The Joke's Thread!!!

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Okay i made an Thread for it.. And i hope you guys will let me laugh.. because i had an accident o_O.

i was searching for one. and i found something hilarious

Elevator Magic

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
Feel free to post some too :smile:
 
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Omg im gonna get flamed for this but, I think that this thread is made of fail :| If i wanted a good joke id just visit one of the billion websites out there.
 
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Omg im gonna get flamed for this but, I think that this thread is made of fail :| If i wanted a good joke id just visit one of the billion websites out there.
Those are old.. I meant just ure own jokes or some u came across..
not just post some joke.. i know that there a sites too.

omg typ is hard O_O

PS : oh and i didnt ask for ure comment
 
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A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises

Yes dear replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter

But then when I have a baby the teenager pondered won't it knock all my teeth out.
 
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One day, an apple, a cucumber, and a penis get together and talk about how their lives suck. First the apple says:

"My life is ****. When I get ripe, people grind me up, and bake me in a pie."

Then the cucumber.

"Meh, that's nothing. When I get good and ripe, they cut me up into pieces and put me in a salad."

Then the penis.

"You kidding? My life is far worse. When I get big and ripe, they put me in a
cave, and pull, push, pull, push until I throw up and pass out."
 
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Ahh jokes.

Me slaps open the Monty Python quote book :p

After Sir Lancelot drags Sir Galahad out of the castle with lots of sexthirsty women:

Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad: I bet you're ***.
Sir Lancelot: Am not.
 
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Stop, or slow down?

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Arkansas State

Trooper. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the trooper because he

is a LAWYER and is certain that he has a better education. The lawyer

decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the trooper's

expense.



The trooper says, "License and registration, please."



The lawyer says, "What for?"



The trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."



The lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."



The trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."



Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."



Trooper says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and

registration, please."



Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"



Trooper says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,

that's the law here in Arkansas....License and registration, please!"



Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down

and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you can give me

the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."


Trooper says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."


At this point, the trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating

the ever-lovin' crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop

or just slow down?"
 

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Those are old.. I meant just ure own jokes or some u came across..
not just post some joke.. i know that there a sites too.

omg typ is hard O_O

PS : oh and i didnt ask for ure comment
You posted on a public forum, so technically, you did.



Anyways...

What's the difference between kinky and exotic?

Exotic is using a feather.


Kinky is using the whole goddamn chicken.
 
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Hirosima 1945 ...
Cernobil 1986 ...
Windows 95 ...

And the other:

The Serbian, Russian, and American went at God's place and everyone had right to ask him one question.
American asked: When is America going to be ruler of the universe?
God: For 50 years!
American starts crying: I'm not gonna live to see that...
Russian asked: When is Russia going to Be the reachest country of all?
God: For 100 years!
Russian starts crying: I'm not gonna live to see that...
Serb asked: When is Serbia going to get out of crisis?
God starts crying: I'm not gonna live to see that...
 
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Lukyas, that was horrible. Not funny at all.


A man walks into a baker's shop:-
"Can I buy a wasp please?"
"Uh, pardon?"
"A wasp. Can I buy a wasp please?"
"B.. but, we don't sell wasps!"
"Oh. Well, they're nesting in your window then..."

---

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.

Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

"That was the demo," replied God.
 
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A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
 
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@Liad... LOL..

Seriously sometimes, govt officials are just dumb enough to let something like that happen.
 
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two more jokes :p

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you take him home?"

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

And

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
 
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wo men dressed in Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin
glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water
at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the
plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
 
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him: "Why the long face?"

Just had to post thtone ^^

In any case more Monty Pythin :p

After Having their asses kicked by a rabit. King Arthur and his men order Brother Maynard to bring the holy hand granade of Antioch

King Arthur: [Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch] How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
King Arthur: Right. One... two... five.
Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three.
 

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