The Joke thread

[Killface]

Alright.. this thread's purpose is to make people laugh. All you gotta do is tell a joke.... easy as that. I'll go first.




A man was walking on the beach when he found this lamp on the ground. He picks it up and rubs it and a genie comes out... the genie says "oh thank you for letting me free. You may have three wishes."

The man sat there and thought about it, and he said "whats the catch?"

The genie simply replied "There is only one catch. Whatever you wish for, your wife gets double." The man thinks to himself "alright... i'll get my three wishes"

So he says "genie, i wish for a new car!"
-POOF- He gets a new car and his wife gets two new cars.

Then he says "genie, i wish for a new house!"
-POOF- He gets a new house and his wife gets two new houses.

He thinks to himself for a few... then he says "genie, i want you to beat me half to death!"

 

[MC]

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

 

[FreeDoM]

A woman walks into the welfare office, trailed by 11 kids...
WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"
They all mine," she sighs, having heard that question a thousand
times
before.
She then says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find
seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest, he is Leroy." OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues one by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here ... Are they ALL named Leroy?" "Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "I call them by their last names."

 

[Zeonix]

This is an old tale from Russia, around 1947.

It was a particularly cold winter in Moscow, and a man and his family were slowly starving to death, due to him being fired from his jobs. One morning, he went out in search of work when he was startled by someone whispering at him.

"PSST! HEY! YOU! C'MERE!"

Like so.

The man wanted to know what the Whisperer wanted.

"What do you want Whisperer?"

The Whisperer told the man that he possessed a magic potato that could grant wishes.

"I have a magic potato that can grant wishes."

The man didn't believe him.

"I don't believe you.

The Whisperer offered the man a single wish to prove he was telling the truth.

"I wish that right here, in front of me, a pile of meat would appear. Enough that my family and myself could eat for many weeks!"

And it was so. A cooler full of a variety of meats appeared in front of the man. He was amazed.

"I am amazed!"

"Dear sir! You can have this magic potato under one condition. You must kill your son and bring me his body."

The man was appalled.

"This, I can not do! He is my only son!"

"You can wish him back later."

"Oh. Alrighty then."

So the man skipped like he never skipped before down the long streets until he found himself at his house.

"Son! Son! To me, my son!"

His 7 year old boy scurried over to his father. He looked up at him with adoring eyes which soon widened with surprise as his father began to cut open his chest with a bonesaw. The man took out the heart, placed it in a jar, and left it outside, surrounded by snow. You know. Just in case they ever needed food. He lifted the boy up by his legs and allowed the blood to flow freely onto his wooden floor. Once the boy was completely drained of blood, he put him in a garbage bag and skipped back to the Whisperer.

"Here he is. Please, sir, give me the magic potato!"

The Whisperer took the bag from the man, opened it, and looked inside.

"Yes! Now I can finally complete it and return home!"

The man became angry.

"Meow! I am angry. Give me the potato now."

The Whisperer handed the magic potato over to him, and the man wished that his boy would be returned to life.

....

....

Nothing happened.

"What is this madness? The potato is not working! Give me back my son!"

The Whisperer began to back up and laughed at the man. He placed his right hand on the side of his hip and said:

"No, no, no. You can't have him."

The Whisperer quickly removed his Phaser and set it on kill. He began to shoot lasers at the man from both his gun and eyes, but the man evaded the blasts like an agile cat that is super agile, but has a wounded leg, so he has to favor one leg over the other. Which, you know, kinda makes him move a little slower than he normally would be, but what are you gonna do, right? Shouldn't have gone skiing in Colorado last month.

The Whisperer continued firing lasers at the man when a wormhole suddenly opened up behind him. 20 men jumped out of the wormhole and pulled out phaser rifles and set them to kill (no one uses stun; it's there so they don't get sued).

"Freeze! Future Time Police! Drop your phaser and stop firing lasers from your eyes!"

The Whisperer didn't know what to do. He quickly picked up a potato and threw it at the man, you was hurled backwards into the wormhole. The Future Time Police turned around for a split second and saw the man disappear, followed by the wormhole soon afterwards. When they turned back to the Whisperer, he was already in his phone booth time machine with Napolean, Abraham Lincoln, Death, 2 aliens (on on the others shoulders), and the Whisperers Cyborg double.

"Better luck next time, coppers!"

He was gone the next instant.

Meanwhile, the man was falling down and down and up and left and right and twirling and twirling and had no idea what to do. Using Mega Atomic Buster, he was able to open up another wormhole, which he fell into and then out of, landing on a what appeared to be a beach.

He got up, looked around, and realized he was still in Russia. The sand was frozen as was the ocean.

"Wait. Ocean?"

He looked around him, and wasn't quite sure where or when he was, but he knew that he must get home and seek revenge for his son who died during WW2 (that's what he was going to tell people, anyway). He began to make his way off the beach, but he did not get far, however, because he saw a visage that would that would destroy his hopes of ever returning home....for you see, on the beach......was the Statue of Liberty.

And that is the meaning of Hannukah.

 

[dan_esf_fanatic]

Alright here goes:

Peter is a 14 year-old boy. His parents left home for a honeymoon while he was at school. His teacher pities him and asks him to stay at her place until his parents come back. She is by the way, very hot. So they go to her place. It's 10 PM and they're getting ready for bed (losers). Peter says to his teacher: "Ms. Robertson, I'm used to sleeping in the same bed with my mom, do you mind if I sleep in your bed with you?"

"Well okay, Peter, if you can't sleep."

So they lay down in the same bed.

"Ms. Robertson, I'm used to sleeping with my mom without our clothes on."

"Oh Peter, that's going too far."

"Please, Ms. Robertson!!"

"Oh, okay."

And they take their clothes off.

"Ms. Robertson, I'm used to keep my finger in my mom's belly button while I sleep."

"Oh alright, just let me sleep!!"

After a few seconds....

"PETER, THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON!!"

"This ain't my finger either, Ms. Robertson!!!"