Personal Troubles... I'm looking for well thought out input.

[Sonic the Vampire]

Alright, I've got a situation, and I'm wondering what some of the older members of the community think about it. No, not older as in having registered on the forums a long time ago, but older as in age-wise. I'm looking for 16 year olds +, particularly those who have been in these kinds of situations.

Here's the situaiton: I've got a girlfriend, whom I adore more than anything. She means the world to me, and we've got a very solid relationship where we talk every thing out and yadda yadda. Call it your ideal dream relationship (UNLESS you think that a purely sexual relationship is the ultimate dream relationship. We don't do sex. Don't ask why, this is a caring relationship, not a heaving one). The catch is this: I live 800 miles away from her.

How the hell did that happen? Well, a couple years back mom got a better Job in California (Where I am now), and in two short weeks I was packed and moved into my new home. Surprisingly enough, my relationship with my girlfriend has only improved. It's amazing how much you can actually get to know a person when you are restricted to non-physical communication, particularly through text. We've truly become closer than ever before, and it's opened new doors for us.

Now before you jump to too many conclusions, know that I do visit her every 2 to 4 months for about a week, so it isn't like we don't know what we look like or anything. The problem is a guy I know who is a close friend of hers named J. No, that isn't his real name, let's just pretend it is for the sake of discussion. Now, I know J., I've known him since before I left. He's a freakishly nice guy... he doesn't have a selfish bone in his body, and he's quite trustworthy. Lately though, he's been acting... odd.

Last weekend, he and my girlfriend spent about 7 hours alone at his house between 7PM and 2:00AM. During that time she told me that they looked at a lot of pictures, played games, etc. As hard as it probably is for a lot of you to believe, I'm absolutely sure that this is pretty much all that happened. I wont go into her too much, but I'll ask you to take a leap of faith with me and join me in knowing that she doesn't sleep around, and she isn't attracted to him in quite that way. Now that that part has been settled, here's the weird-er part: While she was over there J. started flirting with her. She didn't realize it until she asked him about it later, but when she did, he admitted that he had been flirting with her. It was *after* that point that she understood why I had been acting strange after she told me what they had been up to that night. Now, doesn't it seem weird that you would just go over to somebody's house, alone, and 7PM, and stick around while they tried to flirt with you until 2AM when you were in a relationship with somebody else? Yeah, sure does. She told me over the phone that in hindsight she wasn't ok with the idea that he was flirting with her without her actually realizing it, and it wasn't something that she wanted to have to deal with. It was because of this that she understood why I was bothered.

Now I'm getting ahead of myself. These two have been close friends for a while now. Not close like dry heaving close, no. Put your pants back on! Nobody types a response to this thread with one hand! Now... where was I... oh yeah, I trust both of these people immensly, but I'm also weirded out by the whole "alone at night for 7 hours without a care" thing (Keep in mind that she had no problem telling me about this, as she saw nothing wrong with it). Now we talked about it, she understood, and everything was great.

Tonight she signed off of her instant messenger telling me that she was going for a ride (It was around 8:30). I asked where to, and she said she was going over to J.'s place to star gaze. Now, I wont tell you where she lives, but let's just say it doesn't have the cleanest sky... in fact, you can barely even see the bigger constelations, like the Big Dipper. That was probably the second thing that struck me as funny about him inviting her over so late at night... the first was just that she wouldn't ask me if I was ok with it. I mean, come on, even her female friends thought it was a really weird thing to do the first time, and now she is just fine with doing something like that again?

I'm not really sure what's going on. I would trust her with my life, and while I'm not positive she wouldn't leave me for someone else, I *am* positive that she would talk to me about it first. That may not sound like great 'job security,' but it's the other reason why I trust that they aren't engaging themselves in a relationship. I trust my girlfriend more than anyone, and having spent over two years getting to know her intimately I know she wouldn't do anything rash or that would hurt me; HOWEVER, I do *not* know this J. as well as I wish I did. I *do* know that he's a nice guy, and he's mild mannored, and he's tall. That's not a whole lot to go off of.

Now what I'm looking for a response on is *Not* whether or not I think they are cheating on me. Frankly, if they were and I found out, I'd just go ahead and end the relationship, so I really don't care about that too much. I honestly do not believe that is even an option to consider right now however, but it does bring us to the $60 question: If you were in my position or in hers, how would you view the current situation? Just how strange is it that two close friends (who happen to be male and female) would spend so much time alone with each other so late at night? Would it still be strange if they were of the same sex, just over like that as friends? Would I come off as rude or selfish if I asked her to stop going over to his house alone with him? I don't want to be the big restrictive boyfriend, but I'm having trouble figuring out when enough is too much.

