Kingusari - A Bleach Fanfic.

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This fanfic takes place in Soul Society. Also, if I get good crits and good comments, I may continue this. Theres a big story going on in this one.
Kingusari stands for Golden Chain. If you dont really get it, before Ishida got the glove, he was using a silver chain with a cross on it. << Fake-Spoiler About Quincy There.

Prologue

Daichi woke up. The sun glared against his blue eyes through the window, and he shielded them with his hands. He only needed to shield the lower-half of his eyes, however, as his brown hair was long enough to cover the top half. The bed was unusually soft, and he decided to stay down for a little longer.

Time passed, and the door to his room was soon smashed in. A tall figure walked in, his hand casually resting on the hilt of his sword. Daichi could not, or would not, see the face of the man. His silhouette held that of a Shinigami, the black clothes with a white trim, the sandals that clinked against rock, but his soul held a dark taint to it. In his mind, the bed suddenly switched to face the door, head on. The room darkened, the only light coming from the open door.

Daichi watched the man walk to him, taking confident, slow strides and he remembered nothing else, alas one thing.

‘Lead the Dark Hilt, young first born.’


Chapter One

A hundred years later…

Kiyoshi woke up. The sun glared in his eyes through the window, but he didn’t care. He felt no pain. He never did, after the incident. He sat up straight, looking at his door. He knew it would be smashed in soon. He knew how to fight back.

No later than half a minute, his door was smashed in. A tall figure walked in, hand resting on the hilt of his zanpaku-to. He drew the sword. The room darkened.

No, this is not how it is meant to be, Kiyoshi’s brown eyes widened. Was his vision false? Was he going to be killed?

He bounced up from his bed and sprang from the side-wall into the Shinigami, kicking him in the face. The Shinigami fell over into the light, his face revealed. Kiyoshi did not recognize it, did not care for it. He smashed his foot down into it…

To hit bare dirt. The town was awake and watching, and the Shinigami was nowhere to be seen. He spat on the ground, and went to collect what was remaining of his door.

The town that Kiyoshi lives in is small, and like most Soul Society towns, it consisted of mainly generic Japanese houses, with a few large houses here and there. They contained the management crew of the <st1 ="">:S<st1:address w:st="on">Village Circle.</st1:address></st1> The <st1 ="">:S<st1:address w:st="on">Village Circle</st1:address></st1>:S consisted of five men and six women, who ran the town. With the large commotion Kiyoshi and the mystery man caused, the whole town had gathered in a circle around Kiyoshi’s home, which was close to a river dividing his town in half.

An onlooker offered to help, but Kiyoshi smiled and said he didn’t need any. The man grinned in reply, and he had a cracked tooth. He pointed to Kiyoshi’s foot, where paper was stuck to it.

Kiyoshi bent down, took it off, and read it. The script was fairly neat, and he laughed at how much time it took the person to write this.

‘Mortal, approach the gate to your city. We are unarmed,’

This was quite a puzzle for Kiyoshi, and he ran a hand through his brown hair, that glinted orange in the sun. It hung just below his eyebrows, and the back lower-half was neatly tied in a ponytail. He stood out because of it, and most humans thought he was naturally orange-haired.

Frowning, Kiyoshi went inside his house, and grabbed a scabbard from the bed. It was a fine blade, which was given to him by an old sensei of the town. However, with generations of use, the blade has gotten tired of people killing messily and rusted. Years of magic has repaired only the arrogance.

He also fetched his Shinigami clothing from underneath his bed. He received this during his last swordmaster session. The sensei, who wasn’t a Shinigami, gave it to Kiyoshi, saying: ‘I killed an over-confident man in the woods. I have washed these daily, and they are too big for me. Perhaps you will fit them better,’ But to his own amazement, instead of being black with a white trim, it was now the opposite. He put it on, as well as his cloth belt with a sword-slot, and set off for the gate.

‘It will be a long walk…’ Kiyoshi muttered. The crowd dispersed at the sight of Kiyoshi. ‘The gate may be five hours away. It has been a long time since I have been there,’

‘BANZAI!!’ A small human tackled Kiyoshi to the ground, piling on top of him and grinned.

