[Fan Fiction]The Forgotten Soul

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This is a true story, need I say more? C&C please, be as harsh as you can be for a english 15 year old as this is my second best work

The Forgotten soul

When time, destiny and life were made, every soul had a set path, a destiny to follow or a job to do. Somehow one soul was left out and had no fate to die, no path to follow nor any destiny set. As this soul was never given a limit he had unlimited power. Although he had all this power he had no will to use it. He had no drive to make his own destiny as he just never had one.

So he just choose the most far away planet to live on and be a hermit for eternity. This is the story of how he was dug a path and for the only time in his life he had to choose whether or not to follow it.

Our story shall start where most story’s do which is at the beginning. Darren and Joe are the protectors of the planet earth. Darren is the leader of the two as well as the most obvious one as he has grey hair, eye patch on his right eye and a large scar going down it. He dressed strange too with blue jeans with a bandage coving his left knee (just in case he got hurt) and a blue t-shirt with a green arm-less jacket. He may be of medium build but he has well over 1000 different moves that he can perform. The only person who has seen under his eye patch is Joe and everyone else has not been able to tell the tale. He may seem a brute but he is just the opposite as the reason behind him being a leader is because of his tactical abilities and forward thinking which combined make him a perfect warrior.

Joe is different in many ways and also in weirder ones as unlike Darren he is not human! He is a vampire prince with the power, speed and strength of a normal vampire. Because he was a prince he had the added perk of being able to walk around in the sunlight. Although he may be stranger then Darren, Joe still looks like a normal 26 year old guy with brown hair, blue eyes and pale skin( the reason why he has pale skin is because he may be able to walk in sunlight but he still does not feel safe in there rays). He always wears the same brown cloak that goes as far as his feet but no body has ever seen what’s underneath even Darren. He like most vampires has a look of a weak build but looks can be deceiving as he is as fast as an eagle and about as cunning. He can also see in the dark better then he can see in the light (which is another reason why he prefers not to be seen in the sun light).

Although Darren looks in his early 30’s and Joe in his mid 20’s they are in fact much, much older then that. They have been on Earth for as long as there were people to protect. Difference is that for the last 2 million years they have taken normal lives and pretend to die every 100 years then pretend to be born again. They do meet up once a week to talk, chat and just have a day off together but one day in 2006 in early July…

Joe and Darren were sitting on top of Darren’s roof enjoying a beer, some food and a few funny stories. “Then the guy told me to hand over my money” Joe told Darren with a huge smile on his face.
“What did you say back to him” Darren asked waiting for the punch line.
“I said nothing I just took my hand off and asked if he wanted cash or check” Joe replied making Darren laugh so much he almost dropped his beer.
“So how long before we play ‘dead’?” Joe asked using his fingers as inverted commas.
“I’d give it a good 20 years” Darren answered looking into the sky. “Joe I think we should move, I think we should move right now” Darren said still looking at the sky and dropping his beer making it break on the ground. Joe didn’t ask why as he looked up to see the same thing and he could not believe his eyes.


This is only Page 1, the Rest of the book was too large to post so it can be downloaded from HERE AKA RAPID SHARE (.PDF 46Kb)

The spirt of the Forgotten Soul comes back in a thrilling new tale,

The Forgotten Soul: The Perfect Child
 
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Good writing. But, most of the time you get to know a character as the story advances. and you pretty much revealed everything before you even started.
 
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hmm did you read the first page or the pdf?

[SPOILERS]
The character of the Forgotten Soul changes towards the end as he moves from being neutral to being good and in the end helping out Darren and Joe so I've revieled alot I admit but if you keep reading you'll see :p
 
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Not too bad. All of these fanfic postings are making me want to post the half-written DBZ story I wrote awhile back. =E

It's a little too revealing, but is this a setting into the story? If your "page one" is like the inside cover of a novel, and you're using it to describe the story, then you can probably get away with this much, sans the dialog.

I'd just go through and fix the punctuation and spelling of a few words. There's a few spots I can see right away that need some editing, I'll quote a few with edits in bold, just so you can see what I'm looking at.

Desmond Tiny said:
Our story shall start where most stories do, at the beginning
Desmond Tiny said:
Joe is different in many ways, and also in weirder ones - unlike Darren, he is not human!
It might seem small, but that's the stuff people notice in literature. There's one or two spots where I'd rewrite some sentances to make it flow more clearly, but flow of sentances is a personal kind of thing, so I'll leave that to you.

Not a bad job, all in all. Looks like you've got the story concept nailed down.
 
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thx for the crit and yer I always find something to edit when I'm reading though this book but it's my fav because the story is pretty much Great with a big G

blowing my own horn but I really do like the story, so far only 1 person has downloaded it so if you think I've released too much infomation then you'll see that most of these things change
 

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