Guys, we won the war in 12 minutes, 3 years ago on the day that article came out. It wasn't because of oil, either. Canada was on the brink of invading Russia, but we didn't want a full scale war on our side of the world, so we invaded Mexico as a show of force, thus creating a full scale war on our side of the world. I'm sure some of you are thinking, "That's retarded."
Look at me. Look hard.
When was the last time you heard Putin say, "Eh." or use maple syrup? Yeah. I thought so. Don't worry, world. We'll keep saving you. No need to thank us or anything. Oh, remember that alien invasion we thwarted? Of course not. You were all asleep while we were in space, clearing ship by ship, room by room. 2 hours later, an alien fleet was destroyed. Yeah. We're that good. But it's okay. Don't pay off the 391322312312 gazillion dollar debt we have. The debt we incurred saving the Earth from aliens and hostile Canadians.
Ingrates. All of you.