Free Force-Pit Access!?!
- Thread starter Chang Wufei
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Alright, since we are on religious jokes (It's not bad Karrde)... My priest told us this one during the Good Friday mass.
The sunday before easter (Palm Sunday) a sunday school teacher asked her class "do you guys know what Easter is?"
A First Grader replied "Yeah, its the day when your family gets together and everyone eats turkey and stuff"
the teacher said "no, no, thats not it Billy. Anyone else care to tell the class?"
A Second Grader replied "I know what easter is. Its the day when Santa claus delivers presents to boys and girls and we open them"
The teacher said again "nope, that isnt it cindy, that is Christmas"
A third grader replied "Easter is when Jesus died for us on the cross."
the teacher thought to herself "oh thank god, someone here knows". but the third grader continued...
"and then 3 days later a group of people crowd around the tomb to see if he comes out, and if he does, then we have 6 more weeks of Winter"
I thought it was pretty funny. It might not sound like it, but it may be one of those jokes where you need to be there to find it funny. Its just how he said it.
The sunday before easter (Palm Sunday) a sunday school teacher asked her class "do you guys know what Easter is?"
A First Grader replied "Yeah, its the day when your family gets together and everyone eats turkey and stuff"
the teacher said "no, no, thats not it Billy. Anyone else care to tell the class?"
A Second Grader replied "I know what easter is. Its the day when Santa claus delivers presents to boys and girls and we open them"
The teacher said again "nope, that isnt it cindy, that is Christmas"
A third grader replied "Easter is when Jesus died for us on the cross."
the teacher thought to herself "oh thank god, someone here knows". but the third grader continued...
"and then 3 days later a group of people crowd around the tomb to see if he comes out, and if he does, then we have 6 more weeks of Winter"
I thought it was pretty funny. It might not sound like it, but it may be one of those jokes where you need to be there to find it funny. Its just how he said it.
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i've been "waiting" for about an hour waiting for the moon to shine on the necromancer shrine...
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I got one...Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers wonât help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
Eh, tell me if you've heard it before, I got that one from a friend a long time ago.
Eh, tell me if you've heard it before, I got that one from a friend a long time ago.
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I have another one.
A black guy walks into the bar. The bartender immediately notices that the black guy has a parrot on his shoulder. Then the bartender asks "hey, thats pretty cool. Where did you get that?"
The parrot replied "Oh, thanks. I got him in Africa. You can find them running all over the place"
Thats funny and you all know it. And no, its not meant to be racial against Parrots. (Consider that one to be a joke too)
A black guy walks into the bar. The bartender immediately notices that the black guy has a parrot on his shoulder. Then the bartender asks "hey, thats pretty cool. Where did you get that?"
The parrot replied "Oh, thanks. I got him in Africa. You can find them running all over the place"
Thats funny and you all know it. And no, its not meant to be racial against Parrots. (Consider that one to be a joke too)
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crap... wrong thread
/slap for having multiple windows open at the same time
/slap for having multiple windows open at the same time
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Alrighty, after a short break to eat dinner and stuff, here's another:
A Hell of a Decision
A man dies and goes straight to Hell. The devil greets him and immediately makes him face a big decision: "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever room you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll finally go to heaven after years of waiting and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped over and over again. In the second room is a man strapped to a table being subjected to Chinese water torture. Finally, in the third room is a man sitting in a chair while being pleasured by a beautiful woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found your replacement."
A Hell of a Decision
A man dies and goes straight to Hell. The devil greets him and immediately makes him face a big decision: "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever room you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll finally go to heaven after years of waiting and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped over and over again. In the second room is a man strapped to a table being subjected to Chinese water torture. Finally, in the third room is a man sitting in a chair while being pleasured by a beautiful woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found your replacement."
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Alright, I'll toss my hat into this.
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy, " says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow, " says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a bloody, and flat death.
The bartender says. "Geez, you can be a real a jerk when you're drunk, Superman"
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy, " says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow, " says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a bloody, and flat death.
The bartender says. "Geez, you can be a real a jerk when you're drunk, Superman"
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One more for now...Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna **** around?"
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A poem which I, Alan, have constructed for you. It uses the names of people I know and of people I like. It's a fun one, and I hope you enjoy it to the fullest.
Brenda likes boiled beans
and baked beans on toast,
but buckets full of jellybeans
are what she likes the most.
R is for Ryan
and rough erection rocket rides
that rattle your fillings
and shake your insides.
A kangaroo's in the kitchen,
but where is Kyle's hat?
In the cupboard, with the Kaleigh
sucking on her fat.
--
My signature may be of interst to you too. It was ages back when I had the Harry Potter spoiler. I dealt with it at the time in the best way I could.
Brenda likes boiled beans
and baked beans on toast,
but buckets full of jellybeans
are what she likes the most.
R is for Ryan
and rough erection rocket rides
that rattle your fillings
and shake your insides.
A kangaroo's in the kitchen,
but where is Kyle's hat?
In the cupboard, with the Kaleigh
sucking on her fat.
--
My signature may be of interst to you too. It was ages back when I had the Harry Potter spoiler. I dealt with it at the time in the best way I could.
Pwns Mastasurf at TF2
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http://forum.esforces.com/showthread.php?t=36450&highlight=karrderlake
I submit the history of the karrderlake and a cracked out fight club match with maggeh
I submit the history of the karrderlake and a cracked out fight club match with maggeh
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A Not-so-Happy Birthday
It was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday." I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."
I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday ... and there I sat on the couch ... naked.
It was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday." I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."
I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday ... and there I sat on the couch ... naked.
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Employee Statistics
(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(11) "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better."
(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
(13) "A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(17) "He's been working with glue too much."
(18) "He would argue with a signpost."
(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him."
(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one."
(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."
(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled."
(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(11) "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better."
(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
(13) "A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(17) "He's been working with glue too much."
(18) "He would argue with a signpost."
(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him."
(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one."
(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."
(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled."
(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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Score:
Dr.Gero-20 - 21
Enix - 1
Zeronightmare - 7 (i gave u 5 cuz ur mess up made me laugh)
frsrblch - 28
MC - 3
Sub - 15
Karrade - 10
Spunky - 30
kidboy - 4
grega - 1
bapplebo - 10
Growler - 0
Wallmart - 15
Mccdbz - 26 (damn mcc those were freaking awsome)
SA_Gohan - 15
owa - 5
Dr.Gero-20 - 21
Enix - 1
Zeronightmare - 7 (i gave u 5 cuz ur mess up made me laugh)
frsrblch - 28
MC - 3
Sub - 15
Karrade - 10
Spunky - 30
kidboy - 4
grega - 1
bapplebo - 10
Growler - 0
Wallmart - 15
Mccdbz - 26 (damn mcc those were freaking awsome)
SA_Gohan - 15
owa - 5
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Is it still open?
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
---
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"
---
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"