‘Now you won’t be leaving without me, will you?’ Kiyoshi looked at the boy’s face and sighed. It was round, happy and energetic. The young boy had black hair, and a flat nose. His mouth was unusually large, and his eyes were too.

‘Akio, now is not the time, I got to leave this city, yo.’

‘Why?’ Akio’s face lit up at an opportunity.

‘Not telling.’

‘Why?’

‘Because the road might be dangerous.’

‘Why?’

‘Bandits have taken refuge in the roads,’

‘Why?’

‘To hell if I know! All I know is that I need to leave.’

‘Why?’

Kiyoshi kicked Akio off him and threw him in the nearby river. Before the splash, there was a loud, ‘WEEEEEE!!!!’

‘Better run now,’ Kiyoshi surveyed the scene and sprinted the right way to the gate, pausing every few minutes to check if Akio was following him. He smiled as he saw no sign of Akio… or any humans to be exact. The street was empty, and he felt no evil.

‘Strange…’ He surveyed the area around him, and felt a blade close to his neck.

‘Come with me, or the young man dies,’

Akio was brought in front of him, with two men pointing spirit arrows at him.

‘<st1:city w:st="on"><st1 ="">:pQuincy</st1>:p...</st1:city>’ Kiyoshi closed his eyes, and he was knocked out.
 
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A compliment from the Cold Steel himself. I am honoured, and shall write more.

Chapter 2

The room was dark, the only light was from an open door. A man was sitting in a throne, and seemed asleep. His eyes were red, and although they were not open, you could see the hue from the eyelids. A messenger ran in through the door to the man.

‘Master, the Pure One has not arrived yet. May I give the orders for the scouts do scout?’

The small man bowed, and kneeled.

‘No. I shall send one of my own recruits,’ A dark hand raised, and was clenched into a fist. A hole opened in front of the hand, a hole that was pure black. A man stepped out of the hole, and jumped to the ground.
‘You called?’ The figure looked up and smirked. It would be enough to make a man’s bones break.

‘Nanashi, I grow tired of your sarcasm. Go to the city of Moriko, and find a man with black hair.’

‘Master, every man, woman, child and dog has black hair in both places.’

‘But this man’s hair changes hue to brown. And you will remember your place,'

‘As you wish,’ Nanashi turned and waved to the small messenger, who frightfully hid behind a pillar.

‘Nanashi, Akio shall be with him. Enlist his help, for he has befriended the man,’

‘I will, if I don’t kill him first.’ Nanashi disappeared out of the door, and the shadow in the throne leant back.

-----

Kiyoshi gazed at the roof. Was there a roof? He didn’t know, the blackness of the room amazed even him. His hands and legs were tied, and it seemed he was sitting on a stool.

Suddenly the room was brightened, and a Quincy with a sword walked in, his waist-length hair let out

‘You are Kiyoshi, correct?’ His voice was dark and mean.

‘Is there a roof in this - ’ Kiyoshi felt the same blade against his neck.
‘I shall do the talking, young man,’ the Quincy whispered in his ear. ‘Or do you want to die early?’ The Quincy muttered something Kiyoshi couldn’t hear, and his lips were sealed
.
‘Now, you may not realize it, but I just saved your hide. If you had passed through that gate, you would have been ambushed by several Shinigami,
‘On top of that, if they had taken you away, they would have taken over your soul. These are Shinigami that have realized that their powers are forbidden throughout Soul Society. They call themselves the Dark Hilt, for they side with many Hollows,

‘If they had taken your soul, you would become one of them. But, you would still have your mind intact, and you would see the corruption that you could possibly cause. This is called Senkai. It drives a man insane to watch their beloved fall, and they totally submit themselves to the Dark Hilt,

Kiyoshi’s mouth was unsealed. The Quincy expected an outrage, but received silence.

‘What is their weakness?’ Kiyoshi’s eyes were hidden, and he held back tears.

‘You cannot expect to - ’

‘WHAT IS THEIR WEAKNESS!?’ Kiyoshi was enraged, and fought against the string tying him.

