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MC

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1. Why is there something rather than nothing?

Well, why not? Why expect nothing rather than something? No experiment could support the hypothesis ‘There is nothing’ because any observation obviously implies the existence of an observer.

Is there any a priori support for ‘There is nothing’? One might respond with a methodological principle that propels the empty world to the top of the agenda. For instance, many feel that whoever asserts the existence of something has the burden of proof. If an astronomer says there is water at the south pole of the Moon, then it is up to him to provide data in support of the lunar water. If we were not required to have evidence to back our existential claims, then a theorist who fully explained the phenomena with one set of things could gratuitously add an extra entity, say, a pebble outside our light cone. We recoil from such add-ons. To prevent the intrusion of superfluous entities, one might demand that metaphysicians start with the empty world and admit only those entities that have credentials. This is the entry requirement imposed by Rene Descartes. He clears everything out and then only lets back in what can be proved to exist.

St. Augustine had more conservative counsel: we should not start at the beginning, nor at the end, but where we are, in the middle. We reach a verdict about the existence of controversial things by assessing how well these entities would harmonize with the existence of better established things. If we start from nothing, we lack the bearings needed to navigate forward. Conservatives, coherentists and scientific gradualists all cast a suspicious eye on ‘Why is there something rather than nothing?’.

Most contemporary philosophers feel entitled to postulate whatever entities are indispensable to their best explanations of well accepted phenomena. They feel the presumption of non-existence is only plausible for particular existence claims. Since the presumption only applies on a case by case basis, there is no grand methodological preference for an empty world. Furthermore, there is no burden of proof when everybody concedes the proposition under discussion. Even a solipsist agrees there is at least one thing!

A more popular way to build a presumption in favor of nothingness is to associate nothingness with simplicity and simplicity with likelihood. The first part of this justification is plausible. ‘Nothing exists’ is simple in the sense of being an easy to remember generalization. Consider a test whose questions have the form ‘Does x exist?’. The rule ‘Always answer no!’ is unsurpassably short and comprehensive.

In Les Misérables, Victor Hugo contrasts universal negation with universal affirmation:

All roads are blocked to a philosophy which reduces everything to the word ‘no.’ To ‘no’ there is only one answer and that is ‘yes.’ Nihilism has no substance. There is no such thing as nothingness, and zero does not exist. Everything is something. Nothing is nothing. Man lives more by affirmation than by bread. (1862, pt. 2, bk. 7, ch. 6).​

As far as simplicity is concerned, there is a tie between the nihilistic rule ‘Always answer no!’ and the inflationary rule ‘Always answer yes!’. Neither rule makes for serious metaphysics.

Even if ‘Nothing exists’ were the uniquely simplest possibility (as measured by memorability), why should we expect that possibility to be actual? In a fair lottery, we assign the same probability of winning to the ticket unmemorably designated 321,169,681 as to the ticket memorably labeled 111,111,111.

Indeed, the analogy with a lottery seems to dramatically reverse the presumption of non-existence. If there is only one empty world and many populated worlds, then a random selection would lead us to expect a populated world.

Peter van Inwagen (1996) has nurtured this statistical argument. In an infinite lottery, the chance that a given ticket is the winner is 0. So van Inwagen reasons that since there are infinitely many populated worlds, the probability of a populated world is equal to 1. Although the empty world is not impossible, it is as improbable as anything can be!

For the sake of balanced reporting, van Inwagen should acknowledge that, by his reasoning, the actual world is also as improbable as anything can be. What really counts here is the probability of ‘There is something’ as opposed to ‘There is nothing’.

Is this statistical explanation scientific? Scientists stereotypically offer causal explanations—which are obviously useless for ‘Why is there is something rather than nothing?’. However, Elliot Sober (1983) argues that scientists also accept “equilibrium explanations”. These explain the actual situation as the outcome of most or all of the possible initial states. There is no attempt to trace the path by which the actual initial state developed into the present situation. It suffices that the result is invariant. Why do I have enough oxygen to breathe even though all the oxygen molecules could have congregated in one corner my room? The physicist explains that while this specific arrangement is just as likely as any other, the overwhelming majority of arrangements do not segregate oxygen.

2. Is there at most one empty world?

Most philosophers would grant Peter van Inwagen's premise that there is no more than one empty world. They have been trained to model the empty world on the empty set. Since a set is defined in terms of its members, there can be at most one empty set.

But several commentators on the nature of laws are pluralists about empty worlds (Carroll 1994, 64). They think empty worlds can be sorted in terms of the generalizations that govern them. Newton's first law of motion says an undisturbed object will continue in motion in a straight line. Aristotle's physics suggests that such an object will slow down and tend to travel in a circle. The Aristotelian empty world differs from the Newtonian empty world because different counterfactual statements are true of it.

If variation in empty worlds can be sustained by differences in the laws that apply to them, there will be infinitely many empty worlds. The gravitational constant of an empty world can equal any real number between 0 and 1, so there are more than countably many empty worlds. Indeed, any order of infinity achieved by the set of populated possible worlds will be matched by the set of empty worlds.

This is true even if we restrict attention to laws that preclude all objects and therefore only govern empty worlds. Consider a law that requires any matter to adjoin an equal quantity of anti-matter. The principles of matter and anti-matter ensure that they cannot co-exist so the result would be an empty world.

Advocates of the fine tuning argument (a descendent of the design argument) claim that the conditions under which life can develop are so delicate that the existence of observers indicates divine intervention. A similar argument might be fashioned that stresses what a narrow range of laws permit the formation of concrete entities. From the perspective of these fine tuners, the existence of a universe with rocks is an inspiring surprise.

Some existentialists picture nothingness as a kind of force that impedes each object's existence. Since there is something rather than nothing, any such nihilating force cannot have actually gone unchecked. What could have blocked it? Robert Nozick (1981, 123) toys with an interpretation of Heidegger in which this nihilating force is self-destructive. This kind of double-negation is depicted in the Beatles's movie The Yellow Submarine. There is a creature that zooms around like a vacuum cleaner, emptying everything in its path. When this menace finally turns on itself, a richly populated world pops into existence.

Some cultures have creation myths reminiscent of The Yellow Submarine. Heidegger would dismiss them as inappropriately historical. ‘Why is there something rather than nothing?’ is not about the origin of the world. Increasing the scientific respectability of the creation story (as with the Big Bang hypothesis) would still leave Heidegger objecting that the wrong question is being addressed.

3. Can there be an explanatory framework for the question?

Some would disagree with van Inwagen's assumption that each possible world is as likely as any other. There have been metaphysical systems that favor less populated worlds.

Gottfried Leibniz pictured possible things as competing to become actual. The more a thing competes with other things, the more likely that there will be something that stops it from becoming real. The winners in Leibniz's struggle for existence are cooperative. They uniquely fit the niche formed by other things. Thus this key hole into existence implicitly conveys information about everything. The little bit that is not, tells us about all that there is.

On the one hand, this metaphysical bias in favor of simplicity is heartening because it suggests that the actual world is not too complex for human understanding. Scientists have penetrated deeply into the physical world with principles that emphasize simplicity and uniformity: Ockham's razor, the least effort principle, the anthropic principle, etc.

On the other hand, Leibniz worried that the metaphysical bias for simplicity, when driven to its logical conclusion, yields the embarrassing prediction that there is nothing. After all, an empty world would be free of objects trying to elbow each other out. It is the easiest universe to produce. (Just do nothing!) So why is there is something rather than nothing?

Leibniz's worry requires a limbo between being and non-being. If the things in this limbo state do not really exist, how could they prevent anything else from existing?

Leibniz's limbo illustrates an explanatory trap. To explain why something exists, we standardly appeal to the existence of something else. There are mountain ranges on Earth because there are plates on its surface that slowly collide and crumple up against each other. There are rings around Saturn because there is an immense quantity of rubble orbiting that planet. This pattern of explanation is not possible for ‘Why is there something rather than nothing’. For instance, if we answer ‘There is something because the Universal Designer wanted there to be something’, then our explanation takes for granted the existence of the Universal Designer. Someone who poses the question in a comprehensive way will not grant the existence of the Universal Designer as a starting point.

If the explanation cannot begin with some entity, then it is hard to see how any explanation is feasible. Some philosophers conclude ‘Why is there something rather than nothing?’ is unanswerable. They think the question stumps us by imposing an impossible explanatory demand, namely, Deduce the existence of something without using any existential premises. Logicians should feel no more ashamed of their inability to perform this deduction than geometers should feel ashamed at being unable to square the circle.

David Hume offers a consolation prize: we might still be able explain the existence of each event even if it is impossible to explain everything all together. Suppose that the universe is populated with an infinite row of dominoes. The fall of each domino can be explained by the fall of its predecessor.

Hume denied that the existence of anything could be proved by reason alone. But rationalists have been more optimistic. Many have offered a priori proofs of God's existence. Such a proof would double as an explanation of why there is something. If God exists, then something exists. After all, God is something.

But would God be the right sort of something? If we are only seeking an a priori proof of something (anything at all!), then why not rest content with a mathematical demonstration that there exists an even prime number?

4. The restriction to concrete entities

Van Inwagen's answer is that we are actually interested in concrete things. A concrete entity has a position in space or time. For instance, a grain of sand, a camel, and an oasis are all concrete entities. Since they have locations, they have boundaries with their environment. (The only exception would be an entity that took up all space and time.)

Admittedly, points in space and time have locations. But concrete entities are only accidentally where and when they are. All concrete entities have intrinsic properties. Their natures are not exhausted by their relationships with other things. Consider Max Black's universe containing nothing but twin iron spheres. The spheres are distinct yet have the same relationships and the same intrinsic properties.

All material things are concrete but some concrete things might be immaterial. Shadows and holes have locations and durations but they are not made of anything material. There is extraneous light in shadows and extraneous matter in holes; but these are contaminants rather than constituents. If there are souls or Cartesian minds, then they will also qualify as immaterial, concrete entities. Although they do not take up space, they take up time. An idealist such as George Berkeley could still ask ‘Why is there is something rather than nothing?’ even though he was convinced that material things are not possible.

Although all concrete things are in space or time, neither space nor time are concrete things. Where would space be? When would time occur? These questions can only be answered if space were contained in another higher space. Time would be dated within another time. Since the same questions can be posed for higher order space and higher order time, we would face an infinite regress.

There is no tradition of wondering ‘Why is there space and time?’. One reason is that space and time seem like a framework for there being any contingent things.

Absolutists think of the framework as existing independently of what it frames. For instance, Newton characterized space as an eternal, homogenous, three dimensional container of infinite extent. He believed that the world was empty of objects for an infinite period prior to creation (setting aside an omnipresent God). An empty world would merely be a continuation of what creation interrupted.

Others think the framework depends on what it frames. Like Leibniz, Albert Einstein pictured (or “pictured”) space as an abstraction from relations between objects. Consequently, space can be described with the same metaphors we use for family trees. Maybe space grows bigger. Maybe space is curved or warped or has holes. There is much room to wonder why space has properties that it has. But since space is an abstraction from objects, answers to any riddles about space reduce to facts about objects. One can wonder why there is space. But this is only to wonder why there are objects.

5. The contingency dilemma

All concrete things appear to be contingent beings. For instance, the Earth would not have existed had the matter which now constitutes our solar system formed, as usual, two stars instead of one. If no concrete thing is a necessary being, then none of them can explain the existence of concrete things.

Even if God is not concrete, proof of His existence would raise hope of explaining the existence of concrete things. For instance, the Genesis creation story suggests that God made the Earth and that He had a reason to do so. If this account could be corroborated we would have an explanation of why the Earth exists and why we exist.

This divine explanation threatens to over-explain the data. Given that God is a necessary being and that the existence of God necessitates the existence of the Earth, then the Earth would be a necessary being rather than a contingent being.

The dilemma was generalized by William Rowe (1975). Consider all the contingent truths. The conjunction of all these truths is itself a contingent truth. On the one hand, this conjunction cannot be explained by any contingent truth because the conjunction already contains all contingent truths; the explanation would be circular. On the other hand, this conjunction cannot be explained by a necessary truth because a necessary truth can only imply other necessary truths. This dilemma suggests that ‘Why are there any contingent beings?’ is impossible to answer.

Rowe is presupposing that an answer would have to be a deductive explanation. If there are ‘inferences to the best explanation’ or inductive explanations, then there might be a way through the horns of Rowe's dilemma.

There also remains hope that Rowe's dilemma can be bypassed by showing that the empty world is not a genuine possibility. Then the retort to ‘Why is there something rather than nothing?’ is ‘There is no alternative to there being something’.

