[GOLD] There Can Be Only One.

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Title: Survival Of The Fittest

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.
 

sub

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Walmart wins this thread.

I kindly request this thread be stickied.
 

Eon

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Kidboy, I ****ing love you. This thread is comedy ****ing gold. I salute you.


you know what? **** it, I just have been inspired to do something.





Congratulations Kidboy, you have made the first official gold thread. enjoy a 3 day sticky
 

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You owe me one, Kidboy. I got your thread stickied.
 

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STOLEN?!?!!?

Oh well, it made me laugh, enjoy 3 day sticky status kidboy, you thieving ginger jugg ****ler you.

now if I already didn't sticky it, I'd make fun of you, but you got me.
 

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Clearly Kidboy is also monkeyastronaut.
 

Eon

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Go to hell sub, don't demean monkeys by calling them astronauts.

I'll fake a landing on your roof you twit.
 
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I used to complain about having too much time on my hands, until I met the man with 12 clocks and no hands.
 
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SUB'S ORIGINS

Memories.

It's amazing what the mind can do and will do to them over time. Some would stake their lives on what they remember as being the complete and utter truth, while forgetting or ignoring the effects the passage of time has on them. Sadly, this isn't exactly the case with my adopted son Hybrid. His origins and his unawareness of them are of a more sinister nature. Take your seats, my legionnaires, and brace yourselves for the tale of the Demon King who wasn't.

In the year of Nixanthros, blessed be his name, 900 N.E., the Nixium Wars had yet to be won. Thirty years of struggle, thirty years of murder and thirty years of suffering had passed by since the last time me and mine visited the core of the Abomination's empire. But we would win the war this day. Yes, for I had discovered a power unlike any other. For some, power is something one wields and uses to control others, but history tells us such power is finite. No, my brothers, I had found true power, eternal power. But to be frank, I did not find the power at all, for the power sought me out. Alas, that is a story for another time.

Moving on.

Our Imperial Warships lay dormant, overlooking the Abomination's planetary stronghold from above. I remember sending out several scout ships; a weak attempt to discover and identify their defenses. The scouts were destroyed swiftly and without mercy for that was their way. Strong and fast and ever forward. Never look back, never give up. What the Abominations lacked in civility and intelligence, they made up for in military tactics; the kind only a mad man, or crazed animal, could create.

I ordered our warships to commence planetary bombardment, and our young and eager legionnaires did so. Several minutes later, I ordered my men to stage a ground assault. I did not wish to have my men slaughtered, so I stepped into one of the pods and joined them on the battlefield. As we plummeted towards the planet's surface and pierced it's atmosphere, I thought of the growing power within myself and wondered what it was capable of doing to a being such as the Abomination we were about to face.

Twelve legions and myself crash landed in the center square of their capital city. As I looked around, I realized there would not be a welcoming party. Thousands of charred bodies littered the streets. Massive craters everywhere. The very sky had begun to darken, as if it sensed the terrible tragedy that had occurred in this place. For you see, on this planet lay a single human settlement within their main city that had been allowed to exist and flourish for unknown reasons. We could only guess they had sold their souls to the devil that is the Abomination. My men began to place the bodies on top of each other, forming a small mound, but I ordered them to cease doing so. These men, women and children were traitors and deserved to rot where they lay.

We secured and fortified our position while the rest of the assault force landed. I ordered my men to prepare for attack as we were about to strike the Abomination stronghold located within their ebony tower. Spiral staircases semi-encircled the tall spire but seemed not to lead to any doors. I remember it being odd. I remember feeling as those it were a sign, a precursor of something sinister.

My men marched to the spire but were unable to find an entrance. We were dumbfound at first, but my loyal brother in arms, Fire of the Phoenix, suggested we use seismic magifiers to see under the spire. It turned out that there were 2 large spheres under the ground. Surely the Abomination and his forces must be hiding in one of them. But how would we get to them? Again, my loyal friend gave me a suggestion. "Perhaps you should use the power you speak of so often, dear friend."

Perhaps, indeed.

