Lend your help to Sub for something totally unimportant

[sub]

Alright, so I work at Staples, and in the breakroom they have a bunch of bull**** awards hanging up. The awards say things such as "SILVER STAR TO STORE 0777 FOR HAVING 79% CUSTOMER SATISFACTION! WAY TO GO STORE 0777!!!!", or congratulating various people for selling over x amount of money in product protection plans. Since I'm never going to get any of these awards, because I hate the place with every fiber of my being, I want to create a bunch of fake certificates congratulating me for various bull**** that no one should be thanked for. I'm going to hang these up in the breakroom

I need some help thinking of some fake awards. Maybe something like "Congratulations to Dan P. for greeting a customer on Wendesday! Way to go Dan!" Any ideas?

 

[Spunky]

Congratulations to Dan P. for looking busy!
Congratulations to Dan P. for simplifying things to dumbass customers!

 

[sub]

Congratulations to Dan P. for earning this congratulatory certificate! Way to innovate!

 

[kam!]

Congratulations to Dan P. for his xth (= number of days you live) day without murdering someone! Keep it up!!
Congratulations to Dan P. for coming to work even though he has swine flu! That's dedication!


Edit: Congratulations to Dan P. for successfully converting 1.9 m^3 O2 into Co2 each day!

 

[Spunky]

Congratulations to Dan P. for bringing toilet paper from home!
Congratulations to Dan P. for doing the work, despite his belief that crucifixion would be more pleasant.

 

[Dokutayuu]

Congratulations to Dan P. for actually turning up to work (unlike the rest of his undeserving co-workers)!
Congratulations to Dan P. for not asking for a raise!
Congratulations to Dan P. for not complaining about his unfair hours!
Congratulations to Dan P. for not contacting his workers' union!
Congratulations to Dan P. for not taking us to court!

I could do this all day.

 

[Deman]

Congratulations to Dan P. for working for such a meager wage even though he is clearly deserving of much more!

 

[Sicron]

Congratulations to Dan P. for wiping his ass. Dan takes care of his personal hygiene!
Congratulations to Dan P. for taking as many breaks as he does. Rest is important to be productive!
Congratulations to Dan P. for being so badass. Dan just can't help it!

 

[Demize]

Congratulations to Dan P. for not letting his Second job as a PIMP get in the way!

 

[The Deco]

Congratulations to Dan P. for not letting his Second job as a PIMP get in the way!

XXDD good one!

Congratulations to Dan P. for being generous enough to share his dope with the other co-workers.
Congratulations to Dan P. for standing my obnoxious, arrogant behavior (assuming we are talking about the manager)

 

[Dienekes]

Congratulations on being the only manimal to rise above his unfortunate circumstances and become a willing and obedient servant of you-know-who.

 

[Brosiris]

Congratulations Dan P. for not telling Corporate that I was diagnosed with herpes!
Congratulations Dan P. for letting us pay you!
Congratulations Dan P. for not falling asleep today!
Congratulations Dan P. for not hitting any customers!
Congratulations Dan P. for browsing the internet on your phone while clocked in!

Yeah I dunno. Everyone else has better ideas

 

[sub]

I think I've thought of the one that I'm going to use. The motto/advertising slogan for staples is "Staples: That was Easy!" or some variation along those lines. I'm going to probably make the award say something like

Congratulations to Dan P. for doing things "The Easy Way™"

I like it because it has a double meaning. It can be taken to mean that I'm a super ****ty employee, but can also be taken to mean that I'm a good one. It also plays on the company culture a bit. Thanks for all the replys, a few of them were really good ^_^

 

[Renyori]

Congratulations to Dan P. for having the ability to procreate. Therefore, allowing our company to one day potentially have another employee or customer.

 

[Deathshot]

Congratulations to Dan P. for doing things the easy way and asking his online community for help on an Award.

 

[sub]

Congratulations to Dan P. for doing things the easy way and asking his online community for help on an Award.

Pfft, you know you all enjoy this thread