Love and cherish

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These are poems (don't freak, just read them) that I wrote a few minutes ago. I thought that you'd like to hear them.

I Love You All

I first came here, so lost and a noob.
I met some friends, some good ones too,
And then I met "The Rest of You".

I know I was mean, flame and spam,
But I can't help it; it's who I am.
I'm just another girl; a faulty human (like you)

Though to your eyes I stood proud and tall,
But to myself and God, I was still very small.
And despite your critique, I love you all

I wrote a dumb poem to show you this,
And I finish it with heart, and my angel's kiss.
If you're mad at me, and can't forgive.
Then I'm sorry, but it's not for you that I live.


True Friend

Do you care?
Do you know me?
Would you bare
My burden for me?

Would you listen
When I whined?
Would you defend
Me, if there was ever a time?

Of course;
You're my true friend,
And you'll be there,
Until the bitter end.


Dagli Occhi di Dio

Here it comes, it's time again.
I'm so happy, I could dance.
It's time to love, cry, and sing.
Come all, this is your last chance.

A friend you need, and family too,
But never forget that I first loved you.
I gave you your life and mine,
Now come with me, and bring your kids too.

You'll never cry in sorrow,
You'll never feel pain.
Just open your heart,
And say my name.

I hope that you will
Accept me today.
The offer's almost up,
So sing out "Yahweh".

Good, now follow me
We'll fly together.
I love you, my child,
Now let's live forever.
~~~~~~~~
That's all. Any crits?

*thanks in advance, because I have to go eat something*
 
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Cool, Those Are Great Vegeta's Briefs I Do Dabble A lil Into Poetry Myself, But Its Not Exactly ESF Forum Material...I like Your Last One :)
 

owa

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There Decent, could use some work.

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"I first came here, so lost and a noob."

noob doens't fit in with a poem. I relieze poems can be different things but noob? Nah its not even a real word.

----------

"I'm just another girl; a faulty human (like you)"

Is not a good way to end a stanza (I beleive they are called)

"Like you" just doesn't fit in.

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"Do you care?
Do you know me?
Would you bare
My burden for me?

Would you listen
When I whined?
Would you defend
Me, if there was ever a time?"

Of course;
You're my true friend,
And you'll be there,
Until the bitter end."

Ok this one is odd at first you start off ryhming every second line with the second line above me (IE: Do you Care?
Would you Bare)

But once oyu hit the second stanze you kinda go off track.

"Would you listen
When I whined?
Would you defend
Me, if there was ever a time?"

The last line seems out of place. Kinda ruins the overall mood your trying to get out with the poem.

----------

Now for the last poem, which had a few proplems.

"I gave you your life and mine,
Now come with me, and bring your kids too."

Its all good till this line. Its hard to explain just this lien doesn't fit well with the poem, kinda makes it hard cause it ryhmes decently till then but once you get here you go off ryhming ALOT.

The rest of the poem isn't all the great to.

Overall I'd have to say, spend more itme on writing them, think about what your trying to say, and say it in the best possible manor.
 
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Owa, as much as appreciate your criticism, I wrote these just the way I wanted them.

The first one is obviously apologetic, and "noob" fits, because that's what Nameless Spectre and Aisha both call me, and it rhymes. And many great poets that I know have done that (ending the stanza with these) because there is another thought to be added. It's actually not part of my original poem, you know.

The second one is about what a true firend is, and listen and defend both rhyme (say them out loud). The last part wasn't supposed to be like the first two. It was supposed to have a different rhythm all together.

The last poem is just the way I want it, and I don't want to change a thing. Oh, and the rhyming stays. I rhyme ever other line with every other line, but I don't rhyme the lines before them.

And Yahweh is pronounced yaw way.
 

owa

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Well I'm just syaing to make your poems not suck you should do them right, plus you said osmthing about n00b how mnay great poets have done that, may I ask done what? Used n00b in a poem cause if they did there prolyl losers.

*EDIT* which great poets?
 
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Well, for one, a lady named Medileine L'Engle, a man named David Adams, and my friend Lindsay. They also add the ideas (idea idea) like this --idea idea. I wasn't talking about great poets using noob. Noob is something I used so that you'd know I was talking about people in this forum.

*edit* you guys can do whatever you want with this thread, I think I'm kind of done. Anyone else tap into their sensitive side lately? And OWA, try on a poet named Jewel. She doesn't rhyme at all.

There is no correct way to doing poetry, as long it's the words that pour from your heart.
 

owa

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I did not say it has to ryhme. I was stating that going from a cool ryhme to some stupid line i very terrible.

Plus Jewel is a Singeri f I'm not mistaken. Lyrics and Poems may seem similer but they vary alot, I know I write lyrics for my band.

Poetic writing is all about how you make the mood feel, the poems you wrote have no overall mood, as soon as it gets going you ruin it with some bad writing.

I'd recommend listenign to Critz cause they casn help you alot, butj ust blowing me off and trying to make up reasons why you think your poems are good is just stupid, if you ever wnat to excel at writing you hsould listen to what the people say about it.
 
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They have a mood. OWA, if you can't appreciate art (Piccasso comes to mind) for what it is, then just get out. Art isn't making it tidy or pretty, art is unlocking something inside of you, and showing you something. If you can't see it, then get out.
 

owa

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uhh I do have a right, I am telling you how I feel about these poems, I was trying to be nice and give my crits on how to help, but you wouldn't listen your too stuck up to understand.

Art has to be good for osmeone to like it.

And picasso sucked anyways.
 
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I said I appreciated your criticism, and then I told you why I wrote them my way. You continued the argument.
 

owa

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Yes I continued the arguement, your point is? I my oppion all this is, is just a little ocnflicitng of ideas so your point is not there or very stupid.
 
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OWA, **** you. If you want to write in my thread, then don't argue. I've reported you.
 

owa

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Reported me why? Because I hate your art? Because your point was stupid? I did not flame nor spammed I am just posting my thoughts about your art and your replies, there is no need to get angry. I in no way am angry.
 
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When you wrote down your criticism, I responded with "your points are nice but..." then I explained why I didn't write my poems your way. YOU got ticked at me for saying that. Then you said my poems sucked because I didn't do them your way. Then I give you an artist, Jewel, that writes poetry from what the traditional way of doing it was to show you that I can do it whichever way I want. I told you that if you couldn't get passed the stuff you didn't like about it, and actually see the mood of the poem, then you had best leave. I listen to my critics when they listen to me, and right now, I'm not going to take any of your advice. I've reported you for being a butthead, a jerk, and one of the worst critics ever, and you can either leave, or you can stay and argue, and face the wrath of whomever I complain to.
 

owa

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Actually I have nothing agaisnt you, nor your poems. I just didn't wnat to come out and say I hated them at first cause I thought you might consider my critz, but no you tihnk your way is better, I do not think mine is better I was just saying what I tohught you could do to make it better.

I wouldn't of come right out and said I hated them if you would have considered them a little, if your gonna write you'll need critz to make things better, if you stay the same because you think its best then it just gets old and terrible
 
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I did consider your crits, and then I found that I liked my way better because I made that way for a reason. Bottom line. If you're going to give me crits, then don't get mad when I find that my way is better to and for me becasue it makes sense. Even if you're too stupid to catch why.
 
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Heey hey people tone it down a little. Surely this can be done in a pm?
 

owa

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I am not mad. And you keep trying to insult my intellegence. I don't advise it, I did not flame you, there is no need for you to flame me or atleast attempt too insult me.
 

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