. As a Christathiest WoMan, your foundationroofs are shaken to their coreexterior, and you yearn for the return of midnighdaylight in your never ending twighlightdawn.

I wish Mass Effect 3 was here already so I can get my Shep on and rock the Reapers.

 

[Avenger]

It is here. But as it turns out, Mass Effect 3 was secretly produced by Valve, and you now have to play it in installments in order to complete the story. After the first nineteen, addictive episodes, your family runs out of food because you refused to go to work for the duration of the storyline. They succumb to a crippling bacon beer addiction.

I wish I found SNL funny.

 

[Dawntilldusc]

Granted...SNL does a rerun of it's funniest episode, unfortunately the only reason it's funny is because of a gross overuse of penguin salads, and the entire cast is turned into watermelons over a period of seven minutes. Because of this incident Avenger, the hero of our story, decides that he'll never watch television ever again. Being the hero of our story, his disaproval of television kills ratings, and the industry shuts down. Every person who owned a t.v. now has to resort to alternate entertainment....LIKE EXERCISE, and the results are a more fit world population. But all that fittness, causes rises in testosterone levels, resulting in World War Three.

I wish that Encycolpedia Britanica was the Encyclopedia Australianica.

 

[Dokutayuu]

Granted! However, Nickerrous is the author of every article. Whilst not that informative, each page does have a nice doodle.

I wish Sky really could ride skies.

 

[Cap J]

Granted, Sky starts riding the sky.....unfortunately he finds the air is really thin and it's quite cold, he half chokes/half freezes to death before falling out of the sky and making close friends with the floor at 150 miles per hour. His last thoughts were as follows:

"I wish that Doku's underwear was full of 100,000 angry bees when waking up every morning."

 

[Dokutayuu]

Granted! However, being the fiendish stalker he is, Cap J steals the underwear and puts them on. The pain is so great, it turns him into Avenger's secondary villain, the Bee General.

I wish bicycles didn't insist on getting stolen.

 

[Cap J]

Granted, they no longer insist on being stolen, now they just ask politely and offer bribes.

I wish Doku was a man-eating giraffe created by un-godly science and unleashed on an unsuspecting world. Be free Dokaffe! BE FREE!

 

[DiebytheSword]

Your wish comes true, but at a premium price. You have to make a deal with the Collectors to get your hands on such advanced technology. Shepard is eaten by the Dokaffe after it is fielded in mass numbers to serve as Krogan/Turian abomination mounts. Shepard even mangages to stain his/her shorts before he/she is mauled to death by reaper technology you helped shape. Additionally, you are indoctrinated and made to serve as a sleeper agent to serve up humans for ascention. You are (a small part of) our savation through destruction. TAKING DIRCET CONTROL.

I wish for sunhine, kittens, rainbows and mountain dew voltage.

 

[Avenger]

You get them all, but in different formats than you had originally imagined. You receive sunshine in a can, smuggled into your cell as you spend six years in minimum-solarity prison. Ground-up-kitten stew is your dinner for the duration. The kittens cause hallucinations, among them rainbows. The only form of liquid you are allowed to consume is Mountain Dew Voltage, and you grow tired of the beverage, leaving you with a powerful desire for revenge. You find out that Dokutayuu, the Joker of our story, has turned evil, and was behind your imprisonment.

I wish for a really comfortable and stylish shirt that fits me and never requires ironing to remain awesome.