‘There might be nothing’ is false when read epistemically. (Roughly, a proposition is epistemically possible if it is consistent with everything that is known.) For we know that something actually exists and knowledge of actuality precludes epistemic possibility. But when read metaphysically, ‘There might be nothing’ seems true. So ‘Why is there something rather than nothing?’ is, so far, a live question.

The question is not undermined by the a priori status of knowledge that something exist. (I know a priori that something exists because I know a priori that I exist and know this entails ‘Something exists’.) Knowledge, even a priori knowledge, that something is actually true is compatible with ignorance as to how it could be true.

Residual curiosity is possible even when the the proposition is known to be a necessary truth. A reductio ad absurdum proof that 1 − 1/3 + 1/5 − 1/7 + … converges to π/4 might persuade me that there is no alternative without illuminating how it could be true. For this coarse style of proof does not explain how π wandered into the solution. (Reductio ad absurdum just shows a contradiction would follow if the conclusion were not true.) This raises the possibility that even a logical demonstration of the metaphysical necessity of ‘Something exists’ might still leave us asking why there is something rather than nothing (though there would no longer be the wonder about the accidentality of there being something).

6. The intuitive primacy of positive truths

Henri Bergson maintained that nothingness is precluded by the positive nature of reality. The absence of a female pope is not a brute fact. ‘There is not a female pope’ is made true by a positive fact such as the Catholic Church's regulation that all priests be men and the practice of drawing popes from the priesthood. Once we have the positive facts and the notion of negation, we can derive all the negative facts. ‘There is nothing’ would be a contingent, negative fact. But then it would have to be grounded on some positive reality. That positive reality would ensure that there is something rather than nothing.

Human beings have a strong intuition that positive truths, such as ‘Elephants are huge’ are more fundamental than negative truths such as ‘Elephants do not jump’. The robustness of this tendency makes negative things objects of amusement. Consider the Professor's remark during his chilly banquet in Lewis Carroll's Sylvie and Bruno Concluded.

“I hope you'll enjoy the dinner—such as it is; and that you won't mind the heat—such as it isn't.”

The sentence sounded well, but somehow I couldn't quite understand it … (chapter 22)​

How can we perceive absences? They seem causally inert and so not the sort of thing that we could check empirically. Negative truths seem redundant; there are no more truths than those entailed by the conjunction of all positive truths. The negative truths seem psychological; we only assert negative truths to express a frustrated expectation. When Jean Paul Sartre (1969, 41) arrives late for his appointment with Pierre at the cafe, he sees the absence of Pierre but not the absence of the Duke of Wellington.

Philosophers have had much trouble vindicating any of these intuitions. Bertrand Russell (1985) labored mightily to reduce negative truths to positive truths. Russell tried paraphrasing ‘The cat is not on the mat’ as ‘There is a state of affairs incompatible with the cat being on the mat’. But this paraphrase is covertly negative; it uses ‘incompatible’ which means not compatible. He tried modeling ‘Not p’ as an expression of disbelief that p. But ‘disbelief’ means believing that something is not the case. Is it even clear that absences are causally inert? Trapped miners are killed by the absence of oxygen. In the end Russell gave up. In a famous lecture at Harvard, Russell concluded that irreducibly negative facts exist. He reports this nearly caused a riot.

Were it not for the threat to social order, one might stand the intuition on its head: Negative truths are more fundamental than positive truths. From a logical point of view, there is greater promise in a reduction of positive truths to negative truths. Positive truths can be analyzed as the negations of negative truths or perhaps as frustrated disbelief. Positive truths would then be the redundant hanger-ons, kept in circulation by our well-documented difficulty in coping with negative information. Think of photographic negatives. They seem less informative than positive prints. But since the prints are manufactured from the negatives, the negatives must be merely more difficult for us to process.

As difficult as negation might be psychologically, it is easier to work with than the alternatives suggested by Henry Sheffer. In 1913, he demonstrated that all of the logical connectives can be defined in terms of the stroke function |. It is the dual of conjunction: p|q is false exactly when p and q are each true. The same goes for the dual of disjunction, the dagger function, which is true exactly when p and q are each false. From a logical point of view, negation is dispensable. This raises hope that all of the paradoxes of negation can be translated away.

Bertrand Russell quickly incorporated the stroke function into Principia Mathematica. Sheffer's functions have also been a great economy to computers (as witnessed by the popularity of NAND gates). However, human beings have trouble achieving fluency with Sheffer's connectives. Even Sheffer translates p|q as neither p nor q. Psychologically, this is a double dose of negation rather than an alternative to negation.

But we could let computers do our metaphysics just as we let them do our taxes. The only serious objection is that the problems of negation do not really go away when we translate into artificial languages. For instance, the challenge posed by negative existential sentences such as ‘Pegasus does not exist’ persists when it is translated with a Sheffer stroke into ‘Pegasus exists|Pegasus exists’. Any desire to make ‘Pegaus does not exist’ come out true warrants a desire to make ‘Pegasus exists|Pegasus exists’ come out true. (Since classical logic does not permit empty names, the stroke existential sentence will be false.)

The more general concern is that the problems which are naturally couched in terms of negation persist when they are translated into a different logical vocabulary. Given that the translation preserves the meaning of the philosophical riddle, it will also preserve its difficulty.

We will engage in negative thinking to avoid highly complicated positive thinking. What is the probability of getting at least one head in ten tosses of a coin? Instead of directly computing the probability of this highly disjunctive positive event, we switch to a negative perspective. We first calculate the probability of an absence of heads and then exploit the complement rule: Probability (at least one head) = 1 − Probability (no heads).

Some possible worlds are easier to contemplate negatively. Thales said that all is water. Suppose he was nearly right except for the existence of two bubbles. These two absences of water become the interesting players (just as two drops of water in an otherwise empty space become interesting players in the dual of this universe). How would these bubbles relate to each other? Would the bubbles repel each other? Would the bubbles be mutually unaffected? Deep thinking about gravity yields the conclusion that the bubbles would attract each other! (Epstein 1983, 138-9)

The hazard of drawing metaphysical conclusions from psychological preferences is made especially vivid by caricatures. We know that caricatures are exaggerated representations. Despite the flagrant distortion (and actually because of it) we more easily recognize people from caricatures rather than from faithful portraits.

For navigational purposes, we prefer schematic subway maps over ones that do justice to the lengths and curves of the track lines. But this is not a basis for inferring that reality is correspondingly schematic.

Our predilection for positive thinking could reflect an objective feature of our world (instead of being a mere anthropocentric projection of one style of thought). But if this objective positiveness is itself contingent, then it does not explan why there is something rather than nothing. For Bergson's explanation to succeed, the positive nature of reality needs to be a metaphysically necessary feature.

7. The subtraction argument

Thomas Baldwin (1996) reinforces the possibility of an empty world by refining the following thought experiment: Imagine a world in which there are only finitely objects. Suppose each object vanishes in sequence. Eventually you run down to three objects, two objects, one object and then Poof! There's your empty world.

What can be done temporally can be done modally. There is only a small difference between a world with a hundred objects and a world with just ninety-nine, and from there …. well, just do the arithmetic!

Gonzalo Rodriguez (1997, 163) warns that we must subtract the right way. Assume that each part of a concrete entity is itself concrete. Also assume that concrete entities are infinitely divisible (as seems natural given that space is dense). An infinitely complex object cannot be nibbled away with any number of finite bites.

What to do? Rodriguez recommends big, infinite bites. Instead of subtracting entity by entity, subtract by the chunk (of infinitely composite entities).

Our metaphysical calculations are subtly influenced by how we picture possible worlds (Coggins 2003). If possible worlds are envisaged as containers, then they can be completely emptied out. Similarly, if possible worlds are pictured as stories (say maximally consistent ways things could have been), then our library will contain a tale lacking any concrete entities as characters. But if a possible worlds are pictured mereologically, as giant composites of concrete objects (Lewis 1986), our subtraction falters before we reach zero. Similarly, if possible worlds require an active construction (say, Ludwig Wittgenstein's imaginary rearrangements of objects drawn from the actual world), then the very process of construction ensures that there are some concrete objects in every possible world.

Some kind of background theory of possible worlds is needed. For without this substantive guidance, the subtraction argument seems invalid. More specifically, from a metaphysically neutral perspective, the fact that it is possible for each object to not exist seems compatible with it being necessary that at least one object exists.

The founder of modal logic, Aristotle, has special reason to deny that ‘Necessarily (p or q)’ entails ‘Necessarily p or necessarily q’. Aristotle believed that all abstract entities depend on concrete entities for their existence. Yet he also believed that there are necessary truths. The existence any particular individual is contingent but it is necessary that some individuals exist.

Science textbooks teem with contingent abstract entities: the equator, Jupiter's center of gravity, NASA's space budget, etc. Twentieth century mathematics makes sets central. Sets are defined in terms of their members. Therefore, any set that contains a contingent entity is itself a contingent entity. The set that contains you is an abstract entity that has no weight or color or electric charge. But it still depends on you for its existence.

Mathematics can be reconstructed in terms of sets given the assumption that something exists. From you we derive the set containing you, then the set containing that set, then the set containing that larger set, and so on. Through ingenious machinations, all of mathematics can be reconstructed from sets. Contemporary set theorists like to spin this amazing structure from the empty set so as to not assume the existence of contingent beings. This is the closest mathematicians get to creation from nothing!

Early set theorists and several contemporary metaphysicians reject the empty set. Yet the loveliness of the construction makes many receptive to Wesley Salmon's ontological argument: “The fool saith in his heart that there is no empty set. But if that were so, then the set of all such sets would be empty, and hence it would be the empty set.”

E. J. Lowe argues on behalf of the fool: “A set has these [well-defined identity conditions] only to the extent that its members do—but the empty set has none. Many things have no members: what makes just one of these qualify as ‘the empty set’” (1996, 116 fn.) Since mathematical statements such as ‘The first prime number after 1,000,000 is 1,000,003’ are necessary truths and can only be rendered true by the existence of a contingent being, Lowe concludes that there necessarily exists at least one contingent being. In other words, the empty world is impossible even if there are no necessary beings.

There are other metaphysical systems that make the existence of some concrete entities necessary without implying that there are any necessarily existing concrete things. In his Tractatus phase, Ludwig Wittgenstein takes a world to be a totality of facts. A fact consists of one or more objects related to each other in a certain way. By an act of selective attention, we concentrate on just the objects or just the relations. But objects and relations are always inextricably bound up with each other. Since every fact requires at least one object, a world without objects would be a world without facts. But a factless world is a contradiction in terms. Therefore, the empty world is impossible.

Nevertheless, the persuasiveness of the subtraction argument is not entirely hostage to background theories about the nature of possible worlds. Even those with metaphysical systems that guarantee the existence of some concrete entities feel pressure to revise those systems to accommodate the empty world, or at least to look for some loophole that would make their system compatible with Baldwin's thought experiment.

Consider the combinatorialist David Armstrong. He recently acquisced to the empty world by relaxing his account of truthmakers. A truthmaker is a piece of reality that makes a statement true. Armstrong believes that every contingent truth is made true by a truthmaker and has wielded the principle forcefully against analytical behaviorists, phenomenalists, nominalists, and presentists. Since there can be no truthmaker for an empty world, Armstrong appears to have a second objection to the empty world (supplementing the objection based on his combinatorial conception of a possible world). Yet Armstrong (2004, 91) instead claims that the empty world could borrow truthmakers from the actual world. His idea is that the truthmakers for possibilities are actual objects and that these actual objects could serve as the truthmakers for the empty world. David Erfid and Tom Stoneham (2009) object that cross-world truthmakers would be equally handy to the analytical behaviorists, phenomenalists and their ilk. Whether or not Armstrong has contradicted himself, he has illustrated the persuasiveness of the subtraction argument.

8. Ontological neutrality

Aristotle assumes that universal generalizations have existential import; ‘All men are mortal’ implies that there are men. But consider linked quantifications such as ‘All trespassers will be shot. All survivors will be shot again.’ The conjunction of these two universal generalizations is not a contradiction. The conjunction is false if there is a wounded trespasser who fails to be re-shot. But it can be true if all potential trespassers heed the warning. The force of the warning is conditional; ‘IF there is a trespasser, THEN he will be shot. And IF he survives this shooting, THEN he will be shot again.’

