Humour thread!!! (slight political jest, but its meant as a joke, no insult meant!)

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To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.)

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whetherany of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to ****ney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collectorcards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and acceptedprovenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.





[someone sent it to me on msn, and i was thoroughly amused, if anyone has anything else like this, im in the mood for a good read =D)
 
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA!

No way in Hell. if you guys are going to do this, I might as well Emigrate to the U.K. And attempt to nationalize before this takes effect in order to exploit the situation and become a full-class citizen.


I ride a Bicycle anyway, and despite being skinnier than half the country, I'm also healthier than most of the country.

My volcabulary is superior than most, and despite being incomplete on some spellings, I for some odd reason use the proper spellings involving the use of a 'U.'

Due to my superiourity over other Americans, I demand special allowances during this transition!
 
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seen it ages ago, but still funny as lol
 
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:p Really funny, thanks for posting.
 
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I once posted that on another forum, and wrote this in response:

Dear England,

Remember that time, we whipped your ass?

Sincerely, Pride.
 
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SaiyanPrideXIX said:
I once posted that on another forum, and wrote this in response:

Dear England,

My dad can beat up your dad.

Sincerely, Pride.
Wow Pride, how old are you again?

I had a mild chuckle here or there. :]
 
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That's quite funny, but it would be even more funny if they actually tried to pull it off.

SaiyanPrideXIX said:
I once posted that on another forum, and wrote this in response:

Dear England,

Remember that time, we whipped your ass?

Sincerely, Pride.
Second World War, Pride?
Funny thing is that aparently if the germans would have known of the existance of radars England would be a german colony and english people would either speak german or be slain. As a matter of fact I would have german as native language instead of icelandic.
 
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heh heh, some of that were funny, I thought this was gonna be a bush bashign thread, oh well...

"You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists" So True.

BUT I will never spell "color" by spelling it "colour".

It's Cuh-ler, not Cuh-loor >=(
 
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Humorous. No really it was. Democrats would get a real kick out of it though.

I took the most offense to the beer. I've had European brew, I'd prefer to get wasted with American beer, and drink casually with European beer.

Pride said:
Dear England,

Remember that time, we whipped your ass?

Sincerely, Pride.
To which any Englishman could reply;

Dear America,

Remember that time in 1812, where we burnt down the White House?

Sincerly, England.

Of course the War of 1812 was ended in a stalemate. But the only real victory for the Americans in that war was the Battle for New Orleans, which was ironically after the war was declared over.
 
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Mad_AxMan said:
if anyone has anything else like this, im in the mood for a good read =D
Tassadar said:
I took the most offense to the beer. I've had European brew, I'd prefer to get wasted with American beer, and drink casually with European beer.
"What does sex in a boat have in common with American beer? They're both ****ing close to water."

Just kidding, I drink San Miguel anyway o_o
 
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hehe they want to try and fix the "american" language...come on over to New York and try and change my accent...

pain nos wha i'tawkin bout
 
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Haha, funny post xD. A good read, heavily one-sided though. Maybe you should put a friendly warning/disclaimer in your first post to stop sensitive people from posting stuff like the following.

SaiyanPrideXIX said:
I once posted that on another forum, and wrote this in response:

Dear England,

Remember that time, we whipped your ass?

Sincerely, Pride.
Tassadar said:
To which any Englishman could reply;

Dear America,

Remember that time in 1812, where we burnt down the White House?

Sincerly, England.

Of course the War of 1812 was ended in a stalemate. But the only real victory for the Americans in that war was the Battle for New Orleans, which was ironically after the war was declared over.
Perhaps Pride and Tassadar need to reread the thread title "(slight political jest, but its meant as a joke, no insult meant!)" and not spoil a thread which the topic-started made purely for comical reasons. Yea, saying you posted this on another forum does not negate the fact that you still said it here. If (and I hope it doesn't) this thread turns into a political flame war or an off-topic spam fest which doesn't even relate to the first post, we know who to throw the hose pipe at. ;)
 
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well you don't no the pa(r)k is near the wattah and coppah facto(r)ies

Gotta love the Bostanian Accent

And one more thing

Grenade launchers :)
 
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okay, we'll send some from Manchester, Liverpool and Newcastle to new york ^_^

hehe, i found it pretty funny... Btw chakra, you got it the wrong way round Color = Cul -lor Colour= Cul-leur The U is there to soften the pronounciation. I think :p

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
yeah what is up with that? >_< everytime i see english people in american films they're either the bad guy or some idiotic pompus arsehole who's lived in private school his whole life. I've yet to see a real english accent =/
 
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I think a buddy of mine had a copy of this printed out and was reading it in class a couple years ago... for some reason, I keep remembering him saying that it was from Monty Python o_O

Back when I read it the first time, I had a good chuckle, particularly when reading the point about beer, "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine" heh...still makes me chuckle (and, yes, I have tried American beer, so there's no need to tell me 'Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.'). It's pretty funny as long as you don't take any offense from it (it is, after all, a joke - not a serious analysis of cultural differences between the US and the UK).
 
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Davidskiwan said:
okay, we'll send some from Manchester, Liverpool and Newcastle to new york ^_^

hehe, i found it pretty funny... Btw chakra, you got it the wrong way round Color = Cul -lor Colour= Cul-leur The U is there to soften the pronounciation. I think :p



yeah what is up with that? >_< everytime i see english people in american films they're either the bad guy or some idiotic pompus arsehole who's lived in private school his whole life. I've yet to see a real english accent =/

professor Xavior = Patrick Stewart ftw o/
cant get more english than a guy from yorkshire ;)
 

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Mad_AxMan said:
wealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.)

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the...
That cracked me up.
 
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Personaly i hate beer. Id settle for Vodka though. ^^

Anyhow that cracked me up XD
 
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Mad_Axman said:
You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to ****ney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
I'd like to add to that: English people don't (all) sit in armchairs, wear bowler hats, smoke pipes, have moustaches and fail to pleasure our womenfolk. We don't (all) have unwaveringly respect the queen, drink tea or say 'what what', 'spiffing good show' or 'tally ho!'. We don't (all) have crooked teeth, call ciggerettes '***s', eat beef or quaff port.

We do however have the highest rate of teen pregnancies and child obesity in Europe (frankly if you're not fat, you're pregnant) There's also a continuing trend of Happy Slapping, binge drinking and creating sports-related violence. Sometimes we combine them with disasterous consequences. Just thought i'd clear that up =P

Is that Taggart thing true btw? o_O
 
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Wow. If there wasn't any certainty I was the new mod staff scapegoat before, there is now. Almost every person who replied to this thread had to take a jab at my joke. Good one guys. Ten pages of the same type of stuff and it's "ahahahahahaha so funny omg lol" ... Pride recalls writing three sentences and the thread is on fire. What a fat load of bull****.
 

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