‘I see now.’ The Quincy handed Kiyoshi his sword. ‘Spend three months with me, and you shall have your revenge,’

Kiyoshi looked up, his eyes were red from tears, but had a golden hue. His arms and legs were released, and he stood up, pushing the chair back.

‘What shall you teach me in that amount of time?’ His voice shook with rage, but he held it in.

‘Keidai, a combination of Quincy and Shinigami techniques,’

Kiyoshi’s eyes widened. Was he lying? He saw no smile, only harshness in the Quincy’s eyes.

The Quincy smiled and clicked his fingers. A door appeared and he stepped through, saying: ‘Follow me,’

The hand of the man closed, and he smiled wickedly.

----

‘So it has come to that? But even Keidai shall not stop the Dark Hilt. But I must resort to un-even measures,’ A black butterfly fell on the man’s hand. It spoke:

‘Lord Daichi?’

‘Tell the Tejina Squad that I need them to control some Shinigami. The reasons they shall know,’

‘Yes, my lord,’ The butterfly flew off, and Daichi leant back, whispering to himself.

‘I shall have you by my side, Kiyoshi,’
 
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Half of Chapter 3. Will update when I get the time.

UPDATED =D

Chapter 3 - Keidai

Kiyoshi grinned, as the flying katana blade hit the rock dead on. The rock exploded into chunks of itself, and soon disintegrated. He was surrounded by the same rocks, Daisuke took him to a desert plain. The air was unusually light, the atmosphere clear.

‘Not bad,’ The Quincy, who is now known as Daisuke, frowned. ‘But you aren’t meant to make the rock explode,’

Kiyoshi turned and said, ‘Doesn’t matter, as long as I destroy, right?’

‘It does matter if you think about it,’

‘I don’t like thinking,’

Daisuke shook his head and laughed.

‘Fighting requires plans, which require thinking,’

‘Bah! You just made me think!’ Kiyoshi moved to Daisuke.

‘My speciality is Person-Annoyance,’

‘My speciality is Person-Kicking,’ Kiyoshi raised his foot. Suddenly, something zapped his head. He couldn't believe he forgot about Akio for the past two hours.

‘Oh DAMN! Where’s Akio?’ Kiyoshi grabbed Daisuke. ‘What did you do with him?

‘Akio? The young Dark Hilt man?’

‘He isn’t in the Dark Hilt! You said they had to be Shinigami!’ Kiyoshi pulled Daisuke closer to him.

‘Kiyoshi, release me,’ Kiyoshi’s grip fell, and Daisuke dropped.

‘Do not worry. He is in a prison,’ Daisuke got up and brushed the dirt off his clothing.

Kiyoshi moved to Daisuke and grabbed him again.

‘Bull****. You’ve killed him,’

Daisuke looked down and smiled.

‘Good, Shinigami. That is true. We have killed him, for Dark Hilt can convert other people to their… religion,’ Daisuke looked at Kiyoshi. ‘Now release me,’

Kiyoshi drew his zanpaku-to, dropped Daisuke and pointed it at him.

‘His spirit is still alive. Now, put away that sword!’ Daisuke’s eyebrows furrowed.

‘No.’ Suddenly, Kiyoshi’s blade was met with Daisuke’s.

‘Then I shall have to injure you until you see reasoning,’ Daisuke pressed his foot down onto the sand, and sped towards Kiyoshi. Kiyoshi parried, and spun, ready to attack. Daisuke flashed behind him, but Kiyoshi just blocked his attack. He jumped up and kicked Daisuke’s sword, bringing his own into Daisuke. They both jumped back. Kiyoshi straightened, as he saw Daisuke rip off his torn clothing.

‘Not bad. But you need more depth in your attacks,’ He showed Kiyoshi his chest, which was unscathed.

‘I’ll show you depth, speed and strength,’ Kiyoshi shook. ‘I’ll show you honor, vengeance and - ’

‘Banzai! Now let us fight,’ Daisuke ran towards Kiyoshi, who raised his sword.

‘Forbid, Ken-Shinku,’ His blade glowed a crimson color, and lengthened. What was waist high was now shoulder high.

