i'm bored, anyone wanna talk

[Vegeta's Briefs]

No. I haven't. Is it any good?
Oh hey, I have a joke for you, but it isn't a blonde joke.

There's an average joe, a fastfood restaurant owner, and a lawyer, and they're all showing off their dogs.

The Joe says, "Look at what my dog can do. Fido, fetch the paper." The dog got the paper, and returned with it neatly folded.

"That's nothing." Says the restaurant owner. "Ronald, make a BicMac." The dog fixed the french fries, hamburger, and soda, and brought it to them.

"Well, look at what SUE can do." Said the lawyer. The dog ate the burger, shredded the newspaper, and then sued for $5,000,000, claiming that the burger made him fat, and he got a disease from the newspaper.
~~~
Jesus and Devil get into a war, and decide to show off each others computer skills. They both get work, typing up memoes, writing faxes, e-mails, and making webpages. Then a thunderstorm hits, and the computers crash. Satan loads up his computer, and cries out in angst, "It's all gone! Everything is gone!" Jesus turns on his computer, and gets back to work.
The devil is stunned.

"How did he do that? He's cheating!"

God just shrugs and says, "Jesus saves."
~~~
*bows down* okay, exit, stage left. I'm out for the night.

 

[SilverSaijin]

You always have the best jokes Vegita's Briefs, and no, I haven't tried Robotech. I was ondering if anyone had before I made up my mind about it.

 

[Mr. Nemo]

i got 2 good blonde jokes

1. there are 3 blondes walking in the forest they come across a river and they don't know how to get across so this mistic guy comes out of the river and grants each of them a wish, the first girl wishes for a boat and paddles across but sinks the second girl wishes for wings and tried to fly across but fell like the first then the 3rd girl wishes to be a brunette and crosses the bridge...

2. there is a girl driving on the road and cuts this guy off and he gets pissed and pulls her over and takes her out of the car and starts yelling at her, he draws a circle in the middle of the street and says get in that circle and don't move out of it...then he turns around and starts kicking her car and punching it and she's laughing "whats so funy" he says then slashes all her tires and she's laughing harder, "whats so ****ing funny" and then he turns around and starts pouring gasoline on her car and lights it on fire and it blows up and she's dying laughing...what is so fuunny!! and she says everytime you turn around i put my foot outside the circle...

thank you thank you

 

[Mr. Nemo]

Q:why do blonde girls have broozes on there belly buttons
A:because blonde guys aren't that smart either


sorry for the double post

 

[SilverSaijin]

those last two were pretty good.

EDIT

I think I'm just about done here tonight. And Vegita's Briefs, I would like to reiterate: Your fanfic is one the best things to happen to man since presliced bread. Once your done, you should try to publish it in some sci-fi magazine. Its very good. And would it be okay if I printed it out once you finished it?

 

[Eon]

man i cannot think of what to put....ummm....

 

[Vegeta's Briefs]

Lol. I love those spam thingies of yours.

Here are some religious jokes:

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"


One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
~~~
some blonde jokes :devgrin:

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."


Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
~~~
Some true stories:

A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides.

During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.

The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"


A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.

While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.

Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."

"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.
~~~
and some odd anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

 

[Ryoko]

Heh anargrams are coo

Uhm, what food do you all like? *Ryoko likes pizza, chips and some vegetables*

Also, right now im eating "Cadburies Dream" - creamy white chocolate

Yummy

 

[Xenogias]

Umm food....*thinks about it*....
Thanks Ryoko, I haven't eaten in 2 weeks.
And yeah im testing my limits I can sometimes stay awake
for 3 weeks. Anyway my favorite food is.... well right now anything
sounds good. brb

 

[Vegeta's Briefs]

The question for me is what DON'T I like...Well, I like pizza, hamburgers, spanish food, bacon, BLT's, peanut butter and syrup sandwichs/crackers, cream cheese crackers, pork chops, fried pork chops, chicken, fried chicken, buttery mashed potatoes, buttery green beans, anything sweet (but not ice cream; I hate ice crem), I like Shepard's Salad, Frito Pie, Kettle Corn, and for fruits I like Green apples, mangos, papaya's, cherries, raspberries, and strawberries. I don't like banana's, ice cream, banana ice cream, and everything else that I didn't list.

 

[Eon]

here is a joke....

three guys walked into a bar and the fourth one ducked!

that was a lame one...
how about...ummm well none of mine are forum appropriate lol

 

[Goku_Son_1]

You thought yours was dumb.....Here's one dumber (yes it is a blond joke):

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".

 

[Eon]

heres one...

saddam hussein walks in to fill out a medical form, then he gets to the part where it says "sex" he writes in "yes please"
the receptionist said, no sex means boy or girl sir,

saddam then said, "oh it doesnt matter"

 

[Goku_Son_1]

these are the blond jokes that shows how stupid blond's really are:

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
~~~~~~
Heres a true story that they made a joke out of:

A baseball player had hit the baseball so hard it went flying as high as the birds go. Only, on the way up it hit a bird. They called it a fawl ball.

I know that was stupid, but oh well!
~~~~~~
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
~~~~~~
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
~~~~~~
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
~~~~~~
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

 

[drewthug]

im bored is there any good movies on tv.

 

[Mr. Nemo]

mickey and minney are getting a diforce and mickey is standing in front of a judge and the judge is reading each statement and he says sorry mickey i'm gonna have to go with minney cause in your statment you said mikey is crazy and she doesn;t seem crazy...and mickey says no you miss read it i didn;t say she was crazy i said she was ****ing goofy

 

[Vegeta's Briefs]

Does anyone pick up habits from television? I, for one, do. I usually whistle Fiona's bird song while cooking eggs, and I'm always saying "Legged", instead of "leggd" (if you get what I mean). Does anyone else do that? Or am I just weird?

 

[ph34r t3h Cute]

Originally posted by Vegeta's Briefs
Does anyone pick up habits from television? I, for one, do. I usually whistle Fiona's bird song while cooking eggs, and I'm always saying "Legged", instead of "leggd" (if you get what I mean). Does anyone else do that? Or am I just weird?

yea i got that too, i watched street fighter and then i went outside and beat the **** out of some kiddies i found

not really, i think your just weird ^_^

 

[.FM.]

whats this all about chicken wings?

 

[Scruffie]

Got a kind of Britishy joke...

Three guys buy a pub and are deciding what to call it.

Guy 1 : How about the Deers Antlers?
Guy 2 : Na, how about the Deers Legs?
Guy 3 : Na, how about the Queens Legs?

They all agree on it, The Queens Legs.

A couple of days later, this guy is standing outside the pub, when a policeman comes along.

Police : What are doing loitering around here mate?
Man : I'm waiting for the Queens Legs to open so I can get a drink.

Thank you!