Hey man, glad to see you posting some of your stuff!
i'm going to be honest with you, i listened to it for 30 seconds, and then stopped. it is way too muddled, and not thaught out. did you record it with a metronome? there are parts in there that sounded in time with each other, but not with the overall piece. you came in at weird junctures with no build up to imply that you were starting at a later bar, or that it was creatively correct to do so. it seemed like you were trying to mix too many advanced techniques into one piece, without thinking about the fundamentals for the base of your music.
where was the steady backing? from the mess i managed to dig out that even the rythm part had some sort of lead aspect involved.
where was the filler? along with your rythm piece, which keeps time for the music, and adds a solid base, you should have a filling piece, which generally helps glue the lead, and rythm together. typically this part is the rythm guitar role, while the backing is held by the bass, but even with 3 or more guitar tracks, you should be using these rules.
i love that you are trying. but maybe you are trying to hard. simplicity is the key to success.