â4:12 AM, Captainâs Log â Number zero-zero-zero⦠one
âWhen I turned on the radio this morning, I heard something strange. Other than my usual visions of sheep dancing merrily in the blood stained snow, I was informed by the S.S. Carnage that I was to dock on some weird sheep. SHIP! I meant ship, really I did. Slip of the tongue, oh dear my!
âIt was a bigger ship than mine, but my files on the S.S. Carnage say that itâs crew is no better than the skirt-wearing moles on planet Darznack. But the captain! Ah⦠he was a pirate. Oh, he looked and acted like a nice guy, but I know pirates when I smell them. All stinky and like rum. People say heâs won awards for bravery and chivalry, but since I donât even know what the heck those are Iâm not bothered. He does seem to have a weak spot for his crew though. He likes them smug and safe, like two little lambs under their mothers wool⦠as a wolf comes barreling down the mountain.â
Drooling is heard as water splashes the control panel, making sparks.
âAnyways, thatâs only part of the story. That stupid Carnage had a weapon of mass destruction! I love weapons of mass destruction.â
More drooling is heard.
âBut itâs mine! He wants it for his stupid political agendas â whatever those are â and I want it for myself! Imagine how many planets I can hold hostage with that baby! Oh yeah, the SG400 â Supergun model and make 4000.
âI need some coffee.â
Bob swings around on his chair, his two green feet dangling over its side. He wiggles his scaley toes before slipping into his boots and marching out of his quarters.
He walks through the long hallways of his precious ship â the Sheepy Lizzard â and nods gently to his brave crew⦠all of whom give him a strange glance. He walks to the food quarter, wondering about the chill in the air, and gets himself a cup of coffee.
âAhhâ¦â He says, sipping on it.
He then walks back into his quarters and presses the record button on the desk in front of him.
âI forgot my pants.â He blinks, and slips off his boots. âI canât believe I just did that. Oh well. All my maties understand my situation. Too many coffees, not enough sheep. I MEAN SLEEP!â
Bob dresses himself entirely, making sure his pants are nice and tight, and pulls the tape recorder out of the desk. Despite his obvious advantages in technology, he preferred the Sonyâs of the 20th century. They made him sound like he was baaing all the time. He liked that.
âI now approach the rooster pit⦠er⦠sheep pit⦠uh⦠MY BOMBING ROOM! Muahha⦠I plan on striking this mysterious Sâ â Saying it as sss â âand getting the weapon that I deserve! My money! MY MONEY!â
âNoon PM, Captainâs Log zero-zero-four-two-four-zero-nine-eight-ten-blast offâ¦
âI do not know who this âCaptain Sssâ thinks he is, demanding that I dock with his ship! My ship is already married, and the idea of docking is per⦠per⦠posteriousness! I need more coffee, but not now⦠now Iâm fighting!
âMy ship had attacked him first. It was fun. I started my attack by pretending to comply with Captain Ssssâs order to dock, but when I got close enough I fired the main engine and told the crew to aim for the weak spots in the ships large hull.
âBut he struck back and managed to damage my BEDROOM. That sick mother⦠ahh! We narrowly dodged a torpedo fired by my own crew, which bounced off his shields. Perhaps I should use lasorsâ¦â
â2:00 PM, Captainâs Log One
âI lost track of time. We have been flying circles around the Carnage shooting lasers and a new beam weapon known as an âIon Cannonâ at the Captains lounge. Then Captain Ssss sent a message to surrender our weapons and power down imedeitly⦠Emedaitly⦠As soon as possible, and then to dock and we would not be hurt.
âWe docked, alright, and rushed out into his ship screaming our battle cry. âHOOOLAâ. His crew seemed⦠sane. But that was nothing compared to the horrible stench that came from his crew â roses I think. We got into a hand-to-hand fight, and my Blaster Cannon stood ground, although at one point in the battle it fell to pieces. But thatâs not the fun part. The fun part is when I beat him! Here is my exact recollection of the happenings.â
A small hissing noise comes up from Bobâs throat, as he remembers.
