The Five Tailed Beast: Gobi no Houkou [PART I]

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The Five Tailed Beast: Gobi no Houkou [PART I]
Before Gaara was kidnapped, and Matsuri was learning how to be a ninja.

Whats this? Matsuri holding up a book labeled 'BINGO BOOK'.

Thats the Bingo Book. It lists all the names of ninja that are wanted because they left their villages. said Gaara.

Uchiha Itachi, Orochimaru, Zabuza Momochi, Raiga Kurosuki, Ichudo. I've never heard of any of them. Are they really that dangerous to our village?

Yes. They posses knowledge that is beyond what the advanced jounin would know, Explained Gaara. Whos this, Ichudo ninja? said Matsuri.

Gaara looked out the window and didn't say anything. Whats wrong, the bingo book says hes dead....wait....you killed him didn't you.

Yes I did, said Gaara. He was also a host of a tailed beast. They call us jinchuriki's. I hold the 1 tailed beast Shukaku. But Ichudo was different. He wasn't raised in a village, or had any parents. It was a mystery how the Bijuu was sealed in him the first place. Some legends say that he was born with it in him.

This was before you became kazekage wasn't it Gaara?

Yes, i was sent on a mission to find Ichudo and eliminate him. This was my final task before i became kazekage. It was only a year ago when we met face to face....
[Flashback to one year ago]

Garra was in his absolute defense, with his third eye floating about his sphere of sand. A ninja on all fours was growling at him, eyes black as night, and razor sharp fingernails were on his hands.

Damn it, my charkras running low. I don't know how much longer i can hold out.

Getting tired? said Ichudo. He dashed at Gaaras shield and scratched at at. He jumped back as the Shukaku's hand attempted to grab Ichudo.

His speed is faster then anyones i've ever seen. He's putting a lot of chakra into his paws, so its able to tear right through my defense. said Gaara.

You can't hide in there forever Gaara....You came for and fight, to kill me, and you hide in your little sand bubble. I've had enough of this childs play.

At that moment, Ichudo let out a blood curling howl and transformed into his true form: the Gobi no Houkou [Hell Hound]

I guess i have no choice but to go to sleep. Sand from the ground started to mound on the sphere, until it was a giant ball of sand. The sand then molded into the Shukaku. Gaara's head appeared from the head of Shukaku as he performed his final jutsu. His head fell to his side, as he began to sleep.

AHHHHH I'M FINALLY AWAKE AGAIN ! HAHAH FREED FROM THE MIND AND INTO REALITY yelled the 1 tailed beast.
The eyes of the hellhound went from black, to red. Signaling that Ichudo was no longer in control. Long time no see said Gobi.

Why if it isn't the hellhound. Long time no see. READY TO DIE! said Shukaku.
 
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U copy/pasted from somewhere, what is it all about??? What is that story??? Who are the chars???
 
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U copy/pasted from somewhere, what is it all about??? What is that story??? Who are the chars???
What?! no no no. I just made all of this up. Ichudo is a made up character. I fugued theres nothing in the magna about the five tailed demon, so i made one up. Gobi no Houkou is supposedly the 5 tailed demon dog, which i made into a hell hound
 
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Oh sry, then for misunderstanding. The tail has a good basic tough, just the names are very hard to remember. R they jappanese, or German, ... ?
 
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BTW< I moved this from Off-topic to here, because that was the wrong section for fanfics.
 
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yea, all names are japanese. i don't know why i used japanese names. i guess its because they have more of a meaning to them

@ Arthos

Yea sorry about that, i didn't see that there was a fin fic section, sorry
 

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Try not to use a lot of fragmented sentences. Fragmented sentences tend to make the reader feel as if they are reading a telegram. Another thing is that you should use more adjectives to describe the things going on in the story, this will grab the reader and help the reader visualize what's going on.

You also lacked quotations for when a character is speaking. You should also include them to help the reader know that someone is talking.

Now, another thing is you don't describe the environment. You should do this whenever the setting changes or when you're introducing the current setting. This helps in the visualization department for the reader.

Anyway, the story is pretty good, you have me interested. Keep up the good work!
 
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ok, i'm going to revise it now

and thanks for the compliments
 

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should i revise it or just keep it going but with your advise


and thanks for the compliments
It's up to you. Personally, I revise my stories one or two times before finalizing.
 
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ok, everything is revised from setting to quotation marks
 

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ok, everything is revised from setting to quotation marks
It seems that you didn't revise a whole lot. It's almost the same as the previous one with some minor differences. Usually when you revise a story you rewrite/retype it rather than go through and change a number of things.
 
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Uh dude.

You do you what we mean by quotation marks don't you?

"Your story is boring!" Gaara exclaimed, "It's as boring as I am two-dimensional!" replied Ichudo, enraged over his lack of character development and overall blandness as a character.