Twentieth century logicians were impressed by generalizations such as ‘All immortals live forever’ that do not commit to the existence of the subject items. They also wanted to preserve the intuitive equivalence between ‘All men are mortal’ and its contrapositive ‘All immortals are non-men’. They analyzed universal generalizations as conditionals: ‘All men are mortal’ means ‘For each x, if x is a man, then x is mortal’. If there are no men, then the generalization is vacuously true. Nevertheless, the logicians still insisted that the universal quantifier has existential import; if all is water, then there exists some water.

Even with this revision, classical logic militates against the empty world. Since its universal quantifier has existential import, each of its logical laws imply that something exists. For instance, the principle of identity, Everything is identical to itself entails There exists something that is identical to itself. All sorts of attractive inferences are jeopardized by the empty world.

Logicians do not treat their intolerance of the empty world as a resource for metaphysicians. They do not want to get involved in metaphysical disputes. They feel that logic should be neutral with respect to the existence of anything. They yearn to rectify this “defect in logical purity” (Russell 1919, 203).

The ideal of ontological neutrality has led some philosophers to reject classical logic. A direct response would be to be challenge the existential import of the classical quantifiers.

Proponents of “free logic” prefer to challenge the existential presupposition of singular terms (Lambert 2003, 124). In classical logic, names must have referents. Free logic lacks this restriction and so countenances empty names as in ‘Sherlock Holmes is a detective’ and negative existentials such as ‘Pegasus does not exist’.

These changes would have implications for W. V. Quine's (1953a) popular criterion for ontological commitment. Quine says that we can read off our ontology from the existentially quantified statements constituting our well-accepted theories. For instance, if evolutionary theory says that there are some species that evolved from other species, and if we have no way to paraphrase away this claim, then biologists are committed to the existence of species. Since philosophers cannot improve on the credentials of a scientific commitment, metaphysicians would also be obliged to accept species.

So how does Quine defend his criterion of ontological commitment from the menace looming from the empty domain? By compromise. Normally one thinks of a logical theorem as a proposition that holds in all domains. Quine (1953b, 162) suggests that we weaken the requirement to that of holding in all non-empty domains. In the rare circumstances in which the empty universe must be considered, there is an easy way of testing which theorems will apply: count all the universal quantifications as true, and all the existential quantifications as false, and then compute for the remaining theorems.

Is Quine being ad hoc? Maybe. But exceptions are common for notions in the same family as the empty domain. For instance, instructors halt their students' natural pattern of thinking about division to forestall the disaster that accrues from permitting division by zero. If numbers were words, zero would be an irregular verb.

9. The problem of multiple nothings

Many of the arguments used to rule out total emptiness also preclude small pockets of emptiness. Leibniz says that the actual world must have something rather than nothing because the actual world must be the best of all possible worlds, and something is better than nothing. But by the same reasoning, Leibniz concludes there are no vacuums in the actual world: more is better than less.

Leibniz also has arguments that target the possibility of there being more than one void. If there could be more than one void, then there could be two voids of exactly the same shape and size. These two voids would be perfect twins; everything true of one void would be true of the other. This is precluded by the principle of the identity of indiscernibles: if anything true of x is true of y, then x is identical to y.

A second problem with multiple voids arises from efforts to paraphrase them away. From the time of Melissus, there have been arguments against the possibility of a void existing in the manner that an object exists: “Nor is there any void, for void is nothing, and nothing cannot be.” (Guthrie 1965, 104) If you say there is a vacuum in the flask, then you are affirming the existence of something in the flask—the vacuum. But since ‘vacuum’ means an absence of something, you are also denying that there is something in the flask. Therefore, ‘There is a vacuum in the flask’ is a contradiction.

Some react to Melissus's argument by analyzing vacuums as properties of things rather than things in their own right. According to C. J. F. Williams (1984, 383), ‘There is a vacuum in the flask’ should be rendered as ‘The flask noths’. He does this in the same spirit that he renders ‘There is fog in Winchester’ as ‘Winchester is foggy’ and ‘There is a smell in the basement’ as ‘The basement smells’.

If this paraphrase strategy works for vacuums, it ought to work for the more prosaic case of holes. Can a materialist believe that there are holes in his Swiss cheese? The holes are where the matter is not. So to admit the existence of holes is to admit the existence of immaterial objects!

One response is to paraphrase ‘There is a hole in the cheese’ as ‘The cheese holes’ or, to be a bit easier on the ear, as ‘The cheese is perforated’. What appeared to be an existential claim has metamorphosized into a comment on the shape of the cheese.

But how are we to distinguish between the cheese having two holes as opposed to one? (Lewis and Lewis 1983, 4) Well, some cheese is singly perforated, some cheese is doubly-perforated, yet other cheese is n-perforated where n equals the number of holes in the cheese.

Whoa! We must be careful not to define ‘n-perforation’ in terms of holes; that would re-introduce the holes we set out to avoid.

Can holes be avoided by confining ourselves to the process of perforation? Single-hole punchers differ from triple-hole punchers by how they act; singlely rather than triply.

The difficulty with this process-oriented proposal that the product, a hole, is needed to distinguish between successful and merely attempted perforation. Furthermore, the paraphrase is incomplete because it does not extend to unmade holes.

Can we just leave expressions of the form ‘n-perforated’ as primitive, unanalyzed shape predicates? The Lewises note that this strands us with an infinite list of primitive terms. Such a list could never have been memorized. The Lewises do not see how ‘n-perforated’ can be recursively defined without alluding to holes.

The paraphrase prospects seem equally bleak for being ‘n-vacuumed’. Big meteorites pass through the atmosphere in about one second leaving a hole in the atmosphere—a vacuum in “thin air”. The air cannot rush in quickly enough to fill the gap. This explains why rock vapor from the impact shoots back up into the atmosphere and later rains down widely on the surface. During a meteorite shower, the atmosphere is multiply vacuumed. But this is just to say that there are many vacuums in the atmosphere.

10. Is there any nothingness?

The trouble sustaining multiple voids may push us to the most extreme answer to ‘Why is there something rather than nothing?’, namely, ‘There must not only be something but there must not be any emptiness at all!’.

Parmenides maintained that it is self-defeating to say that something does not exist. The linguistic rendering of this insight is the problem of negative existentials: ‘Atlantis does not exist’ is about Atlantis. A statement can be about something only if that something exists. No relation without relata! Therefore, ‘Atlantis does not exist’ cannot be true. Parmenides and his disciples elaborated conceptual difficulties with negation into an incredible metaphysical monolith.

The Parmenideans were opposed by the atomists. The atomists said that the world is constituted by simple, indivisible things moving in empty space. They self-consciously endorsed the void to explain empirical phenomena such as movement, compression, and absorption.

Parmenides's disciple, Zeno of Elea, had already amassed an amazing battery of arguments to show motion is impossible. Since these imply that compression and absorption are also impossible, Zeno rejects the data of the atomists just as physicists reject the data of parapsychologists.

Less radical opponents of vacuums, such as Aristotle, re-explained the data within a framework of plenism: although the universe is full, objects can move because other objects get out of the way. Compression and absorption can be accommodated by having things pushed out of the way when other things jostle their way in.

Aristotle denied the void can explain why things move. Movement requires a mover that is pushing or pulling the object. An object in a vacuum is not in contact with anything else. If the object did move, there would be nothing to impede its motion. Therefore, any motion in a vacuum would be at an unlimited speed.

Aristotle's refutation of the void persuaded most commentators for the next 1500 years. There were two limited dissenters to his thesis that vacuums are impossible. The Stoics agreed that terrestrial vacuums are impossible but believed there must be a void surrounding the cosmos. Hero of Alexandria agreed that there are no naturally occuring vacuums but believed that they can be formed artificially. He cites pumps and siphons as evidence that voids can be created. Hero believed that bodies have a natural horror of vacuums and struggle to prevent their formation. You can feel the antipathy by trying to open a bellows that has had its air hole plugged. Try as you might, you cannot separate the sides. However, unlike Aristotle, Hero thought that if you and the bellows were tremendously strong, you could separate the sides and create a vacuum.

Hero's views became more discussed after the Church's anti-Aristotelian condemnation of 1277 which required Christian scholars to allow for the possibility of a vacuum.

Christians are selective about which parts of the Bible to take seriously. They do not always choose the easier assertions. A striking example is the doctrine of creation from nothing. This jeopardized their overarching commitment to avoid outright irrationality. If creation out of nothing were indeed a demonstrable impossibility, then faith would be forced to override an answer given by reason rather than merely answer a question about which reason is silent.

All Greek philosophy had assumed creation was from something more primitive, not nothing. Consistently, the Greeks assumed destruction was disassembly into more basic units. (If destruction into nothingness were possible, the process could be reversed to get creation from nothing.) The Christians were on their own when trying to make sense of creation from nothing.

Creation out of nothing presupposes the possibility of total nothingness. This in turn implies that there can be some nothingness. Thus Christians had a motive to first establish the possibility of a little nothingness. Their strategy was start small and scale up.

Accordingly, scholars writing in the aftermath of the condemnation of 1277 proposed various recipes for creating vacuums. One scheme was to freeze a sphere filled with water. After the water contracted into ice, a vacuum would form at the top.

Aristotelians replied that the sphere would bend at its weakest point. When the vacuists stipulated that the sphere was perfect, the rejoinder was that this would simply prevent the water from turning into ice.

Neither side appears to have tried out the recipe. If either had, then they would have discovered that freezing water expands rather than contracts.

To contemporary thinkers, this dearth of empirical testing is bizarre. The puzzle is intensified by the fact that the medievals did empirically test many hypotheses, especially in optics.

Hero was eventually refuted by experiments with barometers conducted by Evangelista Torricelli and Blaise Pascal. Their barometer consisted of a tube partially submerged, upside down in bowl of mercury. What keeps the mercury suspended in the tube? Is there an unnatural vacuum that causes the surrounding glass to pull the liquid up? Or is there no vacuum at all but rather some rarefied and invisible matter in the “empty space”? Pascal answered that there really was nothing holding up the mercury. The mercury rises and falls due to variations in the weight of the atmosphere. The mercury is being pushed up the tube, not pulled up by anything.

When Pascal offered this explanation to the plenist Descartes, Descartes wrote Christian Huygens that Pascal had too much vacuum in his head. Descartes identified bodies with extension and so had no room for vacuums. If there were nothing between two objects, then they would be touching each other. And if they are touching each other, there is no gap between them.

Well maybe the apparent gap is merely a thinly occupied region of space. On this distributional model, there is no intermediate “empty object” that separates the two objects. There is merely unevenly spread matter. This model is very good at eliminating vacuums in the sense of empty objects. However, it is also rather good at eliminating ordinary objects. What we call objects would just be relatively thick deposits of matter. There would be only one natural object: the whole universe. This may have been the point of Spinoza's attack on vacuums (Bennett 1980).

Descartes was part of a tradition that denied action at a distance. Galileo was disappointed by Johannes Kepler's hypothesis that the moon influences the tides because the hypothesis seems to require causal chains in empty space. How could the great Kepler believe something so silly? When Isaac Newton resurrected Kepler's hypothesis he was careful to suggest that the space between the moon and the Earth was filled with ether.

Indeed, the universality of Newton's law of gravitation seems to require that the whole universe be filled with a subtle substance. How else could the universe be bound together by causal chains? Hunger for ether intensified as the wave-like features of light became established. It is tautologous that a wave must have a medium.

Or is it? As the theoretical roles of the ether proliferated, physicists began to doubt there could be anything that accomplished such diverse feats. These doubts about the existence of ether were intensified by the emergence of Einstein's theory of relativity. He presented his theory as a relational account of space; if there were no objects, there would be no space. Space is merely a useful abstraction.

Even those physicists who wished to retain substantival space broke with the atomist tradition of assigning virtually no properties to the void. They re-assign much of ether's responsibilities to space itself. Instead of having gravitational forces being propagated through the ether, they suggest that space is bent by mass. To explain how space can be finite and yet unbounded, they characterize space as spherical. When Edwin Hubble discovered that heavenly bodies are traveling away from each other (like sleepy flies resting on an expanding balloon), cosmologists were quick to suggest that space may be expanding. “Expanding into what?” wondered bewildered laymen, “How can space bend?”, “How can space have a shape?”, ….

Historians of science wonder whether the ether that was loudly pushed out the front door of physics is quietly returning through the back door under the guise of “space”. Quantum field theory provides especially fertile area for such speculation. Particles are created with the help of energy present in “vacuums”. To say that vacuums have energy and energy is convertible into mass, is to deny that vacuums are empty. Many physicists revel in the discovery that vacuums are far from empty.