I ordered my men to pull back while I focused my newfound power. I heard her voice then. Her beautiful voice...so silky...so smooth, so loving and caring, so non-judgemental. She and I would be together forever.

"FOCUS, MY LOVE!", she screamed inside of my head. Those words, they felt so powerful. And focus I did. Her power....my power, nay, our power flowed through my body! My chest began to warm as the glowing energy from within expanded all around me and slowly contracted, flowing through my hands and into my fists.

"NOW SHOW THEM WHY YOU DESERVE TO LEAD THE LEGIONS FOR ALL TIME, MY LOVE"

I hammer fisted the ground, cracking the earth beneath my feet, sending shockwaves throughout the planet. The power of The Nix flowed through my hands and into the soil, blasting it's way through the cracks and creating a large "doorway" leading into the ebony tower.

Before anyone could question what I had done, I ordered our forces to assault the tower and locate the entrance to the spheres below. They did so in record time. Fortunately, the spheres were not terribly deep and so we were able to blast our way through the ground and into the Abomination's final stronghold. As we ran down the spiral steps into their lair we found ourselves lstopped in our tracks by a final, desperate obstacle. A single wooden door, barricaded with tables, chairs and their dead. There was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, but I chose to move forward.

I gave my men a final heart-felt speech, the like of which had never been given before or since, before we blasted our way into the sphere. Once through, we realized the room was empty.

How anti-climactic.

The ape scum had managed to trick us. They were smarter than I had anticipated, but I would not be dissuaded by their cleverness. We doubled back and headed to the second sphere. I kicked in the door and to my surprise found myself in the midst of several hundred of my greatest foe. I ordered my men to attack, and they did so, but it seems I was the only one capable of holding my own. Sadly, Fire of the Phoenix had to report back to the Emperor and so he could not aid me in my time of need.

"Haaaavee yoooouu forgotten so soon, my love?"

I had.

I fought my way to the center of the room and found myself surrounded, just the way I had planned. I began to direct our energy into my center, when I noticed She was humming. If only she had form! The things I would do to her. When I could not hold back the energy any longer, I released it in a single light blue explosive flash, immediately incinerating everything around me.

Something was wrong, however. There is his guardsmen, there is his cape and there is his throne. But where is he? I walked towards his throne, when I heard what sounded like the shuffle of feet scurrying by. I quickly turned around and pointed my pulse sword at it's source.

And there he was. A manimal and a young one at that.

"Rawr!" he exclaimed.

I did not faulter, and neither did the boy for a time. Then he quickly glanced over at a smoldering body. I had nothing to fear from this manimal child, so I sheathed my sword and walked over to the object of his despair. I kneeled towards the body and lifted it up.

It was a woman. A human woman. the back of her body had been horribly burned but her face...I recognized her face. I bent closer to wish her farewell, but the manimal sprinted in my direction with what appeared to be a spear. I easily feinted and knocked him off balance. This woman must be his mother. She must have shielded him from the blast; giving her life to save that of her offspring. How quaint.

"Do not be foolish, my love. Think back and connect the dots."

And then it hit me. I began to remember my childhood. I began to remember the events that shaped me, that formed the man that exists as he does this day.

It was raining hard that night. Thunder and lightning abound. They came from the darkness, spears and crude swords in one hand, torches in the other. They raped our women, murdered our men and feasted on the dead. They left the children alone, not out of mercy, but because they wanted to instill fear in us. I remember him kicking down my door, fur wet and soggy. He smelled horrible; like an unwashed dog or bear. His eyes glowed in the darkness, and he flashed them towards my parents. He began to walk towards them while I backed into my mother's arms. She threw me at the beast, hoping to buy her and her husband some time as they escaped through the back door. They didn't get very far. The beasts tackled them and their claws ripped through their flesh like a hot knife through butter.