All jokes aside, if I knew anything about fanfics, or good fanfics for that matter, I'd refer you to one as it would probably be helpful.

My only tip would be its usually wise to stay away from major characters if you want to have it work in-canon.
 
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oh shoot, i edited the wrong one sorry, heres the new one

The Five Tailed Beast: Gobi no Houkou [PART I]

Before Gaara was kidnapped, and Matsuri was learning how to be a ninja.

"Whats this?" Matsuri said while holding up a book labeled 'BINGO BOOK'.

"That's the Bingo Book. It lists all the names of ninja that are wanted because they left their villages." said Gaara.while he was sorting through papers.

"Uchiha Itachi, Orochimaru, Zabuza Momochi, Raiga Kurosuki, Ichudo. I've never heard of any of them. Are they really that dangerous to our village?" said Matsuri with confusion.

"Yes. They posses knowledge that is beyond what the advanced jounin would know." Explained Gaara.
"Whos this, Ichudo ninja?" asked Matsuri.

Gaara peered outside of the window. The sand was blowing in the wind, as the sun was about to set.
"Whats wrong, the bingo book says he's dead. You killed him didn't you."

"Yes I did." said Gaara. "He was also a host of a tailed beast. They call us jinchuriki's. I hold the 1 tailed beast Shukaku, But Ichudo was different. He wasn't raised in a village, or had any parents. It was a mystery how the Bijuu was sealed in him the first place. Some legends say that he was born with it in him."

"This was before you became kazekage wasn't it Gaara?" asked Matsuri

"Yes, i was sent on a mission to find Ichudo and eliminate him. This was my final task before i became kazekage. It was only a year ago when we met face to face...."

[Flashback to one year ago]

A few miles outside of the Sand Village was an abandoned village that was once used for mining ore. In the town square, Garra was in his absolute defense. His third eye was floating above his sphere of sand, gazing at the animal infront of him. A ninja on all fours was growling at him, eyes black as night, and razor sharp fingernails were on his hands. The sun was high in the sky now, signaling that it was noon. The heat was so unbearable that cacti wouldn't be able to survive.

"Damn it, my charkras running low. I don't know how much longer i can hold out." said Gaara in the back of his head.

"Getting tired?" said Ichudo with a grin on his face. He dashed at Gaaras shield and scratched at it. At first the sand seemed to be unaffected. All of a sudden the Shukaku's hand came out of the orb and attempted to grab Ichudo.

"Your going to have to be faster then that" yelled Ichudo as he ran around the Sand shield.

"His speed is faster then anyones i've ever seen. He's putting a lot of chakra into his claws. A couple more of those hits and i'm done for. said Gaara with fear in his voice.

"You can't hide in there forever Gaara....You came for and fight, to kill me, and you hide in your little sand bubble. I've had enough of this childs play." exclaimed the ninja.

At that moment, streaks of sand came out from the broken down buildings. The sand went over 100 meters in the sky, and came down as fast as meteors at Ichudo.
There was only smoke from the area that was hit with sand. As the smoke dissipated, Garra noticed a tunnel leading underground.

"This is just like Narutos fight with that Hyugga kid." said Garra in the back of his mind. Garra then started to float in his sand orb and drifted into the sky. From there, he could see a aerial view of the town. There were about 7 broken down houses, a water tower, a well.

"There!" Garra said. He then pointed his hands at the hole as the sand darted towards it with incredible speed. He floated back to the ground because he was using up too much chakra floating. He put his hands on the ground.

"Desert Relequium" Garra screamed.

The ground below him began to shake was the sand and ground compressed into eachother. anything underground would be crushed under tons of pressure. At that moment something pertruded from the ground. Ichudo rose from the ground, seeming unharmed by Gaaras offensive.

At that moment, Ichudo let out a blood curling howl and transformed into his true form: the Gobi no Houkou [Hell Hound]. The dog demon was almost 100 meters in hight, and was looking at Gaara with savage eyes.

"I guess i have no choice but to go to sleep." said Gaara.

Sand from the ground started to mound on the sphere, until it was a giant ball of sand. The sand then molded into the sand demon, Shukaku. Gaara's head appeared from the head of Shukaku as he perfromed his final jutsu. His head fell to his side, as he began to sleep.

"AHHHHH I'M FINALLY AWAKE AGAIN ! HAHAH FREED FROM THE MIND AND INTO REALITY" yelled the demon.
The eyes of the hellhound went from black, to red. Signaling that Ichudo was no longer in control.

"Long time no see." said Gobi.

"Why if it isn't the hellhound. Its been a while since i saw you last... READY TO DIE!" said Shukaku.

"I won't be the one dying today Shukaku, you will be the one to go back to the void of demons." Said the dog demon

i'm sorry, this is the real one
 
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Not bad at all. But again, describe where they are. Itll make it better.
 

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