âI rushed through his crew, blasting away like a mad rabbit, SHEEP⦠doâh⦠dragon! I shot two of his crew members before I realized that I attacked only but empty suits. Apparently, we docked on the wrong side of the ship. Hmmâ¦The stink of that flower is getting worse.
âAnyways, I crept up to the ****pit, smiling devilishly⦠but, of course, our screaming and fighting had alerted Captain Ssss of my presence. He met me at the bridge. The bridge was soâ¦clean. In addition, the buttons were all shiny and glowing. I noticed a big red one that seemed to call my name. Then I saw a very big naked ape-like thing in one corner of the bridge, I think he was called a âHumanâ.
"For some reason, he was alone. I thought this my advantage, but it turned out to be a little⦠sheepish.
âAs it turned out when I went creeping to find Captain Ssss I seemed to have left my crew in the docking bay⦠scared sheepless. So I ran underneath the humans legs, making sure to tickle his little fat thighs with my tail. I jumped and landed behind a large metal machine called a âchairâ. He, of course, hadnât any idea what was happening. Iâm too fast.
âHe jumped after me, wings expanding from his back. I didnât know that humans had wings. If I had been behind him, I would have seen that funny pimple start glowing. His wings began to glow, like a banana on fire, and the sight made me sick. Almost as sick as that God-awful smell!
âSo I scurried off, jumping off of weird flashing lights called âalarmsâ on the wall. I could not see any of my surrounding area, as you should know you damned recorder! So when I hit the windshield, it didnât surprise me. It kind of looked like a fuzzy gorilla, chasing sheep. Only those are easily killed by the overpowering smell of rose.
âWhen I turned around, I could see his wings were glowing â how weird, I only now realize that he was the only clear thing in my sight â and dripping stinky black stuff. I have dubbed it, the stinky black stuff of Sss. The combined smell of the stinky black stuff and roses was almost to much for me to bearâ¦I mean, bare.
âHe then fired his wings at me. Screeching, I jumped off the windshield, listening to my claws scratch against the glass and realizing I had left my boots. The wings shot funny little floating things at me. I shall call theses things the funny floating things of Sss. I then rolled underneath his legs and he seemed to react to a soft spot I hit with my tail⦠So to distract him I decided to use my voice as a weapon.
â âSo we meet again, Mister Sss.â I said, as his wings barely slid through the air I previously farted on. He blinked at me, then bared his teeth in a twisted grin called âgrowlingâ.
â âI am a Captain!â He screamed, his wings disappearing. âAnd itâs Esss, not Sss.â
âI giggled as people do when theyâre half-crazed, and hit the door that connected the bridge to the hall. How it got there, I donât know. My recollection seems very⦠eh⦠incomplete. Almost as if I was hit one too many times over the head. Which I was. Because shortly after hitting the door, Sss began some weird dancing called âmartial artsâ.
âHe jumped around like a monkey and began to dance like a Russian, hitting me with his stinky boots all the while making funny noises. Noises I imagine two people might make when eating each other. But this man wasnât human. As I have previously thought, he was a demon. I need to add that onto my notes.â
There is a scribbling sound as Bobâs pencil races across the paper, drawing a rabbit chasing sheep.
âThere. Now letâs see⦠after that, I hopped up and jumped. His leg magically appeared over me, which meant that he went flailing backwards as I tipped him over. My head is stronger than his legs, it seems. Feeling the battle, I decided that while I was there Iâd throw my head forward. It hit the spot where my head was, and it hurt him more because that was between his legs! Hee hee, poor human⦠I mean demon.
âOther note: Apparently humans and demons have that area also. Cool, huh?
âSo anyways, I stood over him, laughing as he rolled around. And then I remembered something⦠oh shoot. I forgot it again. Oh well.â