Trying too hard (To socialize)

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OK that is it, im sick of it. I've been that person long time ago, it is not about me. I will simplify.

Note: Everyone referenced here are high school dudes, around the 11th-12th year of school

I have a friend who has some friends (he isn't lonely).
This friend started to try for a long time already to be a part of some other group. You could consider them the "cool" kids, or the "big and heap(or is it hip?)" group. It is cool that he is trying, but he tries too hard, for a long time already. They just don't want him as a personal friend. He tries to start conversations with different people of the group, eventually saying things that are rarely connected to the subject just to say something or try to laugh at someone else/curse (he isn't a hooligan) to be "cool" or in the conversation.

But man, he does it mostly because they are "fun" (some of them are for me) and a big group.
And of course its ok he tries to befriend with other people, its healthy and normal, but he tries too hard! They (BOTH OF THEM, not only them) aren't connecting, but he forces himself to connect to them, "speak in the same language". They are indifferent towards him, don't want him as a personal friend. And he does not stop.

It becomes pathetic, I don't like it. Why can't he be happy with the group of friends he has, those who actually appreciate him? Why does he inspire to get into something he isn't suitable for?

I need your Psycho-sexual/Psychoanalytic theories or personal experience or whatever you have and can help me with: Why doesn't he stop, why doesn't he understand/refuse to understand this will go nowhere? That he isn't suitable? Even though they are good guys, they are not his type?

Each of us has a certain group of people he can connect with, we must understand who we can connect with and who we can not. My opinion.
 
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Peer pressure. Popularity is good for your ego.

It's normal.
 
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Does this friend happen to be you?
 
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****... Everyone knew me in high school cause I was the Class Clown who got As for grades.
 
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No damaera, seriously. I was like this a long time ago, long. It is not me
 
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Little_Engine_That_Could

He thinks he can will himself into their click, and will continue to do so until the moment he no longer believes. It has nothing to do with you or anyone else. It's all him. Don't interfere. Stand by. Observe. Every so often throw in a few words in regards to what he'll actually gain from joining their click, should they choose to accept him, and what he'll have to lose in the process (self respect, his individuality, whatever the ****).
 
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Reeks of desperation. Some people just don't have anything, and they think they can get it by trying hard because why should socializing be any different, right? Well, yeah, it is different. Unless you try so hard to appear and seem like you arn't trying hard. But now I'm just giving you a headache.
 
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Fair enough.

Well, it does seem that he is trying too hard, but that doesn't mean you should stop him. Instead, I suggest trying to help him. Get in a one on one convo with him whenever you see him next and give him some pointers on how to get them more interested in him. For example, try to get him to talk about what the others are talking about instead of just listening in or talking about something totally random.

As for him being "fit" for the group, I wouldn't really say that. Back in middle school, I was a huge loser, didn't really talk to anyone and was pretty anti social, people thought I was pretty ****ing weird. Now I hang out and am cool with basically everyone, including the "jocks" or the "cool kids", or whatever you want to call the group. So yeah, I wouldn't really say he's fit for a certain type of group.
 
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well completely ignoring other people has its downsides as well,

by my last year of high school, only a handful of people really knew me. Leaving everyone else to come to their own conclusions.

apparently i was a drug addicted psychopath, who killed small animals for fun, and hoarded guns for an eventual already planned massacre. I had supposedly killed 2 other students over the years, and got away with it because of my family connections with the KKK (who do still have an active sect here).

and it wasnt just the students, the faculty too. Post-columbine my locker/bag was being searched by police every morning. With no LEGITIMATE probable cause.


i wish I had tried half as hard as your friend is, id rather be remembered as a socially awkward guy than a psycho.




I still run into people from school who are scared to talk to me lol,...... and im 27 now.
 
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well completely ignoring other people has its downsides as well,

by my last year of high school, only a handful of people really knew me. Leaving everyone else to come to their own conclusions.

apparently i was a drug addicted psychopath, who killed small animals for fun, and hoarded guns for an eventual already planned massacre. I had supposedly killed 2 other students over the years, and got away with it because of my family connections with the KKK (who do still have an active sect here).

and it wasnt just the students, the faculty too. Post-columbine my locker/bag was being searched by police every morning. With no LEGITIMATE probable cause.


i wish I had tried half as hard as your friend is, id rather be remembered as a socially awkward guy than a psycho.




I still run into people from school who are scared to talk to me lol,...... and im 27 now.
:) It seems you sir have had a bad life
 
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Hey, it may be a little said sometimes but at least they don't bother you too much with their stupidity. :)


@Deco: As the guys already said you should not involve too much, just observe. All you can do is point to him some stuff from time to time.
 