I don't want a bunch of spamming responses like "dude sounds like she's cheating on you" because, as I said, if that was the case I would just cut off the relationship. I just want to know how weird you guys think those two "encounters" are, and how you would look at them from any of the involved parties' perspectives. Am I right to be bothered by this thing as much as I am (which is a lot)? Am I just making too much out of something that really hasn't formed yet? Their spending time together like this is a new thing, according to both she and her friends, so it isn't like they've been doing it for months. Tonight is the second night... should I go ahead and ask her to stop making these visits to him?

 

[ph34r t3h Cute]

Hmm, Before I start, im 18 years old, so please dont ignore my post ^_^


I wont comment on what I think about if she is cheating or not, I dont know her so it would be totally stupid of me, but if you feel weird that she is going over so much, I know *I* would, if you and her are indeed as good as you say you are, I know how hard it is to have a long distence girlfriend, very annoying at times, and you need alot more trust in the person then you would have if she was with you, but anyways, I think bringing this up with her would not annoy her, just say you feel abit weird (or however you would want to put it) with her going over so many times, or even better, when you next too see her meet up with "J" and see what he is like.

I dunno.. thats my 2cents

 

[B0Bmaster40000]

that was a big read...well....hears my opinion:

This all seems really complicated, and i have a lot of different ideas of what could be happening. I think I would feel the same way in your situation. I can see why you trust her so much, and she would have to trust you equally, or even more, if you weigh everything up. The 800 miles apart obviously restricts the relationship, but i think that your annual trips to visit her should more than make up for that. If i were in your situation, i would be thinking that maybe that they are starting to form a relationship, that would explain the long visits. Obviously, with your friend living closer to her, they can see each other more often, and can spend more time with each other. She might not see your relationship working out so she's trying another one. Or she might just enjoy spending time with your friend more than you. There are so many different possibilities, reasons, and explanations for why this is happening. It's probly not a good idea to dwell on them because it can tear you apart. Because I dont know these people, and what your relationship is like, i cant make any accurate assumptions of what is happening, or of what i would do in this situation. I would, however, go and talk to her, face to face, and ask her what is happening. She must trust you enough to tell the truth, and you should know her well enough to be able to tell if shes lying. She obviously knows that you are uncomfortable with this, so i dont think she would have a problem with telling you whats happening. Anyways, thats my opinion...or what i can come up with after a ****ed day at school, i hope ive...helped...or...made you feel better or something. I havent had this kind of experience, but its just my opinion. Good luck, i hope it all works out for you.

 

[*HurleyBoy*]

Well Kiddo...I can see where you coming from here...i'm a 20 year old male and i have been in alot of realtionships...even the long distance ones as you are in now...Now after reading your little story here I won't come here saying she is cheating on you cause frankly the only person here in this forum that truely knows her...is you...not i or anyone else...but what I think in my mind is from past realtionships is a couple needs alot of mental attractions(talking, etc) as well as physical. So i think since you said this "J" guy is a fairly nice guy and that has already flirted with your girlfriend and such...i think your girlfriend is kinda lieing to you cause i mean come on any person knows when someone is flirting to them it's human nature...so i think since your not there to hold her and be with her she is basically using this "J" guy for that till you come back into her arms again...now sonic i want to say again i don't think she is cheating on you maybe if anything just a cuddle buddy and innocent kissing...but even that is too far and consider cheating...im just trying to think of what seems logical for this problem...basically trying to think as if i were in your shoes and trying to figure all of this out...Now i hope what i said is a lie cause i would feel bad if it were true...I do think however it wouldn't be bad idea to ask her no to hang out with him as much but don't say at all cause she might think you don't trust her and it could get ugly...well i don't know what else to say but if you wanna email me and talk some more my email is [email protected] and i hope everything goes well for you and her and nothing bad happens...take care kiddo.

 

[DiebytheSword]

Being 26 has brought me plenty of time, not only to see where I went wrong in the past, but to analyze what I did wrong to get there. Plain and simple, long distance relation ships do not and can not last unless you have unimpeded access to her in a flash. Secondly, friend-to-couple relationships can be frighteningly strong or fail so miserably that even the freindship is ruined.

In short, your friend, J, has tipped his hand and now has to play the round, for all his chips. He will realize it, and react accordingly. You know him best, how does he handle the all or nothing scenario?

Finally, your Grilfreind may hold your candle, but she can't hold your hand . . . and her hand will demand holding if enough time goes by.

 

[Big Kyle]

If it was me, I wouldnt trust her, cause frankly I dont trust anyone really, every person in this world acts different in different places work, school, with your bf/gf, parents, friends, internet, ect ect. My point is no matter how long you know a person the fact is you dont really know them. Long distance relationships dont work, so I would end it if it was me...and move on.