‘I’ll let you find out my blades powers by yourself!’ Kiyoshi pointed it at Daisuke, who burst forward and raised his sword, ready to attack.

‘Shi-Rudo,’ A red shield formed on Kiyoshi’s back. He took it in his off-hand, and blocked Daisuke’s attack.

Daisuke’s eyes opened, and he leapt back, as Kiyoshi charged. Kiyoshi raised his sword, and pushed Daisuke back with the shield. It caught him unaware, and as he flew back, Kiyoshi brought his sword down. It released a Kidou ball, which flew at an amazing speed towards Daisuke. Daisuke only managed to block the ball, but he still flew back into a nearby rock. Kiyoshi un-summoned the shield and said.

‘You are the first man I shall kill,'
Daisuke jumped from the rock. He stood on the dirt, smiling. A flying katana came to him, and he dodged it. He spoke,

‘Your one power, my one will, make tears fall, make blood flow, allow pain. Kidou No. 69! Ketsueki!’

A vein popped in Kiyoshi’s leg. He stumbled, and fell to the ground on one knee. He looked at the injury, but there was none. He looked back at Daisuke. Smiling.

Standing, he pointed his sword once again at Daisuke. But instead of releasing the shield, he put it in his sheath, allowing the sword to turn back to normal, from Shikai. He stretched his legs.

‘I give up. I know that Ketsueki can be used over and over again. You win this one,’

But he saw Daisuke on the ground. Not moving.

Kiyoshi ran towards Daisuke, and kicked him.

‘Wake up!’ Daisuke opened his eyes and smiled.

‘Then kill me,’ Kiyoshi held out his hand.

‘Get up now. Or I might really have to kill you,’

Daisuke flash stepped behind Kiyoshi.

‘No need. You can’t kill anyone, Shinigami,’ The voice now had a darker tone, and when Kiyoshi turned, he saw that Daisuke’s face had a black glow to it.

Leaping back, he drew his zanpaku-to.

‘You dare point that at me?’ Daisuke flashed towards Kiyoshi, and brought his palm into his face. Kiyoshi dropped to the ground, paralysed.

‘I shall now release my comrade, Akio, and you shall die by his hand.’ He disappeared and Kiyoshi moaned.

‘****, what is he? He has completely paralysed my body,’ Veins popped out of Kiyoshi’s head, as he fought this strange Kidou.

‘It’s no use,’ He sighed, and tried to close his eyes, but he couldn’t.

‘It seems that only my mouth is allowed to move. I could use my own words against Akio, but the chances of that working is nil,’

His vision went white.
 
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Banzai! A comment!

Thanks, you have given me motivation. Will get to chapter four, but WoW > life atm.
 
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If you want my advice, and this is something I see with most fanfics:

Describe your characters, cause I can't really picture a single one of them. Height, girth, stature, facial mannerisms and features, colors of hair, skin, etc. etc. Make them alive, even if they're basically anime characters. You might do the same with environmental descriptions as well.



IMO, there are fanfic writers, and there are great fanfic writers. The average fanfic writer is just some person living out a daydream, using their imagination to play with toys somebody else invented in a universe somebody else created. It's not terribly skilled or original, and only mildly entertaining.

A great fanfic writer does the same thing (unavoidably), but creates real depth, and allows the reader to see that dream just as clearly (or as close to it as possible) as they do. They attach the reader to the characters. Basically... they're real writers, and probably shouldn't be doing fanfics for much longer. In any case, to advance to that level, one has to work on all of those areas. Action scenes with mild plot can only get one so far.

It's entertaining though. Keep it up.
 
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Thanks. I'll try, instead of writing Chapter 4, to rewrite Chapters 1-3.

Chapter 1 Status: Rewritten.

Chapter 2 Status: Rewritten. However, thanks to Kurt, I cannot edit it, due to a problem with my 'signature'.

Chapter 3 Status: 0% Complete.

Chapter 4 Status: 0% Complete.
 
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While there is room for some changes in awkward phrasing here and there, this (the Ch. 1 revision) is definitely a big improvement. Well done. :yes:
 

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