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Fair enough.

Well, it does seem that he is trying too hard, but that doesn't mean you should stop him. Instead, I suggest trying to help him. Get in a one on one convo with him whenever you see him next and give him some pointers on how to get them more interested in him. For example, try to get him to talk about what the others are talking about instead of just listening in or talking about something totally random.

As for him being "fit" for the group, I wouldn't really say that. Back in middle school, I was a huge loser, didn't really talk to anyone and was pretty anti social, people thought I was pretty ****ing weird. Now I hang out and am cool with basically everyone, including the "jocks" or the "cool kids", or whatever you want to call the group. So yeah, I wouldn't really say he's fit for a certain type of group.
He is "cool" with everyone, I am so too, our school is very open. But it is being cool with someone or a group and being IN it is all that makes the difference. He isn't suitable for their style, the only thing he can do is genuinely change himself, and that is not simple. People just can't appreciate what they have.

I agree very much with Dienkes
 
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What's the general status of his current group? It may be possible he wants to climb up the social ladder or that he's not satisfied with his current friends.

I've seen a case similar to his. A guy I know forced himself upon a group. He only got on with about half of them and the way he acted meant that the other half found him irritating (and tell me that frequently). Introducing yourself too quickly is a risky tactic, especially if he's acting out of character or pushing himself onto them. Establishing yourself in a new group is difficult without prior relation or doing it gradually. Admittedly, that wasn't out of choice for my example, he talked himself out of the group I'm in.

Talk to him about it, he knows more about what he wants than people over the internet ^^. Depending on your relationship with him, either imply stuff or be honest. However, it's entirely possible he's just bored with what he has now though.
 
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Nice post Doku. Yes, I agree that he wants to climb up the social ladder, but I believe it is wrong if it isn't your personality or it requires to give up on your individuality.
I believe we are always taught what is "cool" or what is "right", how to be "right" and I think it is very artificial. Every person is unique in a way. If he doesn't want to be who he is because it does not let him connect to the "big and cool" group then I say to hell with it. The "big and cool" group isn't necessarily good for everyone, not everyone are suitable for it, but they still want to be a part of it because they define "awesome". I think he just wants to feel "cool" but as I say it, "cool" was defined by the media. I don't believe in "cool", "gick", I believe in "self".
 
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to be honest fort, I have learned not to judge people by gick/cool or whatever. I'm getting to know them by their personality traits but I don't label those traits as cool nerdy or anything else. I find each of them as their own person and avoid labeling them. I learned that the hard way.

But by the way you say it they confident were much more interesting BECAUSE they were more interesting, not because they were considered "cool", and I respect that.
 
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He won't just act normal around you guys, because he doesn't accept the people who accept him.
 
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I know he's your friend and everything, and this might sound harsh, but it's really not your concern what he does or who he hangs out with.

If he wants to "try-hard" to be with them and force them to accept him than that's his prerogative, he's obviously looking for something in friends that his current group isn't, or can't provide. More than likely he's trying to be "cool" like that particular group because he feels he isn't cool enough with his current group. I think everybody on this board has known (or has been) someone like that. I myself when (way back when) I moved to a new high school had a choice to start fresh with the "cool kids" or hang out with the geeky, less popular group. Funnily enough I was more comfortable with the geeks and that's where I gradually shifted to.

Your friend wants to be with them, let him try, let him fail or succeed on his own terms and if you still want to be friends with him, be there for him when he grows up and see's what's going on for himself. As it is there's nothing you can do about it.
 

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Regardless of whether or not this is you ( I am still on the fence about believing someone desperately going to the internet for the sake of their socially awkward "Friend"), either way, you should never have to earn anyone's friendship, that's stupid and superficial (much like high school). No one is ever going to click and be like "OH HEY YOU HAVE NOW IMPRESSED ME ENOUGH TO STAND IN MY CIRCLE. ENTER, CHILD."
 
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I will say once more, and this is the final time. I don't want to repeat myself.

It is not about me at all. If you are dying to know I was like this a few years ago, but Ive learned better up till now.

If it was me i'd either by totally silent about that or ask you guys why I fail at befriends with them.

not me

Thanks Eon, I agree. In my experience friendships happen. I never said to myself "im going to befriends with him" and succeed. All my friendships were and are made of randomly talking, circumstances.
 

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it is normal to some, but there is a way to overcome all this pressure..
 

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