 

[Sonic the Vampire]

Well, the only thing I can't say that I'm totally sure of with regards to the responses I've recieved so far is that flirting is always obvious, as it is human nature. Have you never been in a situation where other people could tell that someone was coming onto you and you didn't realize it? I know I have. It is one of those "What? Why didn't you tell me!?" situations when you're single, and something you typically don't even look at once you are rooted to a relationship. That's how I look at it at least.

I'm thankful for the thought out responses. Access in a flash is a bit much for anybody... even across town in the same city, but I understand where you're coming from, I do. That was my initial conclusion as well, after hearing more about how she has gotten to know J and has been spending time with him recently. When I was too tired to think straight I connected a few dots (some of which were halucinations) and I decided that J was slowly replacing the physical aspects of our relationship. Now I know she would talk to me about anything and everything they were to do together, there's no question. She willingly told me everything that I've said here, which I doubt she would have done if she were truly cheating, or she thought it would hurt me to hear. Sure, there's always the chance that she's lieing, but knowing her as I do I'm putting that thought aside to focus on my own how *I* should react to hearing the news from here.

Long distance relationships are hard, but I need to pull at least another year (or a least 6 months) out of this thing before I can move back again. I'm going up there for a solid 2 to 3 weeks during the summer, during which I may be able to ask J if he has feelings for her or whatever. I have a feeling the problem is simply that my girlfriend is a girl (duh) and J is a guy. Guys are manipulative, and I know we have a tendancy to slowly push ourselves onto other people. I'm worried about J doing something stupid, not about my girlfriend going for it. Either way, would it be too much for me to ask her to stop going over there, alone, that late at night? I mean, it sounds rational to myself, and I believe to her friends, but it's the first step to creating a restrictive relationship where I restrain her from doing something that she wants to do. That brings me to my next question:

Would you say it's human nature for two people to engage themselves in an informal intimate relationship after long periods of close contact with one another (assuming they are of the opposite sex, of course)? J might be making moves on her, but I see no other reason that she would enter a relationship with him and ruin what we've built up for the last 2+ years.

There are also three additional pieces of information which I did not supply in my previous post on the issue.

1.) Before this started, J was dead set on another girl in one of his classes at school. He was constantly consulting myself and my girlfriend for advice on how to approach her, and he was a little obsessed up until about a week ago. When my girlfriend spent that 7 hours at his house that night, he didn't say a single word about his crush. A bit strange, isn't it? His crush was someone he obsessed over for months, and yet she's out of the picture in a matter of hours.

2.) When she confronted him about the flirtation, he did make the comment that he was sorry about it because he didn't want to mess anything up between she and I. I wasn't in the room when he said this, so I can't judge the state of his character, but it sounds like something he would say and presumably mean. That's just J; however, keep in mind that neither of them had a problem going star gazing at his house last night.

3.) J is entering the Navy this summer. That's right... he'll be gone for a few years. This is another reason I doubt they would be trying to start a relationship like the one we've all got in mind. Not intentionally, anyway.

With those new factors in mind, any additional input?



Edit- Note that all parties involved are 18 years of age. That may change the way some of you view the circumstances.

 

[T.G._Cid]

alright here is my 2 cents.
I have been in the exact same relationship he was in. She knew I couldn't always be there and I knew I couldn't always be there. She had a close friend which I knew of and I was ok with cause she was ok with me having friends of the oppisite sex. What eventully happened was that even though me and her were really close it couldn't go on and Cucumba said it best
your Grilfreind may hold your candle, but she can't hold your hand . . . and her hand will demand holding if enough time goes by.
and time did go by.
One lst thing I want to point out I'll be going in to the army in like a month(already inlisted) and even though I may hang out with girls and stuff like that I wouldn't want to become to close to one since I'll be gone for a while. And this J guy may be thinking the same thing. So I wouldn't be too worried about the cheating and if ur gonna move back then I say try to hang in there.

 

[Sonic the Vampire]

So would it be asking too much for me to request that she not spend so much time with him alone so late at night? That's the real question. I want to say something, but I don't want to make too much more of what happened than actually happened. Do you think this situation, or her 7 hour encounter with J until 2 in the morning with flirting involved merits my making personal requests regarding what she should or should not be able to do? I don't want to run her life, but I'm just really uncomfortable with regards to what J may or may not be trying to accomplish by investing so much time into entertaining her, alone.