Are these physicists using ‘vacuum’ in a new sense? If they are trying to correct laymen, then they need to couch their surprises in sentences using the ordinary sense of ‘vacuum’. Laymen are generally willing to defer to scientists when they are characterizing natural kinds. But vacuums do not seem like natural kinds such as the elements of the periodic table. They are not substances.

11. Existential aspects of nothingness

After a mystical experience in 1654, Blaise Pascal's interest in nothingness passed from its significance to science to the significance of nothingness to the human condition. Pascal thinks human beings have a unique perspective on their finitude. His Pensees is a roller coaster ride surveying the human lot. Pascal elevates us to the level of angels by exalting in our grasp of the infinite, and then runs us down below the beasts for wittingly choosing evil over goodness. From this valley of depravity Pascal takes us up again by marveling at how human beings tower over the microscopic kingdom, only to plunge us down toward insignificance by having us dwell on the vastness of space, and the immensity of eternity.

He who regards himself in this light will be afraid of himself, and observing himself sustained in the body given him by nature between those two abysses of the Infinite and Nothing, will tremble at the sight of these marvels; and I think that, as his curiosity changes into admiration, he will be more disposed to contemplate them in silence than to examine them with presumption.

For in fact what is man in nature? A Nothing in comparison with the Infinite, an All in comparison with the Nothing, a mean between nothing and everything. Since he is infinitely removed from comprehending the extremes, the end of things and their beginning are hopelessly hidden from him in an impenetrable secret; he is equally incapable of seeing the Nothing from which he was made, and the Infinite in which he is swallowed up. (Pensees sect. II, 72)​

Pascal's association of nothingness with insignificance and meaninglessness presages themes popularized by existentialists after World War II.

There are other important precursors. In The Concept of Dread, Soren Kierkegaard (1844) claims that nothingness wells up into our awareness through moods and emotions. Emotions are intentional states; they are directed toward something. If angered, I am angry at something. If amused, there is something I find amusing. Free floating anxiety is often cited as a counterexample. But Kierkegaard says that in this case the emotion is directed at nothingness.

According to Heidegger, we have several motives to shy away from the significance of our emotional encounters with nothingness. They are premonitions of the nothingness of death. They echo the groundlessness of human existence.

Some have hoped that our recognition of our rootlessness would rescue meaningfulness from the chaos of nothing. But Heidegger denies us such solace.

Heidegger does think freedom is rooted in nothingness. He also says we derive our concept of logical negation from this experience of nothing. This suggests a privileged perspective for human beings. We differ from animals with respect to nothing.

12. Animal Cognition of Absences

Since Heidegger thinks that animals do not experience nothingness, he is committed to skepticism about animal reasoning involving negation. Consider the Stoic example of a dog that is following a trail. The dog reaches a fork in the road, sniffs at one road and then, without a further sniff, proceeds down the only remaining road. The Stoics took this as evidence that the dog has performed a disjunctive syllogism: “Either my quarry went down this road or that road. Sniff—he did not go down this road. Therefore, he went down that road.” Heidegger must discount this as anthropomorphism.

Many biologists and psychologists side with the Stoic's emphasis on our continuity with animals. They deny that human beings have a monopoly on nothingness. A classic anomaly for the stimulus-response behaviorist was the laboratory rat that responds to the absence of a stimulus:

One rather puzzling class of situations which elicit fear are those which consist of a lack of stimulation. Some members of this class may be special instances of novelty. An anesthetised chimpanzee could be described as a normal chimpanzee with the added novelty of ‘no movement’; solitude could be the novelty of ‘no companions’. This is not simply quibbling with words; for there is very good evidence (see Chapter 13) that the failure of a stimulus to occur at a point in time or space where it usually occurs acts like any other kind of novel stimulus. However, the intensity of the fear evoked by the sight of a dead or mutilated body is so much greater than that evoked by more ordinary forms of novelty that we perhaps ought to seek an alternative explanation of the effects of this stimulus. Fear of the dark is also difficult to account for in terms of novelty, since by the time this fear matures darkness is no less familiar than the light. (Gray 1987, 22)​

These anomalies for behaviorism fill rationalists with mixed emotions. On the one hand, the experiments refute the empiricist principle that everything is learned from experience. On the other hand, the experiments also constitute a caution against over-intellectualizing absences. A correct explanation of emotional engagement with absences must be more general and cognitively less demanding than rationalists tend to presuppose. Even mosquito larvae see shadows. Perhaps the earliest form of vision was of these absences of light. So instead of being a pinnacle of intellectual sophistication, cognition of absences may be primal.

Existentialists tend to endorse the high standards assumed by rationalists. Their disagreement with the rationalists is over whether the standards are met. The existentialists are impressed by the contrast between our expectations of how reality ought to behave and how it in fact performs.

This sense of absurdity makes existentialists more accepting of paradoxes. Whereas rationalists nervously view paradoxes as a challenge to the authority of reason, existentialists greet them as opportunities to correct unrealistic hopes. Existentialists are fond of ironies and do not withdraw reflexively from the pain of contradiction. They introspect upon the inconsistency in the hope of achieving a resolution that does justice to the three dimensionality of deep philosophical problems. For instance, Heidegger is sensitive to the hazards of saying that nothing exists. Like an electrician who must twist and bend a wire to make it travel through an intricate hole, the metaphysician must twist and bend a sentence to probe deeply into the nature of being.

Rudolph Carnap thinks Heidegger's contorted sentences malfunction. To illustrate, Carnap quotes snippets from Heidegger's What is Metaphysics??:

What is to be investigated is being only and—nothing else; being alone and further—nothing; solely being, and beyond being-nothing. What about this Nothing? … Does the Nothing exist only because the Not, i.e. the Negation, exists? Or is it the other way around? Does Negation and the Not exist only because the Nothing exists? … We assert: the Nothing is prior to the Not and the Negation…. Where do we seek the Nothing? How do we find the Nothing…. We know the Nothing…. Anxiety reveals the Nothing…. That for which and because of which we were anxious, was 'really'—nothing. Indeed: the Nothing itself—as such—was present…. What about this Nothing?—The Nothing itself nothings. (Heidegger as quoted by Carnap 1932, 69)​

This paragraph, especially the last sentence, became notorious as a specimen of metaphysical nonsense.

The confusion caused by Heidegger's linguistic contortions is exacerbated by separating them from their original text and herding them into a crowded pen. But there is a difference between a failure to understand and an understanding of failure. The real test for whether Heidegger's sentences are meaningless is to see what can be made of them in action, applied to the questions they were designed to answer.

Carnap also needs to consider the possibility that Heidegger's sentences are illuminating nonsense. After all, Carnap was patient with the cryptic Wittgenstein. In the Tractatus, Wittgenstein speaks like an oracle. He even characterized his carefully enumerated sentences as rungs in a ladder that must be cast away after we have made the ascent and achieved an ineffable insight. And Wittgenstein meant it, quitting philosophy to serve as a lowly schoolmaster in a rural village.

Other critics deny that What is Metaphysics? suffers from an absence of meaning. Just the reverse: they think Heidegger's passages about nothing involve too many meanings. When Heidegger connects negation with nothingness and death, these logicians are put in mind of an epitaph that toys with the principle of excluded middle: Mrs Nott was Nott Alive and is Nott Dead. According to these critics, Heidegger's writings can only be understood in the way we understand the solution to equivocal riddles:

What does a man love more than life?
Hate more than death or mortal strife?
That which contented men desire,
The poor have, the rich require,
The miser spends, the spendthrift saves,
And all men carry to their graves?

(Leemings, 1953, 201)​

The answer, Nothing, can only be seen through a kaleidoscope of equivocations.

Some of the attempts to answer ‘Why is there something rather than nothing?’ equivocate or lapse into meaninglessness. The comedic effect of such errors is magnified by the fundamentality of the question. Error here comes off as pretentious error.

Those who ask the question ‘Why is there something rather than nothing?’ commonly get confused. But the question itself appears to survive tests for being merely a verbal confusion.

In any case, the question (or pseudo-question) has helped to hone the diagnostic tools that have been applied to it. As the issue gets shaped and re-shaped by advances in our understanding of ‘is’, quantification and explanatory standards, it becomes evident that the value of these diagnostic tools is not exhausted by their service in exposing pseudo-questions. For genuine questions become better understood when we can discriminate them from their spurious look-alikes.
 
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Whoever moved this topic into the public eye just killed Sub's campaign.

Bravo, thread mover.
 

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Pain moved it to the public only to show the tremendous support the public has for me. I'm sure it'll be moved back shortly. And then it'll probably be moved back to off topic again, before finally being moved back to the mod forums.
 
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Personally I wouldn't mind Sub as an Admin.
 
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Pain moved it to the public only to show the tremendous support the public has for me. I'm sure it'll be moved back shortly. And then it'll probably be moved back to off topic again, before finally being moved back to the mod forums.
Unacceptable. If you wish to progress your campaign, you will, first, need to deal with Pain.
 
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So as far as I understand, this thread was made with a title that supposed to have an actual topic, but practically, people just post long random stuff, therefore it is my turn. Ill put only a sum of it though.

PREPARE FOR DUM DUM DUMMMMM, Stephanie Mayer's TWILIGHT (a few chapters) muahahhahah DIE!

