Abomination: The Fallout (A Story by Amnestometh)

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EDIT: Ok, seeing as how nobody has posted with any opinions, I'm not going to bother posting Chapter 2, which I just finished today.

Abomination: The Fallout
Chapter 1: The Man

As the Man screamed, and begged for mercy, the Attacker cackled at his own mortal satisfaction. The Man begged for his life, and still the Attacker laughed as hard as he could. The Man cried "No! Please, no!" The Attacker ceased for a moment, and stared down at the Man on his knees. "How shall I start your next life?". The Man began to cry, and then began to shake. He looked around at the blood stained walls and the torn and burnt carpet. The ceiling was leaking, it was raining outside, and the room was so small that the Man could hear the Attacker's fast breathing, and it seemed to echo across the room and down the hallway. The Attacker, seeming eager to finish what he started, took out his knife and raised it above his head, as if to give one final strike.

At that moment, the ceiling collapsed, and a rope came down. The Man could see a helicopter above him, and many men fastlining down the ropes, dressed in full tactical gear, with assault rifles and body armor, and strange masks that covered their entire heads. The Man was suddenly even more afraid, for a man dropped down who didn't look like all of the rest. He was dressed in a long black coat, that dropped down to his feet, and wore a shade of pitch black sunglasses. The Man in Black seemed to be smiling as he looked down upon the Man. "Are you alright?", said the Man in Black. "I... I think so, I feel strange.". The Man in Black called to one of the other men who dropped in from the ceiling. "Have him checked out, he may be infected", said the Man in Black. "Roger that, sir. I'll take him to the ambulance outside, they should be able to contain him better there."
 
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is this like a Resident Evil fanfic?
not a bad start...
 
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This is kinda old, but whatever, someone already posted, so i'll post too.

The biggest thing that jumps out at me, is that you use the words "The Man," and "The Attacker" way too much. Try to think up some synonyms and use different words, the constant repetition gets annoying real quick. Also, when the men start coming from the roof, "the attacker," just kinda disappears. At least give a sentance or two explaining his reaction or something so we know he's still there.

It wasn't bad otherwise, pretty descriptive, albeit a bit short. And hey, it took two months but you've got some replies, you should throw up your second part too.
 
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Hash said:
This is kinda old, but whatever, someone already posted, so i'll post too.

The biggest thing that jumps out at me, is that you use the words "The Man," and "The Attacker" way too much. Try to think up some synonyms and use different words, the constant repetition gets annoying real quick. Also, when the men start coming from the roof, "the attacker," just kinda disappears. At least give a sentance or two explaining his reaction or something so we know he's still there.

It wasn't bad otherwise, pretty descriptive, albeit a bit short. And hey, it took two months but you've got some replies, you should throw up your second part too.
Well, thanks for comments, I will re-write Chapter 2 (Deleted after nobody posted in forever). And I use the words "The Man" and "The Attacker" to give a name of some sort to them, until later on in the story when clues are revealed and the story develops more.

And so you all know, this is NOT a fan fic of any type. I guess it does kind of sound like Resident Evil. But it isn't. This is just a story that I want to write for the fun of it, to entertain myself as well as all of you.

And another thing, you're expected to guess what happened to The Attacker. I mean, the roof fell on him. Use your head.

And yet another thing. I wanted to wait for more comments before I started some hardcore writing. It would have sucked if I had come out with something as big as LoTR and gotten 1 comment for it.
 
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I think what Hash means is that you need to use more pronouns and/or synonyms instead of repeating "The Man" and "The Attacker" over and over. It kinda reminds me of the Bible. You could also develop the action in a way that the names don't need to be repeated constantly.
 

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