 

[Bryggz]

Sonic, here's my two cents, I may be only 17, but my logic is (what i consider) fairly mature"


Never be afraid to speak up, if you feel uncomfortable, talk to her about it, don't force the issue upon her, but do bring it up in a conversation. I've found that relationships involve a great deal of faith. To me, i put all of my trust in my girlfriend. Now, you may think this is foolish, but for me, its ALL OR NOTHING. If i get betrayed, then of course i'll be hurt. But if it does turn out how i hoped, i'll get the greatest reward possible. I also believe that a relationship is a two-way street. Make it understood that you don't do things that could possibly make her uncomfortable(if you don't that is) and that you hope that she may understand to do the same for you. Like i said, all or nothing. It has to be a mutual understanding, and i don't believe your g/f is cheating on you, especially if you know her intimately enough to know that she has a good heart. First off she told you right off the bat what happened with him, which means she has no desire to hold anything back, for if she did, then she would have never told anything in the first place. And second of all, my g/f's best friend is also a male, whom she has known (and had many experiences with, none that are sexual) and still keeps in contact with. I'm also aware that he once had a crush on her back in the day, and occasionally tries to flirt with her. Yet this is where faith gets involved. My g/f gives me that reassurance that im the man in her life, and shows me that every day. Though while your g/f may not be able to show it, she can say it. As long as you get that reassurance from time to time, you know that their heart is in the right place.


Hope i helped some

 

[Loki]

Talk to her about it with open feelings, the best advice there is. Make sure she is completely honest as well as youself.

 

[Sonic the Vampire]

Well don't be fooled into thinking I don't talk to her about how I feel. Right now I'm just trying to justify asking her to stop seeing him at his house, alone, after 7PM. To me, as just a guy, I think that makes every bit of sense, but to me as her boyfriend I don't want to come off as thinking I don't trust her. I want to tell her that I don't trust J, but J is one of her close friends, and I don't know him as well as she does, or she thinks she does. The last role I want to assume is that of the overbearing boyfriend who doesn't let her talk to other guys, probably because he's jealous.

 

[TwisteR]

you shouldnt spend too much time together though. spending too much time togeter may cause you two to grow bored of eachother eventually, or maybe you wont.
spending time away, hanging out with riends or doing other things, may keep your relationship fresh. and you will fell more happy to see her, since youve gone some time without seeing eachother. a day or two apart it ok but too much tim apart may enable her to gain some interest in someone else.

 

[Loki]

Tell her that, you don't know J as well as she does, aand its just natural for you to have the feelings you do.

 

[Bryggz]

Majin i hope that you may understand the concept of love, although i have never seen the word mentioned once in this conversation (me thinks) i'd think it safe to assume such feelings are felt. I, for once, could never grow bored of my g/f, i would wait forever for her if it had to be. No, i am not obsessed, and no, i have no problem getting a female to gain interest in me. (in other words i don't have the looks of a neanderthal[sp?] ) But even if tyra banks tried macking it to me, i'd tell her to **** off. I've brushed girls off quite easily, because i know where it is that i have my happiness. No one can replace my g/f, and she makes me feel the same way. And making them feel like you can be that person to always be there for them (which is what boyster does, with his efforts) should make that person feel wanted, and in return will continue to feel for you. Sonic, if you g/f is in her right mind, and has those true feelings for you, manipulation shouldn't phase her, and what she does is (to her) innocent, because she knows who it is she belongs with. Like i said before, all or nothing. Trust 100% or not at all. Yes, it is a gamble, but it's the only way to live, or else all you do is worry. And trust doesnt mean don't question, you NEED the reassurance that your efforts are for a cause! In this case its okay to say something just for yourself, if you must make your g/f feel a little awkward in order for you go gain that assurity, then do so in the manner that suits your taste.

 

[Sonic the Vampire]

Thanks for the advice, everyone, particularly Briggz, who has brought up some powerful points that I was too slow to consider (relationships being a two-way street and all of that). And as for "love," well... I scarcely use the word love, because it isn't something she and I use with each other. We felt the word was far too diluted and was too often used to take advantage of peoples' feelings, so we made our own [word]. I don't feel that it's necessary to share that word with you all.

 

[Bryggz]

thats actually something quite cool, having your own feeling and your description of love, i think you got something unique there, boyster, glad i could help.

p.s. Goes to show all you older males out there that the logic of a younger male isnt necissarily out of check ;-)


*edit* one last piece for you guys to nibble on

One thing ive learned that love(or whatnot), is about sacrifice, if you feel that you sacrifice (such as avoiding all possible things that may cause conflict, for example) then its only right that you receive such. Making sacrifices proves yourself. okay now im done

 

[Sonic the Vampire]

Heh, well, I wouldn't consider 17 year olds to have been born yesterday, and everyone will have their own oppinions and systems of belief. It's nice to see how other people view the same situation to get their oppinions on how to deal with it. I feel a lot better after reading some of the comments made in this thread, and I'm not nearly as bothered by the idea of their spending so much time together as I was before, but I still do feel as though I need to request that she not spend so much time so late at night with him, if that's something she is willing to restrict herself from doing. It does make me feel uncomfortable and unsure of how to interpret the situation, and I'm sure she'll understand. I'll have a chat with her some time later tonight when she gets back home from whatever she's doing (I think she's out seeing the Matrix).

 

[Bryggz]

Glad to have relieved some stress

 

[T.G._Cid]

Yeah anything to try to help.