All right, here's my story.
Over a year ago, I met a girl on a website. She asked me if I went to the school that she did, and as luck would have it, I did. She was in a higher grade than I was, but we were about the same age. She was also a teacher's assistant in one of my classes, so I've actually seen her before. At that time, I didn't think much of her. As we talked on AIM, we arranged a place where we could meet eachother. We met, and we just waved to eachother. Time passed, and I asked her out for a little date thing.
She came over my house, and we didn't really make eye contact or anything. Apparently, one of her friends lives close to my house, so we went over there. We stayed there for a while, and eventually, it was time for her to go home. We said good bye, and she went off. She seemed to be more comfortable chatting with me through AIM, so we talked over that most of the time back then.
So, as we talked, she brought up her friend thinks we should go out, and I agreed. She wasn't too sure about it, so she gave it time. Eventually, she agreed as well. She was very shy, and I was more of the lovey dovey type, so that took some time to establish a proper connection. Finally, when she was in my arms, she kissed me. I was amazed, and I've never felt happier. After that, our relationship grew, and we eventually began to love eachother.
I asked her if she had been with anyone else before, and she said no. She said that I was her first. The first she's kissed, and other stuff such as that. I lied, on the other hand. I told her I've been with someone else. I mean, I had been with one other girl, but it never went anywhere. I told her that I have all ready experienced my first kiss, I can't remember why.
Again, time passed, and we grew closer. Things became serious, and sex found it's way into the relationship. One night, we were in bed, and it just basically led to sex. I didn't burst her hymen, I didn't want any blood on my bed. Of course, that isn't what I told her. We both loved eachother deeply, but then something happened. I will try to make this short, I don't care for people. I've only cared for about two people in my life. Everyone who wants to spend time with me that I don't know or care about I label my stalkers. One of the only people I've cared about is the girl that this story is about, and the other is what broke us apart. Daniel, the closest thing I had to a brother was killed. I went insane. I became so vulnerable, that the slightest thing would make me burst into tears.
With her on the other hand, I cried quite often. The slightest thing that she did would make me cry, as I said earlier. So, I knew I had to break up with her. I would have to choose between her, or my sanity. I of course chose my sanity. I used to inflict pain on myself whenever I was depressed, or sad. With her, I would get depressed or sad. I didn't know how to tell her, and I didn't want to hurt her.
I didn't tell her for about a month, and we began to spread apart from eachother. She grew concerned, and that began to hurt me. It troubled me that I was causing this because I just didn't want to hurt her. Either way, I would though. I didn't know what to do.
One day, I worked up the courage to tell her. I didn't want to do it in person, so I called her on her cell phone. I made it quick, and I told her that I was breaking up with her. I didn't tell her why, I just tried to restrain myself through the phone call just enough to tell her. She took it very hard. She screamed, and threw the phone. I felt a deep hurt, and I thought she was going to inflict pain onto herself. I didn't want that to happen, so I kept calling her name on the phone, hoping she would hear me. Eventually she reached a state of sobbing, and she picked up the phone, asking why. I didn't give an answer, and I tried to say good bye. She replied, "I love you," and I said, "I know."
After that, I just put the phone back and fell to the floor. I tried to look onto the bright side of things and convince myself that I was fine by singing a tune. Apparently, she walked over to my house and she over heard me singing, "I'm free." That broke the peices left of her heart. I just recently found out about this. Anyway, so I went outside, and tried keep a positive attitude. I tried to convince her that she would be fine, and at the time she wouldn't believe me. I couldn't deal with it anymore, so I just patted her on the back and said what I planned to be my final farewell.
My mother took her home, because she walked to my house, which is about a two mile distance. Time went by, and she started updating her blogs and such. She started on about how I was a horrible person, and how I mistreated her. I'll admit we did have our problems, but she was happy . . . I was happy. This put me in a state of depression, and I began to inflict pain onto myself. My mother found out about it, and called her up. She told her to stop putting all the nonsense she had on there. So, she deleted everything about me, and time went by.
I did not talk or see her for a long while. Eventually, my friend Daniel's fueneral came up. I gave a speech representing him, and his friends. His last wish was to give everything to me, and the thought of that still brings my heart sorrow. Shortly after that, one of my stalkers prank called my mother and father. I was like, "what the hell?" and such. So, I called my ex, and she didn't sound exactly happy. I got a sense that it was unwanted, and that she hated me. She knew this particular stalker better than I did, and she said that he turned into quite a bit of an ass. So, I took her advice, gave her my thanks and farwells.
During the time we didn't see eachother, I've done some pretty idiotic things. I got involved with drugs, sex, and alcohol. I started doing these things frequently, and became a habit. I had my own little fan girls that I would have sex with whenever I felt like it, and I had my drugs to give me an extra high. I tried to make myself forget about the two that I cared so deeply for, but nothing seemed to work. Seeing that none of the things I was doing were helping me, and just caused problems, I stopped. I sobered up, and became depressed once again.
After awhile, problems arised for my family. My father is having problems with keeping illegal animals, and my mother is having trouble paying to live in the state we do. So, seeing that I was going to be leaving, I tried to settle things with my ex. I called her up, and I apologized for any hurt I have caused her. She again had the tone of hatred in her voice, so I kept the conversation short. I wanted to forget about her, so I put everything that she had given me into a box, and left it on her doorstep with a letter.
In the letter I told her that inside the box, was everything that she had given me. I told her that I was leaving, and I wanted to forget about the life I had here. Apparently, she didn't care much for it. I assume she just threw the stuff out. I emailed about the letter, and we chatted(This conversation is in a later post, read it to learn a few things.). Again, it appeared that she hated me. I kept it to about five messages, along the way, I heard something that really hurt me. She didn't miss me, she missed my belongings. In my mind, I questioned that if she had ever loved me. It all added up, but I still refuse to believe it.
She is with someone else now, still with hatred toward me. I accepted the fact that I will never see her again, and that one of the few people I've ever cared for hates me. She still haunts my heart and mind, even the stupidest things remind me of her. Then, I spiral into sadness.
I wonder if I will ever love again. That is all I want. I know the question is not answerable, but I would enjoy if others would share their experiences and wisdom. Most of the people here are far older than myself, so I thought this would be a good place to seek advice.
Thank you for your time.
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