The last Saiya-jin

jp

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This is my first story, so be easy on me, maybe it sucks.
It is about me, and i have Saiya-jin blood.

The last Saiya-jin.

I'm sitting in the bus, ready going to school.
It is my first day, so i'm pretty nervous unknown how the other kids are.
On the other school everyone was bullying me, and sometimes even hurting me.
After a few hours the whole school had its usual break, and everytings fine, until...., there he was, the boy that always was bullying me, he mad school a hell for me, and he was about to do it again.
I became so angry and scared that i knocked him against his chin.
I held back because i don't like to hurt people, but to my suprise he was smacked against the ground with his teeth trough his lips!!!
I eventually helped him up, and since then we became friends.
Some weeks later, another boy started to bully me, i don't know why.
He was hitting me the whole time, and was ganging up with a group of boys.
They terrorized the school, but if a teacher came, they acted like they were angels.
Thus never punished.
One of this boys was quite musculair, and in a good shape.
He knew karate, and liked to practice it on other victims.
Then he came to me, becouse i looked at his girlfriend to often, he did'nt like that and he told me that if i wanted to be beaten up.
I told him no, that wouldn't be nice of him.
Suddenly he starts to laugh, and hits me in the stomach.
The pain is verry extreme and i starting to cry.
He told me that i was a wimp, and that i was a nobody.
This kind of stuff happenend a month long, meanwhile, i have a crush on a girl, and she is always nice to me.
Then on a bad day, i see that the big bully, is flirting with her!!!
My blood starts to boil, and i make a fist of my hands, but i squeeze so hard that the blood is coming out.
Then i see him kissing her, KISSING???!!!!!
Then suddenly i see flashback's of him bullying me, and the future about him hitting me my whole life, and then i see him together with her!
A flash is going troughout my body, and i feel the heat, the rage and disapointment going higher and higher, it is going so extreme, that i lose consience for a few seconds.
I scream and i see the whole area shaking and the ground is breaking in pieces, chairs and tables are blown away from me.
Stepping outside, some people are looking strange to me, and i say to the big bully,: Lets finish this once and for all.
He looks at me, and says that my new hair cut is ridicelous, who the hell makes his hair gold? and do you have new contactlences?
He then runs to me and jumps in the air, kicking me against my head.
But strangely it does feel like someone just pressing against my cheek verry gently.
So i grab his feet and am throwing him against the wall, he looks scared at me and shouts,: what the hell are you??! O_O
I become more angry and are putting my hand's together, and start screaming , KA ME HA ME .
He looks at me and says: you watched to many tv ;/ but to his horror he sees that energy is coming out my hands.
Then i Shout HAAAA!!!!!!
And i see that a huge wave of energy is coming from my hands, next i lose consiencse, and i wake up several minutes later.
The boy is gone, so is half of the school, everone that survifed the blast looks teryfied to me.

The end,/ to be contineud?



I hope you alle liked my fanfic, maybe it sucks, but what the hell :cool:
 
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Well, I would consider using a different narrative perspective. As in, a 3rd invisible person there telling the story instead of using 1st person. Also, I would suggest expanding on it a little - the beginning, how old are you, how do you look, why do they bully you, and what not. The beginning - more description, who is the girl, how does she look, etc. And the end, really just what happens afterwards.

Also, you may want to give it to someone that knows fluent english and fix up/give you tips on how to fix the grammer/spelling.
 
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After a single chapter, he learns the kame, turns ssj, kills half his school, and what not. Wow you go fast, but isn't that good, that means you don't have much for the next chapters.
 
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I like it but it's going a bit fast.....
but im waiting for the next chapter :D
 
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I thought it was great btw you can make up the age and look in your head I could write some more if you like as I think that was a great intro
 

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