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ahahaha that one made me laugh.Mccdbz5 said:
Free Force-Pit Access!?!
- Thread starter Chang Wufei
- Start date
Pwns Mastasurf at TF2
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I think I can win with this one. Man-Faye was on Jay Leno tonight. He was in a segment where they sent a camera crew out to a "so you wanna be a super hero" convention. On the plus side, they also talked with Stan Lee. Don't know Man Faye? Here's a link, but please, prepare yourself for teh ugly. Distasteful, yes, but not against forum rules (otherwise kidboy woulda been perm banned months ago ;P ) so don't complain if you look at the link 
http://www.cosplayuniverse.com/cosplay/manfaye/gallery/1/page1.html
http://www.cosplayuniverse.com/cosplay/manfaye/gallery/1/page1.html
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Thanks Karrde. You made me throw up.
Anyways, here's a joke:
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven because heaven is so big!"
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "Twenty-four years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asks.
The guy says, "Yeah, seven times, but you said I was forgiven."
Peter says, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy says, "I was married for forty-one years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."
Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for sixty-three years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you Jaguar!"
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they go see what was the matter. When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what is wrong, he says, "I've just seen my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
Anyways, here's a joke:
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven because heaven is so big!"
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "Twenty-four years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asks.
The guy says, "Yeah, seven times, but you said I was forgiven."
Peter says, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy says, "I was married for forty-one years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."
Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for sixty-three years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you Jaguar!"
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they go see what was the matter. When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what is wrong, he says, "I've just seen my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
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yes I am, but updating it constantly is a hassle, and I DO have a life besides the forums you know.
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Joke time!
An Actor's Last Chance
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
An Actor's Last Chance
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
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Just for fun...
[FONT=Verdana,Arial]Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Arial]Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now![/FONT]
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"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -
'You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"
These are so dumb, they are funny. But not really.
'You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"
These are so dumb, they are funny. But not really.
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I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.
The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".
So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."
And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.
The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".
So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."
And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
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Ok..the contest is now done, and these are the results
Score:
Dr.Gero-20 - 21
Enix - 1
Zeronightmare - 7 (i gave u 5 cuz ur mess up made me laugh)
frsrblch - 30
MC - 3
Sub - 15
Karrade - 30
Spunky - 40
kidboy - 4
grega - 10
bapplebo - 10
Growler - 0
Wallmart - 15
Mccdbz - 60
SA_Gohan - 25
owa - 8
hammpu - 5
NGE - 25
FutureSSJGohan - 20
CM - 20 (just reading what he tried to say, and what happened made my day)
donnierisk - 5
Dask - 5
Zeonix - 63
Well, That makes Zeonix the winner. I'll be contacting him personally to set up the paypal transaction. Thanks to all who contributed, and all who posted. I picked Zeonix because he had material that sounded like they came from comedian, and I personally love comedian jokes, becase they have more originality, most of the jokes posted were just copied and pasted from joke sites. When I made the contest I had a feeling this would happen, thats why I looked at both how funny and original the jokes were. A lot of the jokes I had heard before. So yeah, a mod can close this now..
Score:
Dr.Gero-20 - 21
Enix - 1
Zeronightmare - 7 (i gave u 5 cuz ur mess up made me laugh)
frsrblch - 30
MC - 3
Sub - 15
Karrade - 30
Spunky - 40
kidboy - 4
grega - 10
bapplebo - 10
Growler - 0
Wallmart - 15
Mccdbz - 60
SA_Gohan - 25
owa - 8
hammpu - 5
NGE - 25
FutureSSJGohan - 20
CM - 20 (just reading what he tried to say, and what happened made my day)
donnierisk - 5
Dask - 5
Zeonix - 63
Well, That makes Zeonix the winner. I'll be contacting him personally to set up the paypal transaction. Thanks to all who contributed, and all who posted. I picked Zeonix because he had material that sounded like they came from comedian, and I personally love comedian jokes, becase they have more originality, most of the jokes posted were just copied and pasted from joke sites. When I made the contest I had a feeling this would happen, thats why I looked at both how funny and original the jokes were. A lot of the jokes I had heard before. So yeah, a mod can close this now..
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I lost by 3 points... Man...Zeonix already has access though. I wish you didn't allow those people to participate. This sucks . And also, some of the jokes he used are also from websites. I can even give you the link if you want, because I have seen the same exact jokes. It's nothing against, it's just, almost everyone got these jokes from someone else or a website, so I wouldn't say he was being "original" because he sounded like a comedian. Hell, I thought you could do one joke a post according to what Karrde said. Contact me on AIM if you would like the link to the website with most of the same exact jokes he used. I know, because I also went on there a long time ago, and just checked it again today, just to see if I remembered those or not. I just don't really think it's fair to say that almost everyone else cheated, when he did himself, that's just like, stupid. I think more than half the people here cheated so...Yeah...
Man...Zeonix already has access though. I wish you didn't allow those people to participate. This sucks . And also, some of the jokes he used are also from websites. I can even give you the link if you want, because I have seen the same exact jokes. It's nothing against, it's just, almost everyone got these jokes from someone else or a website, so I wouldn't say he was being "original" because he sounded like a comedian. Hell, I thought you could do one joke a post according to what Karrde said. Contact me on AIM if you would like the link to the website with most of the same exact jokes he used. I know, because I also went on there a long time ago, and just checked it again today, just to see if I remembered those or not. I just don't really think it's fair to say that almost everyone else cheated, when he did himself, that's just like, stupid. I think more than half the people here cheated so...Yeah...
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He didn't specify they had to be original or not from websites. Had you wanted it badly enough, you could have won. Heck, I made it to 30 points in one day, simply from CollegeHumor before I realized it wasn't worth $5. I had initially thought it was a 1 day thing, and not so damned long.
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Everyone, including yourself, used jokes from outside sources. He never stated it was against the rules. He considered the jokesk I posted more "orginal" because he probably hadn't heard most of them. We didn't follow Karrde's rule because Chang established his own set of rules. He is the person giving away the cash, after all. Don't be a sore loser, Mcc. Better luck next time.Mccdbz5 said:I lost by 3 points...
Thanks, Chang Wufei for the cash -_O. I'll end up buying a lot of mouse pads or something useless like that.
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I'm not being a sore loser, I honestely don't care. I just think it's stupid for him to say that you didn't use jokes from other places, while other people did, as well as you. I just wanted a cheap, easy way to get Force Pit access. It just makes me feel a little bit mad because you already have access...
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OMG BOFH gave me 9 points O.O
And that was only parts 1 - 4 XD
You should see what happens in parts round 14 ^^
And that was only parts 1 - 4 XD
You should see what happens in parts round 14 ^^