14. MIND OVER MATTER
He could drive well, when he kept the speed reasonable, I had to admit.
Like so many things, it seemed to be effortless to him. He barely looked
at the road, yet the tires never deviated so much as a centimeter from
the center of the lane. He drove one-handed, holding my hand on the
seat. Sometimes he gazed into the setting sun, sometimes he glanced at
me — my face, my hair blowing out the open window, our hands twined
together.
He had turned the radio to an oldies station, and he sang along with a
song I'd never heard. He knew every line.
"You like fifties music?" I asked.
"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the
seventies, ugh!" He shuddered. "The eighties were bearable."
"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" I asked, tentative, not
wanting to upset his buoyant humor.
"Does it matter much?" His smile, to my relief, remained unclouded.
"No, but I still wonder…" I grimaced. "There's nothing like an unsolved
mystery to keep you up at night."
"I wonder if it will upset you," he reflected to himself. He gazed into the
sun; the minutes passed.
"Try me," I finally said.
He sighed, and then looked into my eyes, seeming to forget the road
completely for a time. Whatever he saw there must have encouraged
him. He looked into the sun — the light of the setting orb glittered off
his skin in ruby-tinged sparkles — and spoke.
"I was born in Chicago in 1901." He paused and glanced at me from the
corner of his eyes. My face was carefully unsurprised, patient for the
rest. He smiled a tiny smile and continued. "Carlisle found me in a
hospital in the summer of 1918. I was seventeen, and dying of the
Spanish influenza."
He heard my intake of breath, though it was barely audible to my own
ears. He looked down into my eyes again.
"I don't remember it well — it was a very long time ago, and human
memories fade." He was lost in his thoughts for a short time before he
went on. "I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an
easy thing, not something you could forget."
"Your parents?"
"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he
chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I
was gone."
"How did he… save you?"
A few seconds passed before he answered. He seemed to choose his
words carefully.
"It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to
accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most
compassionate of us… I don't think you could find his equal throughout
all of history." He paused. "For me, it was merely very, very painful."
I could tell from the set of his lips, he would say no more on this
subject. I suppressed my curiosity, though it was far from idle. There
were many things I needed to think through on this particular issue,
things that were only beginning to occur to me. No doubt his quick mind
had already comprehended every aspect that eluded me.
His soft voice interrupted my thoughts. "He acted from loneliness. That's
usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family,
though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her
straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still
beating."
"So you must be dying, then, to become…" We never said the word, and
I couldn't frame it now.
"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had
another choice." The respect in his voice was profound whenever he
spoke of his father figure. "It is easier he says, though," he continued,
"if the blood is weak." He looked at the now-dark road, and I could feel
the subject closing again.
"And Emmett and Rosalie?"
"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize till much
later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him —
he was careful with his thoughts around me." He rolled his eyes. "But
she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she
found Emmett. She was hunting — we were in Appalachia at the time —
and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to
Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it
herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for
her." He threw a pointed glance in my direction, and raised our hands,
still folded together, to brush my cheek with the back of his hand.
"But she made it," I encouraged, looking away from the unbearable
beauty of his eyes.
"Yes," he murmured. "She saw something in his face that made her
strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they
live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we
pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed
perfect, so we all enrolled in high school." He laughed. "I suppose we'll
have to go to their wedding in a few years, again."
"Alice and Jasper?"
"Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a
conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged
to another… family, a very different kind of family. He became
depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she
has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."
"Really?" I interrupted, fascinated. "But you said you were the only one
who could hear people's thoughts."
"That's true. She knows other things. She sees things — things that
might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The
future isn't set in stone. Things change."
His jaw set when he said that, and his eyes darted to my face and away
so quickly that I wasn't sure if I only imagined it.
"What kinds of things does she see?"
"She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it
himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find
us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example,
when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they
may pose."
"Are there a lot of… your kind?" I was surprised. How many of them
could walk among us undetected?
"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like
us, who've given up hunting you people" — a sly glance in my direction
— "can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only
found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived
together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too
noticeable. Those of us who live… differently tend to band together."
"And the others?"
"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets
tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then,
because most of us prefer the North."
"Why is that?"
We were parked in front of my house now, and he'd turned off the truck.
It was very quiet and dark; there was no moon. The porch light was off
so I knew my father wasn't home yet.
"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" he teased. "Do you think
I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic
accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of
the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in
the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you can get of nighttime in
eighty-odd years."
"So that's where the legends came from?"
"Probably."
"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?"
"No, and that is a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all.
And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever
made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he
could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and
Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she
probably would have turned into a total savage."
There was so much to think through, so much I still wanted to ask. But,
to my great embarrassment, my stomach growled. I'd been so
intrigued, I hadn't even noticed I was hungry. I realized now that I was
ravenous.
"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner."
"I'm fine, really."
"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forget."
"I want to stay with you." It was easier to say in the darkness, knowing
as I spoke how my voice would betray me, my hopeless addiction to
him.
"Can't I come in?" he asked.
"Would you like to?" I couldn't picture it, this godlike creature sitting in
my father's shabby kitchen chair.
"Yes, if it's all right." I heard the door close quietly, and almost
simultaneously he was outside my door, opening it for me.
"Very human," I complimented him.
"It's definitely resurfacing."
He walked beside me in the night, so quietly I had to peek at him
constantly to be sure he was still there. In the darkness he looked much
more normal. Still pale, still dreamlike in his beauty, but no longer the
fantastic sparkling creature of our sunlit afternoon.
He reached the door ahead of me and opened it for me. I paused
halfway through the frame.
"The door was unlocked?"
"No, I used the key from under the eave."
I stepped inside, flicked on the porch light, and turned to look at him
with my eyebrows raised. I was sure I'd never used that key in front of
him.
"I was curious about you."
"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the
proper outrage. I was flattered.
He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"
I let it go for the moment and went down the hall to the kitchen. He was
there before me, needing no guide. He sat in the very chair I'd tried to
picture him in. His beauty lit up the kitchen. It was a moment before I
could look away.
I concentrated on getting my dinner, taking last night's lasagna from the
fridge, placing a square on a plate, heating it in the microwave. It
revolved, filling the kitchen with the smell of tomatoes and oregano. I
didn't take my eyes from the plate of food as I spoke.
"How often?" I asked casually.
"Hmmm?" He sounded as if I had pulled him from some other train of
thought.
I still didn't turn around. "How often did you come here?"
"I come here almost every night."
I whirled, stunned. "Why?"
"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You
talk."
"No!" I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I
gripped the kitchen counter for support. I knew I talked in my sleep, of
course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn't thought it was
something I needed to worry about here, though.
His expression shifted instantly to chagrin. "Are you very angry with
me?"
"That depends!" I felt and sounded like I'd had the breath knocked out
of me.
He waited.
"On?" he urged.
"What you heard!" I wailed.
Instantly, silently, he was at my side, taking my hands carefully in his.
"Don't be upset!" he pleaded. He dropped his face to the level of my
eyes, holding my gaze. I was embarrassed. I tried to look away.
"You miss your mother," he whispered. "You worry about her. And when
it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a
lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too green.'" He laughed
softly, hoping, I could see, not to offend me further.
"Anything else?" I demanded.
He knew what I was getting at. "You did say my name," he admitted.
I sighed in defeat. "A lot?"
"How much do you mean by 'a lot,' exactly?"
"Oh no!" I hung my head.
He pulled me against his chest, softly, naturally.
"Don't be self-conscious," he whispered in my ear. "If I could dream at
all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it."
Then we both heard the sound of tires on the brick driveway, saw the
headlights flash through the front windows, down the hall to us. I
stiffened in his arms.
"Should your father know I'm here?" he asked.
"I'm not sure…" I tried to think it through quickly.
"Another time then…"
And I was alone.
"Edward!" I hissed.
I heard a ghostly chuckle, then nothing else.
My father's key turned in the door.
"Bella?" he called. It had bothered me before; who else would it be?
Suddenly he didn't seem so far off base.
"In here." I hoped he couldn't hear the hysterical edge to my voice. I
grabbed my dinner from the microwave and sat at the table as he
walked in. His footsteps sounded so noisy after my day with Edward.
"Can you get me some of that? I'm bushed." He stepped on the heels of
his boots to take them off, holding the back of Edward's chair for
support.
I took my food with me, scarfing it down as I got his dinner. It burned
my tongue. I filled two glasses with milk while his lasagna was heating,
and gulped mine to put out the fire. As I set the glass down, I noticed
the milk trembling and realized my hand was shaking. Charlie sat in the
chair, and the contrast between him and its former occupant was
comical.
"Thanks," he said as I placed his food on the table.
"How was your day?" I asked. The words were rushed; I was dying to
escape to my room.
"Good. The fish were biting… how about you? Did you get everything
done that you wanted to?"
"Not really — it was too nice out to stay indoors." I took another big
bite.
"It was a nice day," he agreed. What an understatement, I thought to
myself.
Finished with the last bite of lasagna, I lifted my glass and chugged the
remains of my milk.
Charlie surprised me by being observant. "In a hurry?"
"Yeah, I'm tired. I'm going to bed early."
"You look kinda keyed up," he noted. Why, oh why, did this have to be
his night to pay attention?
"Do I?" was all I could manage in response. I quickly scrubbed my
dishes clean in the sink, and placed them upside down on a dish towel
to dry.
"It's Saturday," he mused.
I didn't respond.
"No plans tonight?" he asked suddenly.
"No, Dad, I just want to get some sleep."
"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" He was suspicious, but trying
to play it cool.
"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet." I was careful not to
over-emphasize the word boys in my quest to be truthful with Charlie.
"I thought maybe that Mike Newton… you said he was friendly."
"He's Just a friend, Dad."
"Well, you're too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college
to start looking." Every father's dream, that his daughter will be out of
the house before the hormones kick in.
"Sounds like a good idea to me," I agreed as I headed up the stairs.
"'Night, honey," he called after me. No doubt he would be listening
carefully all evening, waiting for me to try to sneak out.
"See you in the morning, Dad." See you creeping into my room tonight
at midnight to check on me.
I worked to make my tread sound slow and tired as I walked up the
stairs to my room. I shut the door loud enough for him to hear, and
then sprinted on my tiptoes to the window. I threw it open and leaned
out into the night. My eyes scanned the darkness, the impenetrable
shadows of the trees.
"Edward?" I whispered, feeling completely idiotic.
The quiet, laughing response came from behind me. "Yes?"
I whirled, one hand flying to my throat in surprise.
He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his
feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.
"Oh!" I breathed, sinking unsteadily to the floor.
"I'm sorry." He pressed his lips together, trying to hide his amusement.
"Just give me a minute to restart my heart."
He sat up slowly, so as not to startle me again. Then he leaned forward
and reached out with his long arms to pick me up, gripping the tops of
my arms like I was a toddler. He sat me on the bed beside him.
"Why don't you sit with me," he suggested, putting a cold hand on mine.
"How's the heart?"
"You tell me — I'm sure you hear it better than I do."
I felt his quiet laughter shake the bed.
We sat there for a moment in silence, both listening to my heartbeat
slow. I thought about having Edward in my room, with my father in the
house.
"Can I have a minute to be human?" I asked.
"Certainly." He gestured with one hand that I should proceed.
"Stay," I said, trying to look severe.
"Yes, ma'am." And he made a show of becoming a statue on the edge of
my bed.
I hopped up, grabbing my pajamas from off the floor, my bag of
toiletries off the desk. I left the light off and slipped out, closing the
door.
I could hear the sound from the TV rising up the stairs. I banged the
bathroom door loudly, so Charlie wouldn't come up to bother me.
I meant to hurry. I brushed my teeth fiercely, trying to be thorough and
speedy, removing all traces of lasagna. But the hot water of the shower
couldn't be rushed. It unknotted the muscles in my back, calmed my
pulse. The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be
the same person I had been this morning. I tried not to think of Edward,
sitting in my room, waiting, because then I had to start all over with the
calming process. Finally, I couldn't delay anymore. I shut off the water,
toweling hastily, rushing again. I pulled on my holey t-shirt and gray
sweatpants. Too late to regret not packing the Victoria's Secret silk
pajamas my mother got me two birthdays ago, which still had the tags
on them in a drawer somewhere back home.
I rubbed the towel through my hair again, and then yanked the brush
through it quickly. I threw the towel in the hamper, flung my brush and
toothpaste into my bag. Then I dashed down the stairs so Charlie could
see that I was in my pajamas, with wet hair.
"'Night, Dad."
"'Night, Bella." He did look startled by my appearance. Maybe that
would keep him from checking on me tonight.
I took the stairs two at a time, trying to be quiet, and flew into my
room, closing the door tightly behind me.
Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched
on my faded quilt. I smiled, and his lips twitched, the statue coming to
life.
His eyes appraised me, taking in the damp hair, the tattered shirt. He
raised one eyebrow. "Nice."
I grimaced.
"No, it looks good on you."
"Thanks," I whispered. I went back to his side, sitting cross-legged
beside him. I looked at the lines in the wooden floor.
"What was all that for?"
"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out."
"Oh." He contemplated that. "Why?" As if he couldn't know Charlie's
mind much more clearly than I could guess.
"Apparently, I look a little overexcited."
He lifted my chin, examining my face.
"You look very warm, actually."
He bent his face slowly to mine, laying his cool cheek against my skin. I
held perfectly still.
"Mmmmmm…" he breathed.
It was very difficult, while he was touching me, to frame a coherent
question. It took me a minute of scattered concentration to begin.
"It seems to be… much easier for you, now, to be close to me."
"Does it seem that way to you?" he murmured, his nose gliding to the
corner of my jaw. I felt his hand, lighter than a moth's wing, brushing
my damp hair back, so that his lips could touch the hollow beneath my
ear.
"Much, much easier," I said, trying to exhale.
"Hmm."
"So I was wondering…" I began again, but his fingers were slowly
tracing my collarbone, and I lost my train of thought.
"Yes?" he breathed.
"Why is that," my voice shook, embarrassing me, "do you think?"
I felt the tremor of his breath on my neck as he laughed. "Mind over
matter."
I pulled back; as I moved, he froze — and I could no longer hear the
sound of his breathing.
We stared cautiously at each other for a moment, and then, as his
clenched jaw gradually relaxed, his expression became puzzled.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No — the opposite. You're driving me crazy," I explained.
He considered that briefly, and when he spoke, he sounded pleased.
"Really?" A triumphant smile slowly lit his face.
"Would you like a round of applause?" I asked sarcastically.
He grinned.
"I'm just pleasantly surprised," he clarified. "In the last hundred years
or so," his voice was teasing, "I never imagined anything like this. I
didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with… in
another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even
though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at being with you…"
"You're good at everything," I pointed out.
He shrugged, allowing that, and we both laughed in whispers.
"But how can it be so easy now?" I pressed. "This afternoon…"
"It's not easy," he sighed. "But this afternoon, I was still… undecided. I
am sorry about that, it was unforgivable for me to behave so."
"Not unforgivable," I disagreed.
"Thank you." He smiled. "You see," he continued, looking down now, "I
wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" He picked up one of my hands and
pressed it lightly to his face. "And while there was still that possibility
that I might be… overcome" — he breathed in the scent at my wrist — "I
was… susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough,
that there was no possibility at all that I would… that I ever could…"
I'd never seen him struggle so hard for words. It was so… human.
"So there's no possibility now?"
"Mind over matter," he repeated, smiling, his teeth bright even in the
darkness.
"Wow, that was easy," I said.
He threw back his head and laughed, quietly as a whisper, but still
exuberantly.
"Easy for you!" he amended, touching my nose with his fingertip.
And then his face was abruptly serious.
"I'm trying," he whispered, his voice pained. "If it gets to be… too much,
I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."
I scowled. I didn't like the talk of leaving.
"And it will be harder tomorrow," he continued. "I've had the scent of
you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm
away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not
quite from scratch, though, I think."
"Don't go away, then," I responded, unable to hide the longing in my
voice.
"That suits me," he replied, his face relaxing into a gentle smile. "Bring
on the shackles — I'm your prisoner." But his long hands formed
manacles around my wrists as he spoke. He laughed his quiet, musical
laugh. He'd laughed more tonight than I'd ever heard in all the time I'd
spent with him.
"You seem more… optimistic than usual," I observed. "I haven't seen
you like this before."
"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" He smiled. "The glory of first love,
and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about
something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"
"Very different," I agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."
"For example" — his words flowed swiftly now, I had to concentrate to
catch it all — "the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred
thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and
movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked
me…" He grimaced. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to
the dance?"
I nodded, though I remembered that day for a different reason. "The
day you started talking to me again."
"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt — I
didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than
usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused
him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I
knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care.
"And then the line started forming," he chuckled. I scowled in the
darkness.
"I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to
watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the
annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure.
"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while
watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right,
moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore
you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that
someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me
angry.
"And then," he whispered, "as you were sleeping, you said my name.
You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over
restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling
that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I
couldn't ignore you any longer." He was silent for a moment, probably
listening to the suddenly uneven pounding of my heart.
"But jealousy… it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would
have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about
that vile Mike Newton…" He shook his head angrily.
"I should have known you'd be listening," I groaned.
"Of course."
"That made you feel jealous, though, really?"
"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything
feels stronger because it's fresh."
"But honestly," I teased, "for that to bother you, after I have to hear
that Rosalie — Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie — was
meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?"
"There's no competition." His teeth gleamed. He drew my trapped hands
around his back, holding me to his chest. I kept as still as I could, even
breathing with caution.
"I know there's no competition," I mumbled into his cold skin. "That's
the problem."
"Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a
sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never
have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me."
He was serious now, thoughtful. "For almost ninety years I've walked
among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in
myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything,
because you weren't alive yet."
"It hardly seems fair," I whispered, my face still resting on his chest,
listening to his breath come and go. "I haven't had to wait at all. Why
should I get off so easily?"
"You're right," he agreed with amusement. "I should make this harder
for you, definitely." He freed one of his hands, released my wrist, only to
gather it carefully into his other hand. He stroked my wet hair softly,
from the top of my head to my waist. "You only have to risk your life
every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have
to turn your back on nature, on humanity… what's that worth?"
"Very little — I don't feel deprived of anything."
"Not yet." And his voice was abruptly full of ancient grief.
I tried to pull back, to look in his face, but his hand locked my wrists in
an unbreakable hold.
"What —" I started to ask, when his body became alert. I froze, but he
suddenly released my hands, and disappeared. I narrowly avoided
falling on my face.
"Lie down!" he hissed. I couldn't tell where he spoke from in the
darkness.
I rolled under my quilt, balling up on my side, the way I usually slept. I
heard the door crack open, as Charlie peeked in to make sure I was
where I was supposed to be. I breathed evenly, exaggerating the
movement.
A long minute passed. I listened, not sure if I'd heard the door close.
Then Edward's cool arm was around me, under the covers, his lips at my
ear.
"You are a terrible actress — I'd say that career path is out for you."
"Darn it," I muttered. My heart was crashing in my chest.
He hummed a melody I didn't recognize; it sounded like a lullaby.
He paused. "Should I sing you to sleep?"
"Right," I laughed. "Like I could sleep with you here!"
"You do it all the time," he reminded me.
"But I didn't know you were here," I replied icily.
"So if you don't want to sleep…" he suggested, ignoring my tone. My
breath caught.
"If I don't want to sleep… ?"
He chuckled. "What do you want to do then?"
I couldn't answer at first.
"I'm not sure," I finally said.
"Tell me when you decide."
I could feel his cool breath on my neck, feel his nose sliding along my
jaw, inhaling.
"I thought you were desensitized."
"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the
bouquet," he whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or
freesia," he noted. "It's mouthwatering."
"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I
smell."
He chuckled, and then sighed.
"I've decided what I want to do," I told him. "I want to hear more about
you."
"Ask me anything."
I sifted through my questions for the most vital. "Why do you do it?" I
said. "I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what
you… are. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I
just don't see why you would bother in the first place."
He hesitated before answering. "That's a good question, and you are not
the first one to ask it. The others — the majority of our kind who are
quite content with our lot — they, too, wonder at how we live. But you
see, just because we've been… dealt a certain hand… it doesn't mean
that we can't choose to rise above — to conquer the boundaries of a
destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential
humanity we can."
I lay unmoving, locked in awed silence.
"Did you fall asleep?" he whispered after a few minutes.
"No."
"Is that all you were curious about?"
I rolled my eyes. "Not quite."
"What else do you want to know?"
"Why can you read minds — why only you? And Alice, seeing the
future… why does that happen?"
I felt him shrug in the darkness. "We don't really know. Carlisle has a
theory… he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human
traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified — like our
minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very
sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some
precognition, wherever she was."
"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?"
"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love
passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or
you could call it pigheadedness." he chuckled. "Jasper is very
interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence
those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate
the emotions of those around him — calm down a room of angry people,
for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle
gift."
I considered the impossibilities he described, trying to take it in. He
waited patiently while I thought.
"So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then
someone must have changed him, and so on…"
"Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have
evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you
don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own,
which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the
same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby
seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?"
"Let me get this straight — I'm the baby seal, right?"
"Right." He laughed, and something touched my hair — his lips?
I wanted to turn toward him, to see if it was really his lips against my
hair. But I had to be good; I didn't want to make this any harder for him
than it already was.
"Are you ready to sleep?" he asked, interrupting the short silence. "Or
do you have any more questions?"
"Only a million or two."
"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" he reminded me.
I smiled, euphoric at the thought.
"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning?" I wanted this to be
certain. "You are mythical, after all."
"I won't leave you." His voice had the seal of a promise in it.
"One more, then, tonight…" And I blushed. The darkness was no help —
I'm sure he could feel the sudden warmth under my skin.
"What is it?"
"No, forget it. I changed my mind."
"Bella, you can ask me anything."
I didn't answer, and he groaned.
"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts.
But it just gets worse and worse."
"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you
eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."
"Please?" His voice was so persuasive, so impossible to resist.
I shook my head.
"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something much worse than it
is," he threatened darkly. "Please?" Again, that pleading voice.
"Well," I began, glad that he couldn't see my face.
"Yes?"
"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon… Is that…
marriage… the same as it is for humans?"
He laughed in earnest now, understanding. "Is that what you're getting
at?"
I fidgeted, unable to answer.
"Yes, I suppose it is much the same," he said. "I told you, most of those
human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."
"Oh," was all I could say.
"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?"
"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…"
He was instantly serious, I could tell by the sudden stillness of his body.
I froze, too, reacting automatically.
"I don't think that… that… would be possible for us."
"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that… close?"
"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's
just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every
moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you
quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." His voice had become just a soft
murmur. He moved his icy palm to rest it against my cheek. "If I was
too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could
reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake.
You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never
afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."
He waited for me to respond, growing anxious when I didn't. "Are you
scared?" he asked.
I waited for a minute to answer, so the words would be true. "No. I'm
fine."
He seemed to deliberate for a moment. "I'm curious now, though," he
said, his voice light again. "Have you ever… ?" He trailed off
suggestively.
"Of course not." I flushed. "I told you I've never felt like this about
anyone before, not even close."
"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and
lust don't always keep the same company."
"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all," I sighed.
"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least." He sounded
satisfied.
"Your human instincts…" I began. He waited. "Well, do you find me
attractive, in that way, at all?"
He laughed and lightly rumpled my nearly dry hair.
"I may not be a human, but I am a man," he assured me.
I yawned involuntarily.
"I've answered your questions, now you should sleep," he insisted.
"I'm not sure if I can."
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No!" I said too loudly.
He laughed, and then began to hum that same, unfamiliar lullaby; the
voice of an archangel, soft in my ear.
More tired than I realized, exhausted from the long day of mental and
emotional stress like I'd never felt before, I drifted to sleep in his cold
arms.

