Rules of Life

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Found this on another forum and thought i'd share them
Rules to be strictly followed:

1: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and beaten by his buddies.

2: It is okay for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 52 minutes, 37 seconds into the movie "King Kong". e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc...) For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stop-watch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken gorilla sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you NOT to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange, or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating. Ever.
********************

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "Okay, you're next!"
 
Lost in space
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Some stuff was funny, yet sexist. GJ
 
Lost in space
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All the rules relating to females made me laugh, number 12 also made me laugh.
 
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Best ones were 8, 12, 13, 21, and 27.
 

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13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stop-watch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

^^ the two best ones in my opinion...

fighting naked? Not even if a theif broke in ur house while you're in a shower... the theif could beat you with his belt if he wanted to if your naked. ^_^

Phone covos will be short and fast from now on. Unless you take it slow... even then most guys will end up hanging up within a minute or two.
 

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23 was the best
 
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LOL @ number 2 ^^
 

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