Favourite quotes from Family Guy.

[Optimus Prime]

Well, post your favourites, here's some of mine.
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Peter: "Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually"
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Peter: "Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons?" (Biker hits him in the face with a pool cue but doesn't even flinch) turns to the second biker and says, "And aren't you Richard Simmons' friend..., Richard Simmons?"
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Stewie: What are you looking at? You... infantile stupid! Yes, that's right! Damn you and such.
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Lois: The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing honey.
Peter: Yeah that's east for you to say you get to keep both your cans
Lois: Don't talk like that. You'll see a doctor tomorrow..
Peter: Oh no. No doctor. The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid. (Cut to giant squid sitting at the end of the table, knocks the dishes onto the ground xD)
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Judge: Peter Griffin, I sentence you to life in jail!
Lois: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
(Kool-Aid Man breaks through the wall)
Kool-Aid Man: Oh Yeaaaah!
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[Smith|]

Louis: Who would be stupid enough to try lifosuction?
Peter bursts in thin.
Stewie: Oh my god; he's become so massive, he collapsed into himself like a neutron star!

 

[GhostfaceKillah]

i cant remember it exactly.... but meg (or someone touches the dial on the furnace) and peter comes running in, along with all of his neighbours

 

[Smith|]

Ohh! Yea, the furnace thing. Where all men have the implant in their brains whenever it's touched, lol.

 

[KilledWithStyle]

Hi, I'm Peter Grphion. Ya know, weve had a lot of laughs tonight, but I'll tell ya whths not funny: killing strippers. Strippers are people, too. Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negosaite later behind a curtain ina VIP room. Besides, theres no need to kill them, cause' most of them are already dead inside

Does this quote work? I am not a good speller though...

 

[Hash]

Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math? Mr. Sanderson says if I don't learn it I won't be able to function in the real world.

*Cuts to outside a gas station where chris is asking for directions*

Man: K now watcha gotta do is go down the road to the old Johnson place. Now your going to find 2 roads, one parallel, and 1 perpindicular. Now keep going until you get to a highway that bisects it at a 45 degree angle. Solve for X

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*The Griffen Family is in a Synagogue*

Peter: Hey look! I didn't know the principle of Meg's school is jewish. Hey there's Bill Nye the Scince Guy! And half of Lenny Kravits.

*Peter Looks Behind Him*

Op-Optimus Prime?! Your Jewish?

*Optimus Drives up and Transforms. Then Opens his chest and instead of the Matrix, a Yarmulke is there, and he puts it on his head*

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I laughed so hard at those ones, particularly the Optimus Prime one, it was sooooo funny.

 

[Optimus Prime]

Peter: Now you may have killed her when you stuffed those dollar bills down her throat. You may have killed her when you hit her with the stool, I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I know what didn't kill her, smoking.
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Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
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Peter: Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
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Peter: Now make like siamese-twins and split... and then one of you die.

 

[Soulicro]

Forgot exactly what he says, but its when Stewie is his cereal box fort. Gotta love the cereal box fort.

 

[Optimus Prime]

Forgot exactly what he says, but its when Stewie is his cereal box fort. Gotta love the cereal box fort.

/me puts DVD in comput0r.

Stewie: Hey you! Porker! Yes, I'm calling you porker and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my impenetrable cereal box fort! ahahaha! Hey you! Drunkie! Yes that's right, I 'm calling you drunke and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm prote *Brian smashes the fort* AHHHH!"

Haha, thats a good one xD.

 

[Smith|]

Doctor: Well Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph: Is it pixie dust? Or, or leprechaun tails?
Doctor: No, its a tumor.
Rudolph: You mean, like a magical christmas tumor?
Doctor: No... a malignent tumor. The base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolph: Oh. Like a happy special...
Doctor: You're going to die.

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Meg: Hey everybody, guess what I am.
Stewie: Well, the end result of a drunken back seat grope fest and a broken prophylactic?

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Midget: (runs through the scene) Out of me way, they're after me lucky charms.
Quagmire: Heh heh, I paid him ten bucks to say it. Heh heh. Classic.

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(A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar)
Rabbi: Hey, did you hear the one about us?

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Announcer: We now return to The Smurfs
Smurf 1: Yo, you have a good time last night?
Smurf 2: Smurftacular!
Smurf 1: Yeah I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf 2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf 1: Shut the smurf up!
Smurf 2: Yeah!
Smurf 1: Right in the smurfin' parking lot?
Smurf 2: Smurf yeah!
Smurf 1: Oh that is freakin' smurf.
Smurf 2: You smurf it.
Smurf 1: That is freakin' smurf
Smurf 2: Yeah...

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Lois (talking about Brian): Was, was he just mastur-
Peter: Yes.
Lois: Oh my.
Peter: Do we... do we rub his nose in it?