7. NIGHTMARE
I told Charlie I had a lot of homework to do, and that I didn't want
anything to eat. There was a basketball game on that he was excited
about, though of course I had no idea what was special about it, so he
wasn't aware of anything unusual in my face or tone.
Once in my room, I locked the door. I dug through my desk until I found
my old headphones, and I plugged them into my little CD player. I
picked up a CD that Phil had given to me for Christmas. It was one of
his favorite bands, but they used a little too much bass and shrieking for
my tastes. I popped it into place and lay down on my bed. I put on the
headphones, hit Play, and turned up the volume until it hurt my ears. I
closed my eyes, but the light still intruded, so I added a pillow over the
top half of my face.
I concentrated very carefully on the music, trying to understand the
lyrics, to unravel the complicated drum patterns. By the third time I'd
listened through the CD, I knew all the words to the choruses, at least. I
was surprised to find that I really did like the band after all, once I got
past the blaring noise. I'd have to thank Phil again.
And it worked. The shattering beats made it impossible for me to think
— which was the whole purpose of the exercise. I listened to the CD
again and again, until I was singing along with all the songs, until,
finally, I fell asleep.
I opened my eyes to a familiar place. Aware in some corner of my
consciousness that I was dreaming, I recognized the green light of the
forest. I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks somewhere
nearby. And I knew that if I found the ocean, I'd be able to see the sun.
I was trying to follow the sound, but then Jacob Black was there,
tugging on my hand, pulling me back toward the blackest part of the
forest.
"Jacob? What's wrong?" I asked. His face was frightened as he yanked
with all his strength against my resistance; I didn't want to go into the
dark.
"Run, Bella, you have to run!" he whispered, terrified.
"This way, Bella!" I recognized Mike's voice calling out of the gloomy
heart of the trees, but I couldn't see him.
"Why?" I asked, still pulling against Jacob's grasp, desperate now to find
the sun.
But Jacob let go of my hand and yelped, suddenly shaking, falling to the
dim forest floor. He twitched on the ground as I watched in horror.
"Jacob!" I screamed. But he was gone. In his place was a large redbrown
wolf with black eyes. The wolf faced away from me, pointing
toward the shore, the hair on the back of his shoulders bristling, low
growls issuing from between his exposed fangs.
"Bella, run!" Mike cried out again from behind me. But I didn't turn. I
was watching a light coming toward me from the beach.
And then Edward stepped out from the trees, his skin faintly glowing,
his eyes black and dangerous. He held up one hand and beckoned me to
come to him. The wolf growled at my feet.
I took a step forward, toward Edward. He smiled then, and his teeth
were sharp, pointed.
"Trust me," he purred.
I took another step.
The wolf launched himself across the space between me and the
vampire, fangs aiming for the jugular.
"No!" I screamed, wrenching upright out of my bed.
My sudden movement caused the headphones to pull the CD player off
the bedside table, and it clattered to the wooden floor.
My light was still on, and I was sitting fully dressed on the bed, with my
shoes on. I glanced, disoriented, at the clock on my dresser. It was fivethirty
in the morning.
I groaned, fell back, and rolled over onto my face, kicking off my boots.
I was too uncomfortable to get anywhere near sleep, though. I rolled
back over and unbuttoned my jeans, yanking them off awkwardly as I
tried to stay horizontal. I could feel the braid in my hair, an
uncomfortable ridge along the back of my skull. I turned onto my side
and ripped the rubber band out, quickly combing through the plaits with
my fingers. I pulled the pillow back over my eyes.
It was all no use, of course. My subconscious had dredged up exactly
the images I'd been trying so desperately to avoid. I was going to have
to face them now.
I sat up, and my head spun for a minute as the blood flowed downward.
First things first, I thought to myself, happy to put it off as long as
possible. I grabbed my bathroom bag.
The shower didn't last nearly as long as I hoped it would, though. Even
taking the time to blow-dry my hair, I was soon out of things to do in
the bathroom. Wrapped in a towel, I crossed back to my room. I
couldn't tell if Charlie was still asleep, or if he had already left. I went to
look out my window, and the cruiser was gone. Fishing again.
I dressed slowly in my most comfy sweats and then made my bed —
something I never did. I couldn't put it off any longer. I went to my desk
and switched on my old computer.
I hated using the Internet here. My modem was sadly outdated, my free
service substandard; just dialing up took so long that I decided to go get
myself a bowl of cereal while I waited.
I ate slowly, chewing each bite with care. When I was done, I washed
the bowl and spoon, dried them, and put them away. My feet dragged
as I climbed the stairs. I went to my CD player first, picking it up off the
floor and placing it precisely in the center of the table. I pulled out the
headphones, and put them away in the desk drawer. Then I turned the
same CD on, turning it down to the point where it was background
noise.
With another sigh, I turned to my computer. Naturally, the screen was
covered in pop-up ads. I sat in my hard folding chair and began closing
all the little windows. Eventually I made it to my favorite search engine.
I shot down a few more pop-ups and then typed in one word.
Vampire.
It took an infuriatingly long time, of course. When the results came up,
there was a lot to sift through — everything from movies and TV shows
to role-playing games, underground metal, and gothic cosmetic
companies.
Then I found a promising site — Vampires A—Z. I waited impatiently for
it to load, quickly clicking closed each ad that flashed across the screen.
Finally the screen was finished — simple white background with black
text, academic-looking. Two quotes greeted me on the home page:
Throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no
figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with
such fearful fascination, as the vampire, who is himself neither ghost
nor demon, but yet who partakes the dark natures and possesses the
mysterious and terrible qualities of both. — Rev. Montague Summers
If there is in this world a well-attested account, it is that of the
vampires. Nothing is lacking: official reports, affidavits of well-known
people, of surgeons, of priests, of magistrates; the judicial proof is most
complete. And with all that, who is there who believes in vampires? —
Rousseau
The rest of the site was an alphabetized listing of all the different myths
of vampires held throughout the world. The first I clicked on, the Danag,
was a Filipino vampire supposedly responsible for planting taro on the
islands long ago. The myth continued that the Danag worked with
humans for many years, but the partnership ended one day when a
woman cut her finger and a Danag sucked her wound, enjoying the
taste so much that it drained her body completely of blood.
I read carefully through the descriptions, looking for anything that
sounded familiar, let alone plausible. It seemed that most vampire
myths centered around beautiful women as demons and children as
victims; they also seemed like constructs created to explain away the
high mortality rates for young children, and to give men an excuse for
infidelity. Many of the stories involved bodiless spirits and warnings
against improper burials. There wasn't much that sounded like the
movies I'd seen, and only a very few, like the Hebrew Estrie and the
Polish Upier, who were even preoccupied with drinking blood.
Only three entries really caught my attention: the Romanian Varacolaci,
a powerful undead being who could appear as a beautiful, pale-skinned
human, the Slovak Nelapsi, a creature so strong and fast it could
massacre an entire village in the single hour after midnight, and one
other, the Stregoni benefici.
About this last there was only one brief sentence.
Stregoni benefici: An Italian vampire, said to be on the side of
goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.
It was a relief, that one small entry, the one myth among hundreds that
claimed the existence of good vampires.
Overall, though, there was little that coincided with Jacob's stories or my
own observations. I'd made a little catalogue in my mind as I'd read and
carefully compared it with each myth. Speed, strength, beauty, pale
skin, eyes that shift color; and then Jacob's criteria: blood drinkers,
enemies of the werewolf, cold-skinned, and immortal. There were very
few myths that matched even one factor.
And then another problem, one that I'd remembered from the small
number of scary movies that I'd seen and was backed up by today's
reading — vampires couldn't come out in the daytime, the sun would
burn them to a cinder. They slept in coffins all day and came out only at
night.
Aggravated, I snapped off the computer's main power switch, not
waiting to shut things down properly. Through my irritation, I felt
overwhelming embarrassment. It was all so stupid. I was sitting in my
room, researching vampires. What was wrong with me? I decided that
most of the blame belonged on the doorstep of the town of Forks — and
the entire sodden Olympic Peninsula, for that matter.
I had to get out of the house, but there was nowhere I wanted to go
that didn't involve a three-day drive. I pulled on my boots anyway,
unclear where I was headed, and went downstairs. I shrugged into my
raincoat without checking the weather and stomped out the door.
It was overcast, but not raining yet. I ignored my truck and started east
on foot, angling across Charlie's yard toward the ever-encroaching
forest. It didn't take long till I was deep enough for the house and the
road to be invisible, for the only sound to be the squish of the damp
earth under my feet and the sudden cries of the jays.
There was a thin ribbon of a trail that led through the forest here, or I
wouldn't risk wandering on my own like this. My sense of direction was
hopeless; I could get lost in much less helpful surroundings. The trail
wound deeper and deeper into the forest, mostly east as far as I could
tell. It snaked around the Sitka spruces and the hemlocks, the yews and
the maples. I only vaguely knew the names of the trees around me, and
all I knew was due to Charlie pointing them out to me from the cruiser
window in earlier days. There were many I didn't know, and others I
couldn't be sure about because they were so covered in green parasites.
I followed the trail as long as my anger at myself pushed me forward.
As that started to ebb, I slowed. A few drops of moisture trickled down
from the canopy above me, but I couldn't be certain if it was beginning
to rain or if it was simply pools left over from yesterday, held high in the
leaves above me, slowly dripping their way back to the earth. A recently
fallen tree — I knew it was recent because it wasn't entirely carpeted in
moss — rested against the trunk of one of her sisters, creating a
sheltered little bench just a few safe feet off the trail. I stepped over the
ferns and sat carefully, making sure my jacket was between the damp
seat and my clothes wherever they touched, and leaned my hooded
head back against the living tree.
This was the wrong place to have come. I should have known, but
where else was there to go? The forest was deep green and far too
much like the scene in last night's dream to allow for peace of mind.
Now that there was no longer the sound of my soggy footsteps, the
silence was piercing. The birds were quiet, too, the drops increasing in
frequency, so it must be raining above. The ferns stood higher than my
head, now that I was seated, and I knew someone could walk by on the
path, three feet away, and not see me.
Here in the trees it was much easier to believe the absurdities that
embarrassed me indoors. Nothing had changed in this forest for
thousands of years, and all the myths and legends of a hundred
different lands seemed much more likely in this green haze than they
had in my clear-cut bedroom.
I forced myself to focus on the two most vital questions I had to answer,
but I did so unwillingly.
First, I had to decide if it was possible that what Jacob had said about
the Cullens could be true.
Immediately my mind responded with a resounding negative. It was silly
and morbid to entertain such ridiculous notions. But what, then? I asked
myself. There was no rational explanation for how I was alive at this
moment. I listed again in my head the things I'd observed myself: the
impossible speed and strength, the eye color shifting from black to gold
and back again, the inhuman beauty, the pale, frigid skin. And more —
small things that registered slowly — how they never seemed to eat, the
disturbing grace with which they moved. And the way be
sometimes spoke, with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit
the style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-firstcentury
classroom. He had skipped class the day we'd done blood
typing. He hadn't said no to the beach trip till he heard where we were
going. He seemed to know what everyone around him was thinking…
except me. He had told me he was the villain, dangerous…
Could the Cullens be vampires?
Well, they were something. Something outside the possibility of rational
justification was taking place in front of my incredulous eyes. Whether it
be Jacob's cold ones or my own superhero theory, Edward Cullen was
not… human. He was something more.
So then — maybe. That would have to be my answer for now.
And then the most important question of all. What was I going to do if it
was true?
If Edward was a vampire — I could hardly make myself think the words
— then what should I do? Involving someone else was definitely out. I
couldn't even believe myself; anyone I told would have me committed.
Only two options seemed practical. The first was to take his advice: to
be smart, to avoid him as much as possible. To cancel our plans, to go
back to ignoring him as far as I was able. To pretend there was an
impenetrably thick glass wall between us in the one class where we
were forced together. To tell him to leave me alone — and mean it this
time.
I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that
alternative. My mind rejected the pain, quickly skipping on to the next
option.
I could do nothing different. After all, if he was something… sinister,
he'd done nothing to hurt me so far. In fact, I would be a dent in Tyler's
fender if he hadn't acted so quickly. So quickly, I argued with myself,
that it might have been sheer reflexes. But if it was a reflex to save
lives, how bad could he be? I retorted. My head spun around in
answerless circles.
There was one thing I was sure of, if I was sure of anything. The dark
Edward in my dream last night was a reflection only of my fear of the
word Jacob had spoken, and not Edward himself. Even so, when I'd
screamed out in terror at the werewolf's lunge, it wasn't fear for the wolf
that brought the cry of "no" to my lips. It was fear that he would be
harmed — even as he called to me with sharp-edged fangs, I feared for
him.
And I knew in that I had my answer. I didn't know if there ever was a
choice, really. I was already in too deep. Now that I knew — if I knew —
I could do nothing about my frightening secret. Because when I thought
of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his
personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now. Even
if… but I couldn't think it. Not here, alone in the darkening forest. Not
while the rain made it dim as twilight under the canopy and pattered like
footsteps across the matted earthen floor. I shivered and rose quickly
from my place of concealment, worried that somehow the path would
have disappeared with the rain.
But it was there, safe and clear, winding its way out of the dripping
green maze. I followed it hastily, my hood pulled close around my face,
becoming surprised, as I nearly ran through the trees, at how far I had
