A toaster to rule them all

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Greetings and salutations ESF forum. I come to you today to ask for your wisdom and guidance.

But before you can help me, I wish to tell you my story. You see, one year ago, my family suffered a great loss - Our beloved toaster had broke! It was a very good toaster, it got the job done in a timely manner, never caused trouble by starting fires, and was easy to work with. Oh, how I loved that brave little toaster.

I begged, pleaded with my family to find a proper replacement in a timely fashion. You see, I'm very fond of toasting and if at all possible would like not go without a properly toasted meal. I'm sure you can all understand. After two weeks of begging, my family and I finally took that fateful trip to the toaster store. There were so many toasters to choose from! Most of them looked quite adequate for the job, but I wanted to find the best toaster they had! I wanted to, I had to find a proper replacement to the wonderful toaster that had it's life cut short. After quite a search, I had found one! I had found the perfect toaster! Alas, my mother did not like the way it looked and opted to go with a toaster that had aesthetics over a toaster that had functionality. Oh, how disappointed I was.

The new toaster had started two fires in its year long lifetime, which is unacceptable! The previous toaster had a perfect safety record! The new toaster also did not evenly cook meals, nor did it heat up as quickly as my beloved previous toaster. To make matters worse, the new toaster was also not user friendly. Oh, how I hated that toaster. It had tormented me for one year - One year of long of fires, one long year of toast not toasting as fast as it could be toasted, one long year of meals being cooked without care.

Then, it happened, or at least at the time, I thought it had. The toaster had broke! I woke up to find a broken toaster inside of my kitchen! A broken toaster, a broken toaster! I could finally convince my family to aquire a new toaster, and after a year of my daily complaining, perhaps they would finally allow me to pick the new toaster! But alas, it was a fluke. My father came home later that day and fixed the toaster. Fate had decided to torment me. That event happened one week ago.

Now it happened! Again, I woke up to find a broken toaster inside my kitchen. Apparently, the Easter Bunny had hidden one of his plastic eggs which he loves to hide inside the toaster. A clever hiding spot to say the least. My father, unaware of the Easter Bunny's shenanigans, had put his English Muffin inside of the toaster and cooked unknowingly - The end result being a broken toaster! It was by far the best present the Easter Bunny has even given me. He shall be thanked in kind next year.

In any case, this brings me to my current conundrum. I wish to quickly acquire a new toaster so that I may once again begin toasting in a toaster fit for a king! What toaster to choose however, what toaster to choose. There are so many choices, so I turn to you, ESF forum. Lend me your vast knowledge, help me choose a toaster that will satisfy my needs. I beg of you.
 
The Duke of Juke
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I suggest you check the trash compactor in your local junk yard. See if anything is stuck in its gears.
 
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please

all you need is a hamster, a wheel, 2 pieces of cloth, about 10 meters of copper wire, and aluminum foil

why the hell would you go out and buy a toaster?
 
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Open your case, install an Athlon XP, turn off all system fans. Enough said.
 

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I appreciate everyones response, but this is a most serious matter. Although I shall look into the cloth thing DaRk.
 
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For the last couple of years I've had to make do with a toaster that can only do 2 at a time! D: The people who make toasters with a capacity of 2 are obviously sick and twisted people who feed off of the suffering of people with insufficient amounts of toast. ;_;





Although to be honest, the toaster is nice and shiney. :3
 

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For the last couple of years I've had to make do with a toaster that can only do 2 at a time! D: The people who make toasters with a capacity of 2 are obviously sick and twisted people who feed off of the suffering of people with insufficient amounts of toast. ;_;





Although to be honest, the toaster is nice and shiney. :3
*gasp* That's horrible. I can't believe that there are people who live in such uncivilized conditions!
 
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no, i refuse to believe that this happens in the world.

toasters WILL and ALWAYS have the 8 piece ultra-set.

2 PIECE TOASTERS DO NOT EXIST!!!!!!!!
 

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