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Motel Owner: This is the bathroom but watch out, we got some bad roaches here.
Roach 1: Hey! You're on our turf man.
Roach 2: Hey man, I... I cut you, I cut you up so bad, you, you gonna, you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Motel Owner: I blame the schools.

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Peter: Hey, c'mon Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you.
Stewie: Oh, let me guess. You picked out another colorful box with a crank that I'm supposed to turn and turn until, ooh, big schock, a jack pops out. And then you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

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Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: But that boy is all tied up.
Stewie: (pause) Roman Polanski's house.

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Stewie: Look at him, he runs like a Welsh-man! Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welsh-man?

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Interviewer: So Mr. Griffin, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter [distracted by a picture of the interviewer, his attractive wife, and his son]: (don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife) Doin' your....son?

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Announcer: We now return to "Touched by an Angel"
Lawyer: Now exactly where did they angel touch you?
Child: Right here (points to crotch)
Angel: NO I DIDN'T!

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Peter: Clevland, mind if I stay at your place until things cool down?
Clevland: All right, but tonight's the misses aniversery.
(Peter's wide away on Clevland's couch and can hear Clevland through the walls)
Clevland: Ouch *Bump* Ouch *Bump* Ouch *Bump* When's it gonna be my turn?

 

[Deverz]

I can't remember it exactly but it's where Lois is an attendant and they're in the AirPort in Cuba

Attendant: We would have sent you back with the other americans but we didn't know you were stuck in the bathroom
Lois: We weren't doing what you think we were
Peter: I was

 

[Cyfore]

quagmire: giggity giggity giggity

 

[SailorAlea]

Stewie: Oh, yes! I LOVE CRACK! I'm absolutely COOKOO FOR CRACK!

Stewie: Oh, me next, me next! I'm the dog. I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio, but I'm not above eating grass clipings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.
Brian: I'm a pompous little anti-christ who will probably abandon my plans for World Domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

Peter: For Starters, we're making sex education more fun.
Singers: Vagina Junction, what's YOUR FUNCTION?
Bill Guy: Taking in sperm, and spittin' out babies!

Peter: And our halls are the safest around thanks to the Hall-Monitor XLK!
XLK:Halt! Present Hall Pass!
Girl: Right here!
XLK:Second request--Present Hall Pass!
Girl: It's, it's right here!
XLK:Security Breach! Security Breach!
*fires lasers*
Peter: I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think twice before roaming the halls.

Diane Sawyer: So ends a dark and SHAMEFUL chapter of Quahog, Rhode Island. One which leaves this reporter asking: How much moral bankruptcy and perversion, must WE, the People, endure?
Tom: Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on the Clitoris--Nature's Rubicks Cube.

Lois: This is my fault, I brought violence into this house! I'm the worst mother in the world!
Stewie: Aha, I got it ALL on tape!

Stewie: Hmm. I squandered my munitions budget on that INSIPID rugrats video! Perhaps I should seek employment, as well! Mother teaches piano, I suppose I could as well..
All right.. Try it again, Richard. And remember--the wrong keys are electrified.
*ZAPP*
Richarard:I don't want to play the piano!
Stewie:Indeed. Would you rather play the Basoon?

Meg: Brian! Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret.
Brian: Here's a hint--put down the fork. FACE.

 

[Soulicro]

How about when its the news and they start talkin bout the weatherman and he comes up and its this black dude and all he says is "Is gonna rain." That one made me laugh so bad. I guess it isnt funny when you read it but when I saw it... Oh man.

 

[-Origin]

"Why did all the dinosaurs die out?"

"Because you touch yourself at night."

http://becauseyoutouchyourself.ytmnd.com/

 

[Pain]

Stewie: BLAST!

 

[SPiN_FAN]

my favorite is

Stewie: DAMN IT TO THE DEPTHS OF BLOODY HELL

 

[SaiyanPrideXIX]

I like it when Stewie refers to Lois's vagina as "the Ovarian bastille."

 

[Majin_You]

Adam West: "...and I'm a man who really enjoys his taffy...mmm.....mmmmmm.........mmmmm....(etc.)"

 

[Optimus Prime]

Man: IT'S A JACKAL! A JACKAL! IS IT A JACKAL?! JACKAL! IT LOOKS LIKE A JACKAL! JACKAL! IT'S A JACKAL!
Lady: Time!
Stewie: (bangs head on table) It wasn't Jackal the first time you said it, why the hell would it be one the next 10 times!..(knocks stuff over)...GOD!
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Lois: Peter, it's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little...esoteric?
(goes inside Peter's head)
Man #1: Could it mean sexy?
Man #2: I think it's a science term
Man #3: Fellas, fellas, esoteric means delicious
Peter: Lois, "Who's The Boss" is not a food!
Brian: Swing and a miss.
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Peter: Ladies and gentleman of congress, I have two strong words for you: Come Awwwwwwwwn!
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