come. I started to wonder if I was heading out at all, or following the
path farther into the confines of the forest. Before I could get too
panicky, though, I began to glimpse some open spaces through the
webbed branches. And then I could hear a car passing on the street,
and I was free, Charlie's lawn stretched out in front of me, the house
beckoning me, promising warmth and dry socks.
It was just noon when I got back inside. I went upstairs and got dressed
for the day, jeans and a t-shirt, since I was staying indoors. It didn't
take too much effort to concentrate on my task for the day, a paper on
Macbeth that was due Wednesday. I settled into outlining a rough draft
contentedly, more serene than I'd felt since… well, since Thursday
afternoon, if I was being honest.
That had always been my way, though. Making decisions was the painful
part for me, the part I agonized over. But once the decision was made, I
simply followed through — usually with relief that the choice was made.
Sometimes the relief was tainted by despair, like my decision to come to
Forks. But it was still better than wrestling with the alternatives.
This decision was ridiculously easy to live with. Dangerously easy.
And so the day was quiet, productive — I finished my paper before
eight. Charlie came home with a large catch, and I made a mental note
to pick up a book of recipes for fish while I was in Seattle next week.
The chills that flashed up my spine whenever I thought of that trip were
no different than the ones I'd felt before I'd taken my walk with Jacob
Black. They should be different, I thought. I should be afraid — I knew I
should be, but I couldn't feel the right kind of fear.
I slept dreamlessly that night, exhausted from beginning my day so
early, and sleeping so poorly the night before. I woke, for the second
time since arriving in Forks, to the bright yellow light of a sunny day. I
skipped to the window, stunned to see that there was hardly a cloud in
the sky, and those there were just fleecy little white puffs that couldn't
possibly be carrying any rain. I opened the window — surprised when it
opened silently, without sticking, not having opened it in who knows
how many years — and sucked in the relatively dry air. It was nearly
warm and hardly windy at all. My blood was electric in my veins.
Charlie was finishing breakfast when I came downstairs, and he picked
up on my mood immediately.
"Nice day out," he commented.
"Yes," I agreed with a grin.
He smiled back, his brown eyes crinkling around the edges. When
Charlie smiled, it was easier to see why he and my mother had jumped
too quickly into an early marriage. Most of the young romantic he'd
been in those days had faded before I'd known him, as the curly brown
hair — the same color, if not the same texture, as mine — had dwindled,
slowly revealing more and more of the shiny skin of his forehead. But
when he smiled I could see a little of the man who had run away with
Renée when she was just two years older than I was now.
I ate breakfast cheerily, watching the dust moats stirring in the sunlight
that streamed in the back window. Charlie called out a goodbye, and I
heard the cruiser pull away from the house. I hesitated on my way out
the door, hand on my rain jacket. It would be tempting fate to leave it
home. With a sigh, I folded it over my arm and stepped out into the
brightest light I'd seen in months.
By dint of much elbow grease, I was able to get both windows in the
truck almost completely rolled down. I was one of the first ones to
school; I hadn't even checked the clock in my hurry to get outside. I
parked and headed toward the seldom-used picnic benches on the south
side of the cafeteria. The benches were still a little damp, so I sat on my
jacket, glad to have a use for it. My homework was done — the product
of a slow social life — but there were a few Trig problems I wasn't sure I
had right. I took out my book industriously, but halfway through
rechecking the first problem I was daydreaming, watching the sunlight
play on the red-barked trees. I sketched inattentively along the margins
of my homework. After a few minutes, I suddenly realized I'd drawn five
pairs of dark eyes staring out of the page at me. I scrubbed them out
with the eraser.
"Bella!" I heard someone call, and it sounded like Mike.
I looked around to realize that the school had become populated while
I'd been sitting there, absentminded. Everyone was in t-shirts, some
even in shorts though the temperature couldn't be over sixty. Mike was
coming toward me in khaki shorts and a striped Rugby shirt, waving.
"Hey, Mike," I called, waving back, unable to be halfhearted on a
morning like this.
He came to sit by me, the tidy spikes of his hair shining golden in the
light, his grin stretching across his face. He was so delighted to see me,
I couldn't help but feel gratified.
"I never noticed before — your hair has red in it," he commented,
catching between his fingers a strand that was fluttering in the light
breeze.
"Only in the sun."
I became just a little uncomfortable as he tucked the lock behind my
ear.
"Great day, isn't it?"
"My kind of day," I agreed.
"What did you do yesterday?" His tone was just a bit too proprietary.
"I mostly worked on my essay." I didn't add that I was finished with it —
no need to sound smug.
He hit his forehead with the heel of his hand. "Oh yeah — that's due
Thursday, right?"
"Um, Wednesday, I think."
"Wednesday?" He frowned. "That's not good… What are you writing
yours on?"
"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is
misogynistic."
He stared at me like I'd just spoken in pig Latin.
"I guess I'll have to get to work on that tonight," he said, deflated. "I
was going to ask if you wanted to go out."
"Oh." I was taken off guard. Why couldn't I ever have a pleasant
conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward?
"Well, we could go to dinner or something… and I could work on it
later." He smiled at me hopefully.
"Mike…" I hated being put on the spot. "I don't think that would be the
best idea."
His face fell. "Why?" he asked, his eyes guarded. My thoughts flickered
to Edward, wondering if that's where his thoughts were as well.
"I think… and if you ever repeat what I'm saying right now I will
cheerfully beat you to death," I threatened, "but I think that would hurt
Jessica's feelings."
He was bewildered, obviously not thinking in that direction at all.
"Jessica?"
"Really, Mike, are you blind?"
"Oh," he exhaled — clearly dazed. I took advantage of that to make my
escape.
"It's time for class, and I can't be late again." I gathered my books up
and stuffed them in my bag.
We walked in silence to building three, and his expression was
distracted. I hoped whatever thoughts he was immersed in were leading
him in the right direction.
When I saw Jessica in Trig, she was bubbling with enthusiasm. She,
Angela, and Lauren were going to Port Angeles tonight to go dress
shopping for the dance, and she wanted me to come, too, even though I
didn't need one. I was indecisive. It would be nice to get out of town
with some girlfriends, but Lauren would be there. And who knew what I
could be doing tonight… But that was definitely the wrong path to let my
mind wander down. Of course I was happy about the sunlight. But that
wasn't completely responsible for the euphoric mood I was in, not even
close.
So I gave her a maybe, telling her I'd have to talk with Charlie first.
She talked of nothing but the dance on the way to Spanish, continuing
as if without an interruption when class finally ended, five minutes late,
and we were on our way to lunch. I was far too lost in my own frenzy of
anticipation to notice much of what she said. I was painfully eager to
see not just him but all the Cullens — to compare them with the new
suspicions that plagued my mind. As I crossed the threshold of the
cafeteria, I felt the first true tingle of fear slither down my spine and
settle in my stomach. Would they be able to know what I was thinking?
And then a different feeling jolted through me — would Edward be
waiting to sit with me again?
As was my routine, I glanced first toward the Cullens' table. A shiver of
panic trembled in my stomach as I realized it was empty. With dwindling
hope, my eyes scoured the rest of the cafeteria, hoping to find him
alone, waiting for me. The place was nearly filled — Spanish had made
us late — but there was no sign of Edward or any of his family.
Desolation hit me with crippling strength.
I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen
anymore.
We were late enough that everyone was already at our table. I avoided
the empty chair next to Mike in favor of one by Angela. I vaguely
noticed that Mike held the chair out politely for Jessica, and that her
face lit up in response.
Angela asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I
answered as naturally as I could while spiraling downward in misery.
She, too, invited me to go with them tonight, and I agreed now,
grasping at anything to distract myself.
I realized I'd been holding on to a last shred of hope when I entered
Biology, saw his empty seat, and felt a new wave of disappointment.
The rest of the day passed slowly, dismally. In Gym, we had a lecture
on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me.
But at least it meant I got to sit and listen instead of stumbling around
on the court. The best part was the coach didn't finish, so I got another
day off tomorrow. Never mind that the day after they would arm me
with a racket before unleashing me on the rest of the class.
I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before
I went out tonight with Jessica and company. But right after I walked in
the door of Charlie's house, Jessica called to cancel our plans. I tried to
be happy that Mike had asked her out to dinner — I really was relieved
that he finally seemed to be catching on — but my enthusiasm sounded
false in my own ears. She rescheduled our shopping trip for tomorrow
night.
Which left me with little in the way of distractions. I had fish marinating
for dinner, with a salad and bread left over from the night before, so
there was nothing to do there. I spent a focused half hour on
homework, but then I was through with that, too. I checked my e-mail,
reading the backlog of letters from my mother, getting snippier as they
progressed to the present. I sighed and typed a quick response.
Mom,
Sorry. I've been out. I went to the beach with some friends. And I had
to write a paper.
My excuses were fairly pathetic, so I gave up on that.
It's sunny outside today - I know, I'm shocked, too - so I'm going to go
outside and soak up as much vitamin D as I can. I love you,
Bella.
I decided to kill an hour with non-school-related reading. I had a small
collection of books that came with me to Forks, the shabbiest volume
being a compilation of the works of Jane Austen. I selected that one and
headed to the backyard, grabbing a ragged old quilt from the linen
cupboard at the top of the stairs on my way down.
Outside in Charlie's small, square yard, I folded the quilt in half and laid
it out of the reach of the trees' shadows on the thick lawn that would
always be slightly wet, no matter how long the sun shone. I lay on my
stomach, crossing my ankles in the air, flipping through the different
novels in the book, trying to decide which would occupy my mind the
most thoroughly. My favorites were Pride and Prejudice and Sense and
Sensibility. I'd read the first most recently, so I started into Sense and
Sensibility, only to remember after I began three that the hero of the
story happened to be named Edward. Angrily, I turned to Mansfield
Park, but the hero of that piece was named Edmund, and that was just
too close. Weren't there any other names available in the late
eighteenth century? I snapped the book shut, annoyed, and rolled over
onto my back. I pushed my sleeves up as high as they would go, and
closed my eyes. I would think of nothing but the warmth on my skin, I
told myself severely. The breeze was still light, but it blew tendrils of my
hair around my face, and that tickled a bit. I pulled all my hair over my
head, letting it fan out on the quilt above me, and focused again on the
heat that touched my eyelids, my cheekbones, my nose, my lips, my
forearms, my neck, soaked through my light shirt…
The next thing I was conscious of was the sound of Charlie's cruiser
turning onto the bricks of the driveway. I sat up in surprise, realizing the
light was gone, behind the trees, and I had fallen asleep. I looked
around, muddled, with the sudden feeling that I wasn't alone.
"Charlie?" I asked. But I could hear his door slamming in front of the
house.
I jumped up, foolishly edgy, gathering the now-damp quilt and my book.
I ran inside to get some oil heating on the stove, realizing that dinner
would be late. Charlie was hanging up his gun belt and stepping out of
his boots when I came in.
"Sorry, Dad, dinner's not ready yet — I fell asleep outside." I stifled a
yawn.
"Don't worry about it," he said. "I wanted to catch the score on the
game, anyway."
I watched TV with Charlie after dinner, for something to do. There
wasn't anything on I wanted to watch, but he knew I didn't like baseball,
so he turned it to some mindless sitcom that neither of us enjoyed. He
seemed happy, though, to be doing something together. And it felt
good, despite my depression, to make him happy.
"Dad," I said during a commercial, "Jessica and Angela are going to look
at dresses for the dance tomorrow night in Port Angeles, and they
wanted me to help them choose… do you mind if I go with them?"
"Jessica Stanley?" he asked.
"And Angela Weber." I sighed as I gave him the details.
He was confused. "But you're not going to the dance, right?"
"No, Dad, but I'm helping them find dresses — you know, giving them
constructive criticism." I wouldn't have to explain this to a woman.
"Well, okay." He seemed to realize that he was out of his depth with the
girlie stuff. "It's a school night, though."
"We'll leave right after school, so we can get back early. You'll be okay
for dinner, right?"
"Bells, I fed myself for seventeen years before you got here," he
reminded me.
"I don't know how you survived," I muttered, then added more clearly,
"I'll leave some things for cold-cut sandwiches in the fridge, okay? Right
on top."
It was sunny again in the morning. I awakened with renewed hope that
I grimly tried to suppress. I dressed for the warmer weather in a deep
blue V-neck blouse — something I'd worn in the dead of winter in
Phoenix.
I had planned my arrival at school so that I barely had time to make it
to class. With a sinking heart, I circled the full lot looking for a space,
while also searching for the silver Volvo that was clearly not there. I
parked in the last row and hurried to English, arriving breathless, but
subdued, before the final bell.
It was the same as yesterday — I just couldn't keep little sprouts of
hope from budding in my mind, only to have them squashed painfully as
I searched the lunchroom in vain and sat at my empty Biology table.
The Port Angeles scheme was back on again for tonight and made all the
more attractive by the fact that Lauren had other obligations. I was
anxious to get out of town so I could stop glancing over my shoulder,
hoping to see him appearing out of the blue the way he always did. I
vowed to myself that I would be in a good mood tonight and not ruin
Angela's or Jessica's enjoyment in the dress hunting. Maybe I could do a
little clothes shopping as well. I refused to think that I might be
shopping alone in Seattle this weekend, no longer interested in the
earlier arrangement. Surely he wouldn't cancel without at least telling
me.
After school, Jessica followed me home in her old white Mercury so that
I could ditch my books and truck. I brushed through my hair quickly
when I was inside, feeling a slight lift of excitement as I contemplated
getting out of Forks. I left a note for Charlie on the table, explaining
again where to find dinner, switched my scruffy wallet from my school
bag to a purse I rarely used, and ran out to join Jessica. We went to
Angela's house next, and she was waiting for us. My excitement
increased exponentially as we actually drove out of the town limits.