The beast who knocked down my door walked towards them and began to speak or whatever one would call that guttural sound. I looked around, desperate to do something, anything at all. I found a knife and attacked the beast from behind. He tripped me and I fell into the fresh mud, listening to the pitter patter of the rain. I gave up hope. I accepted my fate. I tried and I had failed, but I had tried damnit. That's more than what most people could say. I crawled a few feet away from the beast and listened to him laugh at me. Lightning lit up the sky and I felt the rumble of thunder echo within my chest. I lifted the hair from my face and looked the beast in the eyes. I may be a boy, but I would die a man.

The beast's eyes flashed with anger at my perceived arrogance and he lifted his spear and prepared to impale me. I saw him lift his arm and aim. I flinched at the last moment. Did I fear the beast or was that a sign of physical abuse? I decided it was fear of physical violence instilled in my when I was younger. And then I waited.

"STOOOOP!!"

Is this what it felt like to be stabbed? There was no pain. There wasn't anything really. I looked up and opened my eyes, expecting to see the beast who had slain my people grinning. Instead, I saw a woman not more than a few inches away from me.. Tears rolled down her face, mixing with rain while blood gushed from her chest onto my body.

"Ru...u..n baby Zeo.....Li..ve.......and stop t....his fro...m happp....enning aga..in..."

I cried then. I looked once more into her eyes, and ran for my life. I would run and I would live. I would not avenge my people. I would not avenge my parents. No. I would avenge the only being in the Universe willing to sacrifice their life for mine, on the off chance that I would make a difference; that I would stop this atrocity form happening elsewhere.

And that's why I'm here now, on the Abomination's stronghold, surrounded by the carcasses of hundreds of his loyal followers. I looked at the boy, and the boy looked back at me. I made my decision.

The woman who saved me had also cursed me. Her sacrifice allowed hatred to find it's way into my heart, to fuel my every thought, to permeate by very being. I was consumed by hate and vengeance, and I would be this way until every last Enemy-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-For-Fear-Of-Retribution-From-The-Mods mongrel in the Verse was dead.

I will do for this boy what no one able to do for me. I will allow this boy to grow older, to be content, to love and be loved, to seek knowledge, and to truly live. The woman on Nixium Prime sacrificed her life for me. I will sacrifice my happiness for this boy, for as long as he lives, I will never truly be at peace for he will be the last surviving Enemy-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-For-Fear-Of-Retribution-From-The-Mods in the Verse. But he will also be the one to redeem his people, to absolve them of their crimes against humanity. I would make him my own. He will be my son and I will forever treat him as such. That is my gift to you, my son.

I tackled the manimal boy and embraced him, a tear running down my cheek.

"No! Nooooo! NO!!!", he screamed as I erased his old memories and replacing them with false, happier ones. After several seconds, I let him go, and I collapsed onto the floor, weakened by my exertions. It seems my body was not yet ready for the full power of The Nix.

And then it happened.

"Daddy? Are you okay?", he said at last.

"Yes, my son. I am ok. Let us leave this place and go....home."


And that is the origin of the one known as Hybrid. It was later brought to my attention by Fire of the Phoenix that what I did was highly intelligent for, if life had deemed it ironic to repeat itself, the one known as Hybrid would surely have grown up full of hate and wanting vengeance against the ones who had slaughtered his family. In all probability (had I not formed a stronger relationship with The Nix), he would have raised an army and could have very well killed me. Of course, he would have died shortly afterwards because it's kind of hard to dodge orbital bombardments, but he'd have accomplished his mission.

The Abomination also known as the Alpha Enemy-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-For-Fear-Of-Retribution-From-The-Mods also known as Kosby had hidden deep within the Earth in a smaller third sphere that could not be detected. Once we left, he boarded the ebony tower, made his way to the center, and flew elsewhere in what is now known to be an interstellar spacecraft.
 

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Lies and propaganda.
 

Eon

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I'm pretty sure you ruined the thread zeo, thanks dookey.
 
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If by ruined, you mean made greater, I agree. In light of recent discussions, I can't help but feel there are far too many heretics on this board. It is their right to hear the truth as inspired by The Nix.
 
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The cake and the Nix is the same thing.
 
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Delicious?

I concur.
 
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The cake to which I refer, is a lie, and a bait for making people do your wish.
 
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