For those that don't know, I often make posts or, in situations that warrant it, entire threads about spiders that I encounter on the field of battle. I don't always post about these engagements, but if I thought an opponent put up a particularly worthy fight, I need to let the world know of my victory. Suffice it to say, I've killed countless spiders and made my fair share of posts. So do not take it lightly when I say that if I were an admin, the spider I am about to tell you about would get not a post, and not a thread, but an entire forum section dedicated to my triumph over this soulless abomination.
Our story begins one fine night this summer. I was eating dinner in the kitchen, which had slowly started to become my favorite part of the day. I watch Netflix, eat, and am oblivious to the world. It's bliss.
So I'm eating, and out of the corner of my eye I spot this ******* elephant sprinting across the room. But I'm like halfway through this great meal, and I'm watching Farscape which is the greatest show in the entire world, so I think nothing of it. I can't let my imagination get in the way of Farscape. I finish my meal. I wallow in the self pity and disdain that comes from eating the entirety of an hour long show, and that's when I look to my right. It's 4 feet away from me, and it's been watching me this entire time. I suspect it considers ending my life right now, but given the pathetic state that I'm in, I think it decides not to do me the favor. And so it watches with pure disdain, possibly in a state of disbelief that the bloated and sluggish creature before it was the one and only Sub, legendary and infamous among all spider kind.
I can't quite describe what is going on in my head at this point. Normally my reaction would be one of fear or a fury of action that results in its death. This time was different, though. Not only was I mostly immobilized thanks to all the that food I ate, but I was also in awe of this disgusting creature. It was by far the biggest spider I've ever seen. I wanted to take pictures and document it for science, because no one would ever believe that this thing exists. As I motioned to get up and obtain a camera, that's when it sprang into action. I don't know why I thought this evil monstrosity would let this fly.
In an instant I was overpowered and knocked onto the ground. I catch my last glimpse of it scurrying under the stove before succumbing to blackness and losing consciousness. I was defeated, distraught, and bulging and the seams, but I had gained one key victory that night -- I discovered where it lived.
NEXT TIME ON SUB'S POST:
Will Sub ever regain consciousness?
Is the spider really faster than flash and superman combined?
Can you actually purchase guns at Walmart?
AND MORE