enjoy? errr
 
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I swear I saw word...wait what...Damn, forgot it...

I don't mind Sub as admin if he give me NNK.
 
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You know, there was absolutely no need to quote that.

Yeah, I'll vote for this *******. We spent many hours on Steam plotting against the Dev team and now I'm happy to see Pain has been twisted and seduced towards our will...

Launch operation "forum storm"... NAoo!
 
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The next person who quotes one or more of the huge posts above or decides that it's their lucky day to post a new wall of text is getting banned for a randomly-determined length of time.

I'm not even joking.
 

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I'm so tempted to quote myself.

---------- Double Post below was added at 11:03 AM has been merged with this post created at 10:57 AM ----------

I'm going to guess you didn't read Maj's last post.
 
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I just quoted Sub's rendition of "A Tale of Two Cities", and failed to read Maj's threat... and failed to see where numerous other people did the same thing I did. Needless to say, after feeling accomplished that I just did what I thought was unique, I sat there... admiring my doings, and realized maj posted something shortly above my eyesore I call a post. It read:

The next person who quotes one or more of the huge posts above or decides that it's their lucky day to post a new wall of text is getting banned for a randomly-determined length of time.

I'm not even joking.
Laughing for a few seconds, I realized that I... Killface... was the next person to commit said "crime". AND he said he was NOT joking. Naturally... I was in a panic, I tried to pull the plug, and deleted my previous post.



Just thought I'd share that little experience with you guys. Oh, and I nominate myself, and Deman.
...for the 2012 office.

Vote for killface. Thank you.


Oh, and uh.. Sub.. i vote for him for forum president.. or Zeonix's temporary replacement.... or whatever you guys are talking about. Yeah.
 
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I started reading the first post and then realised my attention span was measured in minutes rather than days.

Sub would only get my vote if he caused such a class divide between user groups that it'd make communism seem fair. Of course, Killface and Deman already have my vote for their presidency campaign.
 
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I started reading the first post and then realised my attention span was measured in minutes rather than days.

Sub would only get my vote if he caused such a class divide between user groups that it'd make communism seem fair. Of course, Killface and Deman already have my vote for their presidency campaign.
And we thank you, good sir.
 
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The next person who quotes one or more of the huge posts above or decides that it's their lucky day to post a new wall of text is getting banned for a randomly-determined length of time.

I'm not even joking.
Well, at least I've made my contribution of Twilight (brain) massacre to this forums before Maj came up with this. Now I can die peacefully.

BTW, can anyone, please, explain me how this thread's title to have Sub as admin became a random thread of people posting random walls of text?
 

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